Thread by @pptsapper

Well

Twitter

We had a good run

But someone put Peter Jackson's so-called "The Lord of the Rings" on streaming services

And it's time for you all to know just how much they anger me

I fully expect a barrage of unfollows

Regardless

Truth must be told

Roll tape

Ok, I'll give you that it's a straight up visual spectacle of grandeur

But

So is this cat

C'mon, Pete, just throwing the Ring to Gollum without explaining the change from Smeagol is basically like wiping out THE WHOLE THING THE RING DOES WHICH IS PERVERT THAT WHICH IS GOOD

grumble grumble grumble

Pretty sure this whole bit on Hobbiton is just a commentary on British people

Or what Tolkien wanted the British to be

But Jackson did do Hobbiton fairly well

You won't find me griping too much about this film. It's the other two that I have the strongest objections to

Anyways, because we don't get Smeagol's backstory, Jackson decides to show that change in Bilbo, which makes him a less sympathetic character - hardly the old Bilbo we were happy to meet again after reading the Hobbit as children

The first character perversion. First of many

Skipping the entire background of WHY Sam and Merry and Pippin and Frodo are so close is yet another whitewash of characters that these movies do so well

Great visuals. Shit character development. People just "do" things

But people never just "do" things. There's always context

Who put all the bollards around Isengard and why? Keeping carriages off the grass? Was Saruman a CSM?

And Saruman says Gandalf is getting slow because his love of pipe-weed? Jackson had a thing for pipe-weed as dope.

Jackson loves himself some comic occurrences and can't pass up someone falling or dangling off a cliff

Aaaand here we skip the entire sequence where we find out the only reason that Merry's sword works on the Witch King but sure, nuance isn't needed when you're making something to be mass produced

Viggo is just too pretty to be Aragorn. Sorry.

Strider is an uncouth, vicious looking man

Viggo just looks like he's a model who needs a shave and a wash

Back to character perversion: Jackson's Frodo is just basically scared shitless the whole time and goes for the ring as soon as things seem bad

At Weathertop he just screams and falls down

Versus who he is in the book, who is someone who screams the name of an elf-god & attacks

Nice convenient way to get Uruk Hai being born out of the earth versus

*Checks notes*

Oh yeah, the cross-breeding of men and orcs

That would be a totes different sorta film

Sorry. Arwen isn't Glorfindel.

*dies on hill*

"It was just another elf"

Fine. President Truman freed the slaves. What? It's just another president.

Also FRODO WAS THE ONE WHO STOOD HIS HORSE MID-STREAM WITH SWORD UPRAISED

but whatever, who needs character development

Ah, poor Sean Bean. Never gets to live. Unless as Richard Sharpe. I have now watched more Sharpe's Rifles than LOTR that I can only wonder why this dude from the 95th Rifles is running around without his Baker rifle

"he turned from that path long ago. He has chosen exile."

HE LITERALLY RANGES WITH YOUR SONS, ELROND MY DUDE

YOU MEET WITH HIM ALL THE TIME TO TALK ABOUR RECLAIMING HIS KINGSHIP

and Aragorn carried the shards of Narsil around, thanks very much

Sorry. The theme is character distortion. Not ranting about all the small shit that doesn't actually matter because no movie is as good as the book

Unless it's Princess Bride

And then both the movie and the book are equally glorious, for different reasons

Just sitting here waiting for Boromir to explain how Mordor will be defeated by soldiers who can fire three well-aimed volleys in one minute

I actually think they did Moria very well

They captured it exactly as I pictured it, and the feeling is exactly correct

Constipated Frodo is worst Frodo

Good God this is a long movie. Extended version. I can't commit to it all tonight. Will finish later.

Maybe.

