Thread by @garius

Right. I'm back live tweeting the Commons until it ends.

Chris Chope just compared what's happening to Slavery.

So fuck this. I'm ordering KFC delivery. Because I deserve it.

Oh good. I got back in time for Brexiteer hour.

Andrew Percy says he got a letter from a constituent who signed it "Kirsty Under 40 Not-a-Racist"

Which suggests she had cruel parents or was multi-tasking writing her Tinder profile

I've ordered a mighty bucket for one meal. Coleslaw as a side.

Meanwhile John Redwood is apparently still alive and banging on about sovereignty.

How?!

We had a REALLY cold winter.

Bill Cash is joining in now.

It's like a racist pensioner convention, or an Easter holiday in Margate.

John Redwood wants to take back control.

In case you didn't know that already.

Lady Hermon is up, who was doing the 'Independent MP' thing long before it was cool.

To all intents and purposes she challenges John Redword to come back to hers (Northern Ireland), chat shit there, and get banged.

She briefly becomes my favourite MP.

Hoooooow is John Redwwwooood still going. It's been yeeeeears since he started talking.

There is literally nothing in this date that hasn't been said a thousand times before. I could make an AI read three years of Hansard and it would auto-generate this debate.

KFC UPDATE: Delivery due at 18:51

I think Paul Blomfield is actually saying good things about uncertainty, but he has one of those voices that just slides away from comprehension, like a disappointed headmaster in assembly.

Nice tie though.

KFC IS HERE.

Blomfield is still talking.

I think.

Stephen Barclay is up.

EVERYBODY BOO

17.4 million voters mentioned in under 10 seconds. New Barclay record.

Now he's talking about teacher salaries and cop investment because he has nothing fucking useful to say about negotiations because there aren't any.

So that's Redwood, Chope, Cash and Barclay so far tonight. Somewhere in Westminster a Wetherspoons is emptier than normal.

Iain Duncan Smith now?!

Oh FUCK OFF.

Duncan Smith says something he thinks is clever but isn't. I won't repeat it because life is too short.

John Redwood laughs.

Another small part of me dies.

Stephen Barclay says that the EU are just as unprepared for Brexit as we are, but that they're better negotiators so are hiding it better.

Which is a point I don't think he has really thought out too well in advance.

DIVISION on Amendment 19. I've opened the coleslaw.

When I was a kid, the only time we ever had coleslaw was if we went to KFC.

Life was weird in the eighties.

Now I can buy it in Co-op whenever I want.

KFC finished. Division still ongoing.

Still a bit peckish, and feel like I should open a graze box to preserve my status as a member of the metropolitan elite.

But I know there's a pack of Giant Buttons in the fridge.

ARGH. Conflicted.

Fuck it. I've sat through Bill Cash three times today. I deserve buttons.

I would legitmately vote leave if i was promised free Giant Buttons for life.

FINALLY. Results. Worse than eurovision.

65 ayes 495 nays on that amendment. So that was fucking worth it, wasn't it?

At least we get the northern speaker with the cool accent for this.

Amendment six now. Another division. Someone shouts 'aye' during the 'nay' shouting bit, which was probably funny the very first time they did it, but should be a hanging offence by now.

"The votes off. I shouted. I can't do more. Go int' lobby and explain division's off."

This is why Parliament should be moved to Manchester.

BERCOW'S BACK.

Shame. I was rather enjoying that.

Fuck me. You don't get a lot of buttons in a bag anymore do you?

No wonder this country is going down the shitter.

OOOOOOORDEEEEEER

fingers on lips everyone. 3rd reading.

DIIIIVVVVIIISSSSSION

For those asking about the Kinnock amendment earlier:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1169319047831478273

Honestly, I couldn't have written that shit if I'd tried.

Theresa May is SPRINTING back from whatever Whetherspoons she's in right now. SPRINTING.

From memory, Kinnock amendment means the extension ends up being to vote for May's original deal at the end.

Not 100% sure. Nobody read it because nobody expected it to ACCIDENTALLY FUCKING PASS.

Tbh, it can probably be killed at a later date anyway.

Funny though.

327 to 299 on third reading.

Brief shot of Stephen Kinnock whose mouth is smiling but eyes scream terror.

Hilary Benn, triumphant, fluffs up his little kitten fur and unfurls his surprisingly sharp claws in the direction of the government bench and demands that - if required - they obey the law.

It is both beautiful and terrifying.

Boris is up, to try and break his so far 100% record of losing votes by... calling for himself to be voted out of office.

He talks about 'surrender', like the gaslighting, terror-baiting little shit that he is.

Boris is speaking slower and more calmly than at PMQs. Clearly Cummings has told him to calm down his frothing a bit.

He's using the voice he normally reserves for use only when he's helping to have fellow journalists beat up.

Ah wait. Some Tories cheered. So now he's forgotten the advice and is starting to froth again.

Bullies love a pulpit.

