1pm: WOWOWOWOW! Today is like Nige Christmas Eve! The Yanks are at the polling booths and I’m having my first beer of the day at 5am to celebrate. Don-Don’s been looking tired the past few weeks and I can understand why!
9am: OOPS I fell asleep in my early-hours-pint at 2am and missed my Don-Don’s big epic emphatic win! Woke up and saw the news and immediately burst in to tears!
11am: Was hoping Don-Don would have text since our call…I’m sure he’s busy but it’s easy to get a bit insecure when you email over your flight details (with v funny picture of chihuahua falling off a wall [chihuahuas are Mexican]) and don’t even get a reply. Hmmm.
2pm: It’s Remembrance Sunday but I have MUCH more important things on my mind because I’m in a taxi/cab on my way to TT!
10am: Didn’t sleep very well in my suite at TT (Trump Tower) last night because of all the protesting outside. They should bloody well grow up and accept the result just like I accepted Great Britain joining the EU way back in the 1970s.
11pm: Phew! Big day for me and Trumpster - he was appearing with his family on 60 Minutes! I offered to appear too as it feels like I really am part of the family these days but he said I wasn’t required. Well, Mike Pence did anyway, Don-Don was too busy to chat.
3pm: Took the D-Man breakfast in bed this morning and something was obviously really annoying him so I only sat at the end of the bed for 45 minutes and then made the decision to fly home/to Britain.
1pm: Right, so I just spat my 12.55pm pint all over my computer screen because apparently bloody dreadful Clinton woman has fixed it so she beats my Trumpzo in the so-called ‘popular vote’.
4pm: DT not replying to texts, emails, phonecalls or Twitter PMs. Very worrying. Hope he’s OK. I checked the news but it’s got so much left-wing bias they wouldn’t say if he was ill or anything.
5am: Just had brilliant idea and something that my very own President Elect is bound to be impressed by - I’m going to become a Lord! Yep, no-one messes with a Lord. I’ll tell you who is not a Lord: Mike Pence, that’s who!
9pm: It’s just been announced that Alec Baldwin (my least favourite Baldwin actually [my favourite is Stanley Baldwin]) is going to be doing yet another rubbish Saturday Night Live skit this weekend as Don-Don.
6pm: Apparently a load of ethnic actors in the musical Hamilton (which is not about my underling Neil Hamilton) asked Pence to include everyone in his new government and Don-Don agrees with me this was outrageous. Not how government works, ethnic actors! Wise up!
10am: This Bannon bloke doesn’t take crap from anyone, female or otherwise. And doesn’t try to monopolise Don-Don’s time like Pence. Secretly I’m glad Pence was booed at the ethnic musical. That’ll teach him for messing around when he’s meant to be doing politics.
7pm: Don-Don’s meeting the Queen! Mrs May wouldn’t be my pick for PM (Donny says she wouldn’t be his pick for a wife haha very funny man, women are idiots) but with my help without her or anyone even knowing about it, I’ve helped set up this meeting.
8am: Probably my biggest day as a politician: Don-Don, via Twitter, has elected me Ambassador for Britain to the United States of America. I never even wanted Thanet, this was always my ultimate goal. Weeping in to my breakfast pint!!!