We had a good run
But someone put Peter Jackson's so-called "The Lord of the Rings" on streaming services
And it's time for you all to know just how much they anger me
I fully expect a barrage of unfollows
Truth must be told
grumble grumble grumble
Or what Tolkien wanted the British to be
But Jackson did do Hobbiton fairly well
You won't find me griping too much about this film. It's the other two that I have the strongest objections to
The first character perversion. First of many
Great visuals. Shit character development. People just "do" things
But people never just "do" things. There's always context
And Saruman says Gandalf is getting slow because his love of pipe-weed? Jackson had a thing for pipe-weed as dope.
Strider is an uncouth, vicious looking man
Viggo just looks like he's a model who needs a shave and a wash
At Weathertop he just screams and falls down
Versus who he is in the book, who is someone who screams the name of an elf-god & attacks
Oh yeah, the cross-breeding of men and orcs
That would be a totes different sorta film
*dies on hill*
"It was just another elf"
Fine. President Truman freed the slaves. What? It's just another president.
Also FRODO WAS THE ONE WHO STOOD HIS HORSE MID-STREAM WITH SWORD UPRAISED
but whatever, who needs character development
HE LITERALLY RANGES WITH YOUR SONS, ELROND MY DUDE
YOU MEET WITH HIM ALL THE TIME TO TALK ABOUR RECLAIMING HIS KINGSHIP
and Aragorn carried the shards of Narsil around, thanks very much
Unless it's Princess Bride
And then both the movie and the book are equally glorious, for different reasons
They captured it exactly as I pictured it, and the feeling is exactly correct
Drink of the night is NOT GIN
I know, crazy
It's a Cabernet Sauvignon from @RadevicWines
And it is TASTY
and galadriel as crazy elf witch is just over the top
Just that they're leaving
& they don't give Sam his his seed to rebuild the Shire because they get rid of the Scouring
& they take Gimli, Merry, & Pippin & make them comic relief
The numbers of Uruk Hai seem somewhat um, exaggerated
Boromir's last stand is legit epic, though
Have Viggo be Faramir
Boromir's death is one of those moments
Pours more wine
Looks at camera
"Oh, we know what nonsense this movie has in store"
That holds true for the movie, too
Still. Will push through.
This is just a reminder of those agonizingly boring bits
"Oh look, the hobbits are walking through rocks. Oh look, they went in a circle. Now they're in marshes. Now they're in rocks. Now Gollum is being sneaky."
It's like," get back to the horse wars already"
Let it happen
Yes, Saruman is the militarization of society, but you could be subtler
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Get back to constipated Frodo freaking out every ten seconds
I think that was when I first got the actual concept of the Resurrection in Christianity
I mean, that and Aslan
Which I guess was the point
He wasn't possessed, he was flawed and human
And it's okay to show people being flawed and human
Because it's never as simple as possession. Tolkien realized that. PJ doesn't.
And by "thanks" I mean screw you, PJ
For humanity's sake
Or should I say
Because this ain't the faramir I know
In a dream
"Let's spend 15 minutes on a battle sequence with Aragorn falling off a cliff and making out with a horse rather than do character development"
That's Jackson to a T
For no purpose
With Theoden being cold and cranky versus the warm and loving man that he was, inspiring the devotion of Merry
Faramir. Literally. Does. The. Opposite. But nooooo, that isn't enough for PJ
He had to fuck up the best and most honest character in the books. The warrior and the learned men. The only true person of wisdom
And Jackson just drags him
But Faramir was who I truly admired out of these books. The leader who I thought was actually worthy to emulate in his thoughtfulness, compassion, and skill.
PJ makes Faramir cruel and only caring for Gondor
That's not the Faramir we see here
Oh, and Frodo is all cocked up as well
"They Shall Not Grow Old" barely makes up for this betrayal
It does not make up for the following monstrosity, nor those movies labeled "The Hobbit."
Yeah, I said it
heartfelt hugging scenes.
Gimli being weirdly Scottish
Odd Battle of Britain-fetishism feeling stuff going on here
Which they did
Cause they were teaming up with the dwarves from the Lonely Mountain to kick orc ass
I'd watch that movie
As soon as the enemy is in range, you engage
Not once they've begun maneuvering
That's some combat engineer energy right there
So he creates it
Theoden refusing help and being a downer
Faramir sending the ring to Gondor
The ents not agreeing to fight
The list goes on and on
Because PJ doesn't have the imagination
But he would've won the whole battle himself
With just one sneer
And absolutely not Theoden
It's a good un
Like a said, cinematic grandeur
Needs character work
You're right Samwise, you shouldn't
Gotta have something to bring me back to the reality of disappointment
It's like the One Ring doesn't even give you combatives skills
Jackson, GTFOutta here with that weak ass plot point
Why does Denethor have Cover Girl hair
And aw hell, why does he eat like a weirdo
I can't remember if this is where I stood up to walk out or not
But at this point in the movie I was audibly saying 'what the fuck'
It was heartening to hear I wasn't the only person in the theater doing so
Elrond shows up to say Arwen is *dying*
How much pipe-weed were the writers on
Also, where's the gotdam Dunedain?
Even the made up plot points are derivative
"You'd be prettier if you smiled"
THIS IS WHY I HATE THIS, YOU KNOW
Those siege weapons throwing stones that distance would literally not crumble walls like that, unless the walls were made of chalk
Also, lol that this is even a Tolkien book anymore
Expensive-ass fan fiction
Words, people. WORDS.
Tolkien understood the power of words