Corbyn is up.

"Although I'm not condemning the member for Maidenhead by comparing her to her successor, at least she had a plan"

Ouch.

OH HAI U HAVE SNACKS

Snacks provided. Snaxit means snaxit.

Corbyn remaining on point about election AFTER this Bill.

"The Prime Minister is playing a disingenuous game unworth of his office" Not wrong there, Jezza.

Ken Clarke is up.

"I do think the Prime Minister has a tremendous skill in keeping straight face while being so disingenuous."

Clarke pulling no punches.

"Stop treating this like a game" - Ken to Boris.

Iain Duncan Smith thinks he's being clever again.

See earlier tweet on this matter.

"You can try and shout us down. You tried last night and it WON'T. WORK."

Never heckle Ian Blackford. He'll rising Scottish accent the fuck out of you.

"If Ruth Davision can't stomach the Prime Minister, why should Scotland?" - zinger from Pete Wishart.

New beer time.

Craig Mackinlay is up, defending the Prime Minister's motion. Which is... I mean... imagine this being the biggest gun you can roll out. Honestly.

Nigel Evans now.

Fuck me. This is such a shit selection of c-listers prancing around the house that even late-stage Big Brother would be embarrassed.

"The deal would give them the vassalage they crave! This house no longer reflects the will of the people!"

Fuck me.

Mackinlay is 100% convinced he's Cromwell here. He is going to be wanking over the video of this tonight.

"The Prime Minister has wanted this job for so long it has been almost painful to watch. He has been willing to say anything and do anything to get it."

Jo Swinson laying into Boris now.

"He is SCARED of being found out."

Desmond Swayne says something pointless in a pointed manner, as befits his status as the angriest pensioner on the village council.

Anne Soubry gets massively heckled from the Conservative benches in a way that the male ex-Tories didn't which I'm sure they'll all tell you is NOT AT ALL because a lot of them are geriatric sexists.

Oh COME ON. Iain Duncan Smith again?!

Can we pass an amendment against him?

"Let me finish. It's important."

Iain. You stopped being important in 2003. I'm sorry no one has had the courage to tell you this. But maybe you should stop hanging out with Bill fucking Cash and John Redwood.

"I have no faith in ANYTHING the current Prime Minister says."

"The Prime Minister we have at the moment is playing some bully boy game, from public school, that i wouldn't understand"

"You want to intervene? Crack on"

Jess Philips 👌

"You have crowed and given sympathy to me about the problem's we have in the labour party, and you have sat here. SILENTLY. As your colleagues were marched out."

Fuck me. Jess is on a roll.

"We are meant to believe that the Prime Minister is doing this because he REALLY has a vision for the people of this country."

"He has a vision that comes to him every night. And it is his own face."

Jessssss Philliiiiips.

Nigel Evans is up defending the Prime Minister again. The Tory division of defending Berlin with kids and pensioners.

HOW is it not even nine yet? Fuck me. I need coffee.

You can buy me coffee here: ko-fi.com/garius

"I've voted three times for leaving the European Union. I wish the same could be said for some of the zealots on my side"

Nigel Evans gets his arse handed to him by Bottomley.

Sir Bernard Jenkin is the kind of man who would cheerily invade a country, steal their resources and destroy their land...

...then weep gently at an operetta.

Sir Bernard Jenkin talking about what people are saying "out there", sounding exactly like a man who hasn't left his London club in years.

He's not wrong about the fixed-term parliament act being a crock of shit though.

Agree with him there.

"The Prime Minister, in his own inimitable style, is showing leadership and courage"

I'm not convinced that's the compliment Sir Bernard Jenkin thinks it is.

Yes. I will give way to the MP for Purring. But then I must make progress.

John Baron is now banging on about WTO and Project Fear.

I swear to GOD this whole fucking situation exists because we let people over 50 use Facebook without passing some kind of test.

"paint me like one of your French Rees-Moggs"

diiiiiiviiiiiison

Thank fuck.

Labour have clearly abstained from this. It's not going to pass.

Boris Johnson is about to continue his 100% Commons losing streak by losing an attempt to boot himself out of office.

I don't think this is the type of Premiership he spent all those nights wanking about having.

Ayes 298 v noes 56.

Fixed term needs a three quarters majority, so Johnson's effort to unseat himself fails.

Boris trying to make this about Corbyn. It's own playing well with the Cashes of this world.

Gah. Two thirds. Sorry. @tomfsc24 is right. sorry. it's late.

@tomfsc24 Johnson and co making lots of jokes about the opposition having confidence in the government, in the same way that teenagers who've been barred from a club try and pretend they found it funny, not disappointing.

@tomfsc24 And that's me done live tweeting. I can't face doing the Upper House as well. I've run out of chocolate buttons.

@tomfsc24 If you haven't read it, don't forget you can read my other twitter stuff on the current situation here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1168887968511250436

And my most recent serious political article here: medium.com/@garius/and-th…