Okay - picking back up where we left off. Gandalf just fell into the mines of Moria and all that

Drink of the night is NOT GIN

I know, crazy

It's a Cabernet Sauvignon from @RadevicWines

And it is TASTY

Ok, and so here we get this ridiculous moment of the elves in Lothlorien suddenly being a bunch of arrogant shits - ELVES AREN'T RUDE, PJ. THEY'RE ALWAYS COURTEOUS EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T LIKE YOU

and galadriel as crazy elf witch is just over the top

When they leave Lothlorien, there is no sense that they are tearing themselves away from paradise

Just that they're leaving

& they don't give Sam his his seed to rebuild the Shire because they get rid of the Scouring

& they take Gimli, Merry, & Pippin & make them comic relief

I too like to shout "find the haflings" when I get mad

The numbers of Uruk Hai seem somewhat um, exaggerated

Boromir's last stand is legit epic, though

Sean Bean should've been Aragorn

Yup

Shoulda been

Have Viggo be Faramir

Occasionally, the series gets the moments perfectly

Boromir's death is one of those moments

Anyways, fuckit, let's see what Two Towers has to offer

Pours more wine

Looks at camera

"Oh, we know what nonsense this movie has in store"

Okay, for the Two Towers, the book, I have a confession: I skipped most bits that had to do with Frodo and Sam because they were so BORING

That holds true for the movie, too

Still. Will push through.

Ugh

This is just a reminder of those agonizingly boring bits
"Oh look, the hobbits are walking through rocks. Oh look, they went in a circle. Now they're in marshes. Now they're in rocks. Now Gollum is being sneaky."

It's like," get back to the horse wars already"

And now

Let it happen

Getting really heavy-handed with your allegory here, PJ, through this Saruman soliloquy

Yes, Saruman is the militarization of society, but you could be subtler

Unnecessary horror movie schlock in the Dead Marshes

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Get back to constipated Frodo freaking out every ten seconds

I remember reading the books for the first time and being absolutely overjoyed when Gandalf returned

I think that was when I first got the actual concept of the Resurrection in Christianity

I mean, that and Aslan

Which I guess was the point

Way to absolutely take Theoden and turn him into a nothing, PJ

He wasn't possessed, he was flawed and human

And it's okay to show people being flawed and human

Vital, even

Because it's never as simple as possession. Tolkien realized that. PJ doesn't.

Oh, and thanks for taking away the moment of Eomer presenting his sword to Theoden, and having Theoden whirl his sword over his head and call on the Riders of Rohan to awake

And by "thanks" I mean screw you, PJ

Ugh. Stopping for the night.

For humanity's sake

Resuming the chaos

Ugh

More gin please

@HendricksGin it is

Faramir does put together a delightful near ambush

Or should I say

"Faramir"

Because this ain't the faramir I know

But wait, gotta have Aragorn emoting about how he doesn't know what to do

In a dream

Random Warg attack just because

"Let's spend 15 minutes on a battle sequence with Aragorn falling off a cliff and making out with a horse rather than do character development"

That's Jackson to a T

This is the first major deviation into what the fuck

For no purpose

With Theoden being cold and cranky versus the warm and loving man that he was, inspiring the devotion of Merry

But whatevs

Annnnnd here's the unforgivable sin

Faramir. Literally. Does. The. Opposite. But nooooo, that isn't enough for PJ

He had to fuck up the best and most honest character in the books. The warrior and the learned men. The only true person of wisdom

And Jackson just drags him

Goddammit this shouldn't make me so mad

But Faramir was who I truly admired out of these books. The leader who I thought was actually worthy to emulate in his thoughtfulness, compassion, and skill.

PJ makes Faramir cruel and only caring for Gondor

Faramir understood that Gondor was worth nothing if there was no kindness and beauty in the world. If there was no art, no music. No truth.

That's not the Faramir we see here

At alllllllllllll

Oh, and Frodo is all cocked up as well

I literally almost walked out of the movie when he had Faramir say "the Ring will go to Gondor"

"They Shall Not Grow Old" barely makes up for this betrayal

It does not make up for the following monstrosity, nor those movies labeled "The Hobbit."

