Thread by @jendziura

FYI, you can actually live your entire life without forgiving anyone and you can be just fine. It's totally possible to not forgive people and not be "eaten up by hate."

If you were raised super-Christian, you might think that, even apart from the demands of the religion, forgiveness fulfills some inherent need to the person doing the forgiving. Nope! Maybe for a few personality types. But nope, that's just Christianity seeping into the water

I am aware that other religions have their own ideas about forgiveness. I appreciate that, in Judaism, the burden is on the person who did something wrong to ask for forgiveness (and go work on yourself whether you get it or not). But you can also never forgive anyone, just FYI!

If someone has wronged you, and you haven't forgiven them, and THAT is what's eating you up with hate, rather than the actual wrong done to you ... I think you have been the victim of religious abuse.

Oh, and if you're forcing your kids to "forgive" people who've wronged them, oh good, now you're creating a self-abnegating split-personality resentful confused adult, good parenting, FU

It's totally possible to live a good life and feel ongoing hate! Some things are worthy of hate! The universe is not all love, and love is not inherently more "true" than hate, distaste, or disinterest.

People sometimes try to explain forgiving people who don't deserve it as "for you," the wronged party. Really?You can't "release" or smooth over a wrong and make everything okay.

You're supposed to hate bad shit. It keeps the balance. It shows you have a moral compass. Let it do its job.

Expecting that victims forgive perpetrators creates the ludicrous idea that victims who don't are somehow morally inferior, and even that the unforgiven *perpetrator* is somehow now morally superior, esp if they asked for forgiveness and didn't receive it. That's a poison.

I'm also not a huge fan of a bunch of potential rapists and murderers out there seeing rapists and murderers get forgiven. I'd prefer a system where we all spit on the ground every time the perpetrator's name is spoken, out of respect for the victim.

Many believe there is value in "bearing witness" to atrocities, even if it doesn't help anyone because the victims are dead. We don't watch a documentary about genocide so we can "forgive." We learn to keep it from happening again ... and just to witness. For victims to be known.

So I would say that your own trauma deserves at least the same treatment, as you are alive! When you watch a documentary about genocide, it does not remotely cross your mind to forgive anyone. Your rapist deserves no better.

If your loved one dies of cancer, no one expects you to "work on yourself" until you no longer hate cancer. That's insane. You can hate cancer until the day you die. Doing so does not prevent you from loving your loved ones and yourself.

There's no reason hate for a perpetrator should be any different. Sure, a murderer is a person. Who cares? Arguing that that makes a difference really puts the lie to the idea that forgiveness is *for you.*

Compassion toward the wicked is cruelty to all beings.

Shared with permission (author asked to be anon)

If anyone would like to read more of my writing, you can find it at GetBullish.com. I also run an annual conference for careers and biz from a feminist POV