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Storytime:
My friend Colin is one of the most gentle souls I know. He's so earnest in his kindness; he wears it on his sleeve.
Years ago, he was sitting in his truck in a parking lot.
A man walked by, visibly upset, and motioned for him to roll down his window.
My friend Colin is one of the most gentle souls I know. He's so earnest in his kindness; he wears it on his sleeve.
Years ago, he was sitting in his truck in a parking lot.
A man walked by, visibly upset, and motioned for him to roll down his window.
Colin opened his window, and the man started yelling at him. He was upset about something. It might have been about how Colin was parked; I can't remember.
Colin was shaken but was trying to resolve the dispute with kindness.
Colin was shaken but was trying to resolve the dispute with kindness.
But it didn't matter. There was no reasoning with the angry man.
He continued to escalate.
And then he punched Colin in the face and walked away.
He continued to escalate.
And then he punched Colin in the face and walked away.
I remember being so shaken when I heard that story.
What causes an individual to respond with such violence and vitriol?
What causes an individual to respond with such violence and vitriol?
Fast forward many years.
In 2017, I was depressed. I was grappling with some hard stuff in my personal life.
At the same time, I'd allowed feelings of cynicism grow inside of me.
This resulted in me being resentful towards anyone who seemed happy and earnest.
In 2017, I was depressed. I was grappling with some hard stuff in my personal life.
At the same time, I'd allowed feelings of cynicism grow inside of me.
This resulted in me being resentful towards anyone who seemed happy and earnest.
I don't think I ever lashed out at anybody publicly, but I can remember meeting smart, purposeful, twenty-somethings and being off-put by their wholeheartedness.
Their "joie de vivre" was enough to provoke negative thoughts inside of me.
Their "joie de vivre" was enough to provoke negative thoughts inside of me.
All of us are prone to this behavior on some level.
Our emotional health goes up and down.
And when we're feeling down, we can think, do, and say things that aren't kind.
Our emotional health goes up and down.
And when we're feeling down, we can think, do, and say things that aren't kind.
For me, going to therapy was the key to climbing out of my negativity.
With help, I was able to remove the resentment that had been festering inside me for years.
It wasn't until we'd dealt with the root pain that I was able to see clearly.
With help, I was able to remove the resentment that had been festering inside me for years.
It wasn't until we'd dealt with the root pain that I was able to see clearly.
But left unchecked, being jaded can poison your mind.
As @GusRazzetti points out here, "negative thinking is deceiving — it initially seems innocuous. Until we fall into a repetitive pattern that ignites a toxic mental spin."
medium.com/personal-growt…
As @GusRazzetti points out here, "negative thinking is deceiving — it initially seems innocuous. Until we fall into a repetitive pattern that ignites a toxic mental spin."
medium.com/personal-growt…
A hurt, bitter, or resentful person will dig into these feelings; they'll be comforted by them.
"Our addiction to suffering is at some level driven by a desire to feel better." – @ncolier
In a perverse way, it feels "good" to feel bad.
"Our addiction to suffering is at some level driven by a desire to feel better." – @ncolier
In a perverse way, it feels "good" to feel bad.
Three researchers (Lane RC, Ph.D., Hull JW, Ph.D., Foehrenbach) observed cases of this addiction to negativity.
They found that folks became "attached to and dependent on various forms of negative behaviors and destructive attitudes toward self and others."
They found that folks became "attached to and dependent on various forms of negative behaviors and destructive attitudes toward self and others."
We can see how this kind of behavior gets manifested online.
Behind a computer screen, it's even easier for folks who are hurt, bitter, angry, resentful, to lash out at others.
Eventually, if you're on the internet, you're going to encounter one of these toxic people.
Behind a computer screen, it's even easier for folks who are hurt, bitter, angry, resentful, to lash out at others.
Eventually, if you're on the internet, you're going to encounter one of these toxic people.
We tend to assume the best of people (that's a good thing!)
Here's how you can recognize a toxic person:
(Described here by Holloway (PhD) and @dr_mitch_kusy:
pdfs.semanticscholar.org/f4c8/2588309a1…)
Here's how you can recognize a toxic person:
(Described here by Holloway (PhD) and @dr_mitch_kusy:
pdfs.semanticscholar.org/f4c8/2588309a1…)
These folks are constantly:
- embroiled in some form of online drama
- shaming and humiliating people publicly
- saying negative things about others publicly
- hanging out with other negative people that like to complain
They distrust anyone who seems happy or earnest.
- embroiled in some form of online drama
- shaming and humiliating people publicly
- saying negative things about others publicly
- hanging out with other negative people that like to complain
They distrust anyone who seems happy or earnest.
The challenge?
Most of the time you can't reason with toxic people.
Remember, for them "it feels good to feel bad."
As Lane, Hull, and Foehrenbach point out:
"They have a recurring need for activities that eliminate pleasure and induce a state of dysphoria."
Most of the time you can't reason with toxic people.
Remember, for them "it feels good to feel bad."
As Lane, Hull, and Foehrenbach point out:
"They have a recurring need for activities that eliminate pleasure and induce a state of dysphoria."
Holloway & @dr_mitch_kusy make this point in their book:
"Toxic people are often self-righteous. [They] cannot find fault in themselves. This is the reason that explaining their behaviors to them often doesn’t work."
amazon.com/dp/B00263ZLGW/…
"Toxic people are often self-righteous. [They] cannot find fault in themselves. This is the reason that explaining their behaviors to them often doesn’t work."
amazon.com/dp/B00263ZLGW/…
I'm not sure what the right solution is for dealing with negative people online.
Here are my current thoughts:
1. Ignore people who are consistently toxic and negative.
2. For myself, be open to correction from my trusted friends: "Hey Justin, that wasn't nice."
3. Be kind.
Here are my current thoughts:
1. Ignore people who are consistently toxic and negative.
2. For myself, be open to correction from my trusted friends: "Hey Justin, that wasn't nice."
3. Be kind.
If you've ever felt metaphorically "punched in the face" by someone online: I know how much it sucks.
I hope this thread helps you recognize:
- you're not alone
- their behavior is not OK
- comments from a toxic person have nothing to do with you
I hope this thread helps you recognize:
- you're not alone
- their behavior is not OK
- comments from a toxic person have nothing to do with you
Just updated that post again (4 hours later) to clarify some of the thoughts. 👌