Yeah, I said it

Helm's Deep pre-battle:

heartfelt hugging scenes.

conscription.

Angst

Gimli being weirdly Scottish

More angst

Odd Battle of Britain-fetishism feeling stuff going on here

And a scene that is just Aragorn putting on bits of metal and leather, which is probably responsible for many children being born

Random ass elves showing up, as if they didn't have shit of their own to deal with

Which they did

Cause they were teaming up with the dwarves from the Lonely Mountain to kick orc ass

I'd watch that movie

Okay, but the battle scene is pretty legit af

However

As soon as the enemy is in range, you engage

Not once they've begun maneuvering

That sapper orc giving it all for the breach tho

That's some combat engineer energy right there

Omfg, I know what it is. Jackson thinks there's not enough conflict in the books

So he creates it

Theoden refusing help and being a downer

Faramir sending the ring to Gondor

The ents not agreeing to fight

The list goes on and on

Because PJ doesn't have the imagination

Also, @jasonsfolly should have played Haldir

But he would've won the whole battle himself

With just one sneer

Meanwhile, back in "things that never happened land" in Osgiliath, which is having Dunkirk feels, more things that never happened are happening

OMG PJ does not understand the Rohirrim but at all

And absolutely not Theoden

That charge tho

It's a good un

Like a said, cinematic grandeur

Needs character work

Sam gets it right in Osgiliath: "it's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here"

You're right Samwise, you shouldn't

Aw hell, let's have some fun and soup and watch Return of the King, why the hell not

Gotta have something to bring me back to the reality of disappointment

Geez, Smeagol, if you wanna choke Deagol out, straight arms dude, straight arms

It's like the One Ring doesn't even give you combatives skills

Oh right, this is the movie of "close up views of beings eating grossly" because Jackson just wants to keep all the food for himself

WHY IS THEODEN BEING A PRICK ABOUT GOING TO GONDOR'S AID

Wait, I'M SORRY but Arwen changes her mind because she's suddenly like OMG I COULD HAVE CHILDREN??

Jackson, GTFOutta here with that weak ass plot point

Also the HUBRIS to believe you can push the latter half of Two Towers into RotK as well as a buncha made up plot points

At this point I've sorta lost what's happening because he decided to say "ah, screw the books" for a while

Random ass orc D-Day here in Osgiliath with their little landing craft

This fucking whole ass fabrication of Denethor and Theoden beefing about fucking beacon lighting is some of the dumbest ass nonsense from all of Peter "oh I can't take a shower as it would wash away the patina of my shame" Jackson's stupid shenanigans

This movie makes me dislike just about everyone

Why does Denethor have Cover Girl hair

And aw hell, why does he eat like a weirdo

Oh, right, where Frodo tells Sam to go home

Sure

I can't remember if this is where I stood up to walk out or not

But at this point in the movie I was audibly saying 'what the fuck'

It was heartening to hear I wasn't the only person in the theater doing so

Wait

Elrond shows up to say Arwen is *dying*

How much pipe-weed were the writers on

Also, where's the gotdam Dunedain?

Really? Magic sword, Elrond? That's what ya got?

Even the made up plot points are derivative

Jackson's Theoden to Eowyn:

"You'd be prettier if you smiled"

THIS IS WHY I HATE THIS, YOU KNOW

Hi, engineer here

Those siege weapons throwing stones that distance would literally not crumble walls like that, unless the walls were made of chalk

Also, lol that this is even a Tolkien book anymore

This shoulda been called "A movie based on a novel called the return of the King"

Expensive-ass fan fiction

"And in that very moment, away behind in some courtyard of the city, a cock crowed. Shrill and clear he crowed, recking nothing of war nor of wizardry, welcoming only the morning that in the sky far above the shadows of death was coming with the dawn."

Words, people. WORDS.

Sure, it's cool in the movie but nothing can top the power of words. The simple, beautiful moment of a rooster crowing, followed by the horns of the North

Tolkien understood the power of words