THREAD: EXCLUSIVE! I've got my hands on the Farage Diaries from around the time Donald Trump was elected president in 2016! This is explosive stuff.
November 8th
1pm: WOWOWOWOW! Today is like Nige Christmas Eve! The Yanks are at the polling booths and I’m having my first beer of the day at 5am to celebrate. Don-Don’s been looking tired the past few weeks and I can understand why!
1pm: WOWOWOWOW! Today is like Nige Christmas Eve! The Yanks are at the polling booths and I’m having my first beer of the day at 5am to celebrate. Don-Don’s been looking tired the past few weeks and I can understand why!
It’s like when I was running for Thanet last year all over again!!! You campaign, you get your message out there, you have a pint, you pick up a baby, you have a cigarette and a pint, you high-five a man who wants to get his country back and you have some pints.
Don-Don doesn’t drink of course but that’s because in America the beer is a load of shit pardon my French hahaha just kidding I don’t like anything French.
11pm: The counts are coming in now and Don-Don is putting on a great party in New York City aka The Big City! My invite got lost in the post I reckon but that’s OK, my country needs me and Andrew Neil over at the Beeb wants to do a live link with me at 1am GMT.
I’m ready to giggle with my chums over satellite link-up. My hot takes on the election might end up being the biggest story of the night! Imagine that.
November 9th
9am: OOPS I fell asleep in my early-hours-pint at 2am and missed my Don-Don’s big epic emphatic win! Woke up and saw the news and immediately burst in to tears!
9am: OOPS I fell asleep in my early-hours-pint at 2am and missed my Don-Don’s big epic emphatic win! Woke up and saw the news and immediately burst in to tears!
The tears were red, white and blue (not literally, that was just poetic language the Queen and my close personal friend and fellow politician Donald J Trumpy would appreciate).
Red, white and blue are the colours of both and the American flag (known as the Striped Star Flag) and the British flag (has no nickname) by the way.
Literally couldn’t be more excited that I not only showed the elites what’s what by 100% causing Brexit but also 100% using my political force to get Trump elected to US Prime Minister aka President of the Americas.
7pm: Gave Trumpo a call as soon as I could! Couldn’t get through for the first 4 hours but kept trying and eventually let him know that I was so excited and he said “thank you, Nigel - means a lot” and I wept again.
Oh Nigel, you big softy, you’re becoming more emotional than a silly housewife! Don-Don said I should come over and visit and even though my country needs me I immediately got on the internet and booked the first flight I could find that was also reasonably-priced.
Had to go no-frills (BA first class mid afternoon) because I’m not an elite, I am just an ordinary working man. I bet Don-Don would have sent his private jet if I’d asked but I wouldn’t expect that, obviously.
November 10th
11am: Was hoping Don-Don would have text since our call…I’m sure he’s busy but it’s easy to get a bit insecure when you email over your flight details (with v funny picture of chihuahua falling off a wall [chihuahuas are Mexican]) and don’t even get a reply. Hmmm.
11am: Was hoping Don-Don would have text since our call…I’m sure he’s busy but it’s easy to get a bit insecure when you email over your flight details (with v funny picture of chihuahua falling off a wall [chihuahuas are Mexican]) and don’t even get a reply. Hmmm.
2pm: Silly Nigel! Was just pouring a fine Australian red in to a pint glass when Donny-T emailed me back!!!! “Look forward to seeing you at TT”. TT!!! Trump Tower! I’m going to Trump Tower!!!!
November 11th
2pm: It’s Remembrance Sunday but I have MUCH more important things on my mind because I’m in a taxi/cab on my way to TT!
2pm: It’s Remembrance Sunday but I have MUCH more important things on my mind because I’m in a taxi/cab on my way to TT!
Hahahaha Remembrance Sunday...how ironic that I keep forgetting! No time for Remembrance Sunday when you’ve got to make a nation great again. What can history really teach us anyway? Pah, I’m looking to the future!
