Thread by @garius

PARLIAMENT TIME!

Everyone waits for the Queen in the Lords. Because she has the best seat.

There is a murmuration from the Lords and politicians, like you get in break time during a conference at a bad hotel.

The murmuring drops briefly, as rumours of Brenda's entry surface.

They resume once people realise it is just someone passing the door to get a coffee.

Everyone goes back to discussing how uncomfortable the Lords robes are.

The Lords pass the time discussing how awks it is that they ALL decided to go with red-robe-and-fluffy-hood today.

murmuring continues.

The number of Lords that needs the loo increases.

We hear military horns and banging of weapons.

So either Brenda is here, or we're about to have a genuine coup.

FINGERS ON LIPS EVERYONE.

Brenda is in da House (of Lords).

Looks like Prince Charles is here too, so must be bring-your-kid-to-work day. That's quite sweet.

The Queen drops the most pregnant pause ever, because she's so damn good at this stuff.

One of the Lords at the back just adjusted himself for a fart. Don't think he realises the camera angle.

The Parliamentary acapella band enters. Now we can begin.

"Do freebird!"

"My Government has always worked towards the goal of leaving the European Union on the 31st October" Says Brenda, looking like she wants to behead pretty much everyone in said government.

"My government's new economic plan will be underpinned by a responsible fiscal strategy." She says.

The camera cuts to Sajid Javid who looks... well, less certain about that.

Not gonna bother recounting most of this party political broadcast on the part of the Conservative Party by the Queen.

Crime is bad, foreigners are foreign, people need to work hard, we're not gutting the NHS, pensioners are AWESOME

Think of it as Johnson's Thatcher tribute act

Apparently we're going to be a world leader in space technology.

WE'RE GETTING OUR OWN POUNDSHOP SPACE FORCE.

Johnson smirks about that from the wings. Presumably dreaming of himself as some kind of super-racist space Biggles.

We cut back to Johnson when discussion turns to 'global security'. He hasn't moved. I think it might be a waxwork.

Looks like @joswinson has discovered that you can make Raab's eyes close by working the little lever on the back of his head. Naughty Jo!

@joswinson And we're done. The race to the nearest pisser begins.

@joswinson Meanwhile back in the Commons, Lee Rowley (Con) is explaining that apparently there is a point where you have to just accept Brexit is stupid and get it done, because it's been going on a while and that's annoying.

Or something.

No I don't really understand it either.

I mean, it's a good speech he's giving. It just has the most stupid underlying premise, ever. That at some point you have to 'move on', regardless of whether issues have been solved or not

It's the kind of stuff bad managers tell you in project meetings where the scope is fucked

Oh God I think Sarah Newton is about to ask us all to sing.

"What songs could we sing this week?" Says Sarah Newton.

"Wheels off the bus." Someone mutters in the background.

Humble address motion.

Jezza's up and... well... Jezzing.

Nice piece on members we've lost this year though.

Okay LEGITIMATELY good gag from Jez on Lee Rowley vs Boris Johnson (as mayor) over Westminster bringing in a "night life tax" which Johnson got angry about

"On reflection he may have missed a good opportunity to make money for the people of Westminster"

parliamentlive.tv/event/index/80…

He's on a roll. Jez jokes about wondering how the 'Wimbledon Set', with their rep for competence, ever let Grayling in.

"Most expensive transport secretary we've ever had," He deadpans over the rising murmur, "Don't worry about it."

parliamentlive.tv/event/index/80…

Jez fingers the Lib Dems during his bit on austerity and spending cuts as being part of the coalition.

Highlights how much of the social care stuff is simply a rehash of the 2017 speech as well.

"I know this government doesn't have a great record of listening to judges, but surely they are aware that judges ALREADY have the powers to ensure that the most serious of offenders serve more than half their sentences in jail" - Corbyn

Rightly highlights that voter ID is a MASSIVE voter suppression exercise that hits the poorest, hardest.

Boris is up.

Everyone drink. Heavily.

Apparently after Brexit we're going to be a high wage low tax economy with all sorts of other unicorns and shit.

If you had "Get Brexit Done" on your Boris Johnson bingo card just down your bottle of vodka now.

Been in the kitchen putting the kettle on, but just assume Boris Johnson waffled a bunch and threw in some long words and a bit of Latin.

That's what I'm doing.

Apparently we're going to purge online harms from the internet.

No, I don't know what that means either.

Apparently Corbyn is a semi-Marxist.

Nope, don't know that one either.

Boris Johnson's second rule: the more he says he is something, the less he actually is it.

We've had 'One nation conservative' a good five times in this speech already.

"We call it social security, by the way, you lot call it welfare. That's a key difference." - Ian Blackford.

Tory party behaving like utter children in Parliament again the moment Blackford brings up death threats and the use of language like 'Surrender Bill'

"The behaviour that is exhibited in this place is a clarion call to those that wish to send threats to members of Parliament" - Ian Blackford.