Thread by @ambientsidewalk

Adventures in #ActuallyAutistic Relationship-ing...how DX helped save my marriage.

One thing to know about NT AwesomeSpouse and me, we love each other fiercely. Every day. Even after 20 years.

But sharing your life with someone every day is about way more than love.

It's work. It's coordination. It's communication and stress. Throw in a small human or two, and that work doubles or triples (and is IMHO totally worth it). Maybe add in some money or health issues and it's down right hard. 2/

So when a few years ago, spouse suggested we go to counseling because that communication that seemed so easy before now seemed impossible, it was like a gut punch.

This was pre-DX.

I hadn't changed. I loved her more than ever and was trying my damnedest. 3/

Maybe this was it. Maybe I am just too broken and emotionally dumb to deserve her.

Turns out to have been the best thing to happen in a really long time.

See, I was ready to work, ready to fight, I just needed direction. 4/

But asking her needs resulted in nebulous answers and conversations that sounded like I was being defensive and petty.

"I need you to say I love you more often. "
Hmmmm, ok, I did x y z for you obviously I love you.
"But you didn't say it"
Ok, how often should I say it? 5/

Exaperated sigh....
"What? I don't understand"

Then we got to the REALLY hard stuff..

"We never do anything any more. You don't want to spend any time with me."
"I'm here right now, it's date night, that's demonstrable not true."
"But you're obviously miserable." 6/

Fair point.
"I'm here because you are that important to me.."

I'm getting upset.

She reaches out her hand and I withdraw rubbing my arms furiously. I'm getting flush. I can't find any words. I sit there like a mute idiot with my mind screaming "Do Something!" 7/

She tears up, "you won't even touch me! You're just sitting there with that blank expression on your face. Say something! Look at me! Can't you see I'm hurting?!?"

And I'm gone...sigh. my mind is filled with self-loathing, what kind of monster am I? Just hold her hand. 8/

This night still haunts me. I remember everything about it. The car we were in, the exact parking space. The chilly evening air. The feel of my beaten Brown leather coat.

Good news, we went to the counselor and did the work and had the hard conversations. 9/

Still no DX though.

I learned to mask in the "missing" stuff she needed.

Get home..
Brain: I know you are exhausted, but go in and ask your wife, who is cooking you dinner, about her day, it's important.

Brain: she's frustrated, but don't "help" solve, be quiet

Brain: I know it feels weird and uncomfortable, but you need to Hug her. Ok. 1..2..3..4..5.. there ya go. Wait.. no she's not letting go. Ok, let her lead...

Brain: hey, you've been in the toilet for 30 minutes. She will think you are avoiding her, go back out. 11/

The things we do for love.

And she made loads of concessions for me too. (Again not DXd)
She gave me "reasonable" amounts of space.
She voiced her wants and needs, even though she thought it should be obvious.
12/

She accepted I wasn't playing dumb or being defensive when I asked her to use more precise language.
She finally saw my acts of service as my love language.

And we made it work. But it was hard..... So damn hard. For both of us.

And there were doubts. Oh the doubts 13/

She said, Maybe you would happier with someone who gets you better, you're trying so hard.
"Ummm no thank you. I want you. I love YOU. I choose you every day."

Why?
"Cuz you're the sweetest, kindest person I know. You chose a career helping people! You're the best!" 14/

I said, "if this isn't what you want, I understand. Go. It'll crush me, but I don't want you to suffer."
She said, "I'm still here, aren't I?"

Then, one day, after her therapy, she says to me, we need to talk.

Bottom drops out. This is it. Ok, if this is what she needs 16/

"this is really hard for me. I've suspected this for a while, but my therapist mentioned something today. She said you might have Aspergers. I'd like you to get tested."

Wait.... What? Waves of relief.
"Of course... I'll look into it."

And I did and whhhoooaaa mama. 17/

And it was cosmic shift. I don't think people who haven't been through a late DX can truly understand what it's like, how ground shaking it is.

Imagine you have a print of one those optical illusions with two different pictures in it up in your house. 18/

Depending on how you look at it, it's a cup or two faces, but you only ever saw the cup. For years.

And then one day a friend complements you on that picture with two faces. And you're like whhhhhaaaatttt? You have an argument, but you both assume the other is crazy. 19/

And when, you go tell your spouse you say, "you know that picture in the hall?"
"Yeah, the one with the two faces?"

Cue twilight zone music.

So you ask everyone you know, bring in an expert, every single one of them, two faces, no cup. 20/

And then one day, someone finally says, "what faces, that's a cup!"

And the relief that it's not just you washes over you.

And you grab your spouse and say, "They see a cup too! See I'm not crazy! I'm not lying to you!"

Yeah.... Like that. 21/

And so, metaphorically speaking, we had a long detailed conversation about that picture.

I pointed out the base, the stem, the rim. She pointed out the nose, the lips, the eyes. We had an epic AHa moment together. We felt more connected and seen than we had in years... 22/

That was like 3 years ago now. Now we delight in exploring each other's thoughts and perspectives.

In some ways, it's been a boon, because while knew each other's habits, we now get to explore our motivations.

23/

And we're learning new stuff all the time. We have way more compassion and empathy for each other.

Don't get me wrong... It ain't all rainbows and butterflies. It's lots of work. We still miscommunicate and have to reengage. But it's so worth it. 24/

It also puts lots of things in perspective.

She now understands I wasn't avoiding her or tired of *her*. I was avoiding people, she just happened to be in the blast radius.

I understand how inflexible and unempathetic to NT needs my thinking can be. 25/

We both know what healthy self care looks like for me now.

I feel less resentment and guilt about my social anxiety. And when I am social, I have an interpreter and wingman. 26/

She really appreciates my unique way of thinking.

I can be more open with my boys about being authentic and taking care of themselves. 27/

And that's my DX story... Happy mental health day!

If you're still here, thanks, I know I ramble. I'm a story teller. Hopefully this helps some other folks out there to know, you're not the only one to see the Cup in the picture. That real relationships are possible 28/

It's lots of work though.

Most of all, Don't give up! Your people are out there! Validate! Get help when you need it! Take care of your big beautiful brain!