11pm: Tucked up in bed now but I just have to say I had the greatest time congratulating my Trumpalump in person! We took a v glamorous selfie (photograph of ourselves) in his beautiful shiny gold elevator. Oops, I mean lift hahaha! Look at me, talking like an American!!
11:15pm: Don-Don was really ruddy keen on the way I operate. I told him he was wonderful 30 times in about 5 minutes and I knew he appreciated that.
I think normally he surrounds himself with people who disagree with him so it must be nice for him to have someone around who is more of a ‘yes man’. I told him about all the times I ran for Thanet and how the voters of Thanet feel my unfair losses are now vindicated by his win.
11:30pm: Maybe I’m supposed to be an American now. Something to think about…
November 12th
10am: Didn’t sleep very well in my suite at TT (Trump Tower) last night because of all the protesting outside. They should bloody well grow up and accept the result just like I accepted Great Britain joining the EU way back in the 1970s.
10am: Didn’t sleep very well in my suite at TT (Trump Tower) last night because of all the protesting outside. They should bloody well grow up and accept the result just like I accepted Great Britain joining the EU way back in the 1970s.
November 13th
11pm: Phew! Big day for me and Trumpster - he was appearing with his family on 60 Minutes! I offered to appear too as it feels like I really am part of the family these days but he said I wasn’t required. Well, Mike Pence did anyway, Don-Don was too busy to chat.
11pm: Phew! Big day for me and Trumpster - he was appearing with his family on 60 Minutes! I offered to appear too as it feels like I really am part of the family these days but he said I wasn’t required. Well, Mike Pence did anyway, Don-Don was too busy to chat.
11:05pm: Not sure I trust Pence. On the one hand he has all these great qualities like excellent policies that serve people like me very well/don’t affect me at all but on the other hand I feel he’s getting a bit too attached to my Don-Don. I sense a little jealousy to be frank!
November 14th
3pm: Took the D-Man breakfast in bed this morning and something was obviously really annoying him so I only sat at the end of the bed for 45 minutes and then made the decision to fly home/to Britain.
3pm: Took the D-Man breakfast in bed this morning and something was obviously really annoying him so I only sat at the end of the bed for 45 minutes and then made the decision to fly home/to Britain.
November 15th
1pm: Right, so I just spat my 12.55pm pint all over my computer screen because apparently bloody dreadful Clinton woman has fixed it so she beats my Trumpzo in the so-called ‘popular vote’.
1pm: Right, so I just spat my 12.55pm pint all over my computer screen because apparently bloody dreadful Clinton woman has fixed it so she beats my Trumpzo in the so-called ‘popular vote’.
Didn’t do a very ruddy good job of fixing it did she, the elite nutter - everyone knows you have to win the electoral college. Whatever that is. Well done Don-Don for showing her that you can’t just use money to get in to power!
November 16th
4pm: DT not replying to texts, emails, phonecalls or Twitter PMs. Very worrying. Hope he’s OK. I checked the news but it’s got so much left-wing bias they wouldn’t say if he was ill or anything.
4pm: DT not replying to texts, emails, phonecalls or Twitter PMs. Very worrying. Hope he’s OK. I checked the news but it’s got so much left-wing bias they wouldn’t say if he was ill or anything.
4:30pm: Mike Pence just answered Don-Don’s phone and said he wasn’t available. Honestly, Mike is starting to come across as a bit of a hanger-on. Very embarrassing!
November 17th
5am: Just had brilliant idea and something that my very own President Elect is bound to be impressed by - I’m going to become a Lord! Yep, no-one messes with a Lord. I’ll tell you who is not a Lord: Mike Pence, that’s who!
5am: Just had brilliant idea and something that my very own President Elect is bound to be impressed by - I’m going to become a Lord! Yep, no-one messes with a Lord. I’ll tell you who is not a Lord: Mike Pence, that’s who!
11:45pm: Told Don-Don on various platforms that I might be a Lord soon - he just sent a thumbs-up on Facebook Messenger. Phew!
November 18th
9pm: It’s just been announced that Alec Baldwin (my least favourite Baldwin actually [my favourite is Stanley Baldwin]) is going to be doing yet another rubbish Saturday Night Live skit this weekend as Don-Don.
9pm: It’s just been announced that Alec Baldwin (my least favourite Baldwin actually [my favourite is Stanley Baldwin]) is going to be doing yet another rubbish Saturday Night Live skit this weekend as Don-Don.
His impression is unfair & left-wing biased. Sick of it and so is the D-Meister. Text Trumpzilla to let him know I was thinking of him and he was actually very grateful and we chatted on Skype for 35 mins about how Baldwin is not funny and not even handsome so I know I'm valued.
November 19th
6pm: Apparently a load of ethnic actors in the musical Hamilton (which is not about my underling Neil Hamilton) asked Pence to include everyone in his new government and Don-Don agrees with me this was outrageous. Not how government works, ethnic actors! Wise up!
6pm: Apparently a load of ethnic actors in the musical Hamilton (which is not about my underling Neil Hamilton) asked Pence to include everyone in his new government and Don-Don agrees with me this was outrageous. Not how government works, ethnic actors! Wise up!
6:30pm: Donny-Boo also bravely settled his lawsuit with ungrateful university students. They’re complaining that $25million isn’t enough. I said to DT “You can buy a house with that!”. He laughed because he says he couldn’t. I laughed back because I find everything he says funny.
November 20th
10am: This Bannon bloke doesn’t take crap from anyone, female or otherwise. And doesn’t try to monopolise Don-Don’s time like Pence. Secretly I’m glad Pence was booed at the ethnic musical. That’ll teach him for messing around when he’s meant to be doing politics.
10am: This Bannon bloke doesn’t take crap from anyone, female or otherwise. And doesn’t try to monopolise Don-Don’s time like Pence. Secretly I’m glad Pence was booed at the ethnic musical. That’ll teach him for messing around when he’s meant to be doing politics.
November 21st
7pm: Don-Don’s meeting the Queen! Mrs May wouldn’t be my pick for PM (Donny says she wouldn’t be his pick for a wife haha very funny man, women are idiots) but with my help without her or anyone even knowing about it, I’ve helped set up this meeting.
7pm: Don-Don’s meeting the Queen! Mrs May wouldn’t be my pick for PM (Donny says she wouldn’t be his pick for a wife haha very funny man, women are idiots) but with my help without her or anyone even knowing about it, I’ve helped set up this meeting.
Gosh...a meeting between the two most powerful people on the planet. Can’t wait to attend too probably!
November 22nd
8am: Probably my biggest day as a politician: Don-Don, via Twitter, has elected me Ambassador for Britain to the United States of America. I never even wanted Thanet, this was always my ultimate goal. Weeping in to my breakfast pint!!!
8am: Probably my biggest day as a politician: Don-Don, via Twitter, has elected me Ambassador for Britain to the United States of America. I never even wanted Thanet, this was always my ultimate goal. Weeping in to my breakfast pint!!!
10am: A Twitter person called SophElms94 (a woman) suggested Fred West would be a better ambassador for Britain than me. Well the joke’s on you, Soph! He wouldn’t because unlike me he's dead. Haha made yourself look foolish there! Luckily I see the funny side of every situation.
1pm: Fucking Number fucking 10 have rejected Don-Don’s official appointment of me as ambassador for the UK! This is fucking outrageous! They can’t fucking do this! I am the Leader of the Opposition, FOX News said so! Fuck you!
1:15pm: Turns out they can do this, it’s not up to Don-Trump to appoint ambassadors for other nations.
1:20pm: We’ll see what happens come January 20th, won’t we, world. Oh yes. We will. Arise Lord Nigel, your time will come!
