Thread by @SoozUK

THREAD: In January 2018 I went to the cinema with a guy I’d been getting on really well with in the cast of a musical. Here’s what went down.

Our cast all decided to go out for afternoon drinks on our day off. I was drinking with my colleagues for 7 hours until it was just me and Evan left. Here we are.

Evan is 6ft and drinks better than I do but I’d been matching him drink for drink LIKE A RIGHT LAD. He said he wanted to go to the cinema to see Three Billboards. I knew there was a cinema across the street! Off we went.

My memories end there.

My memories restart here: I was being shaken awake by TWO members of cinema staff at the @HackneyPH (thank you Hackney Picturehouse, you are very good). “Can you tell us your name?” they asked urgently. Erm, yeah, I’m Sooz, jeez, what the hell?

@HackneyPH “Can you walk?” they asked carefully. Yes, I could, because I have two states of drunkenness - one is blacked out, the other is wide awake and very pleased with my own opinions.

@HackneyPH I marched out of the cinema screen down the steps with the staff chasing me. Chill out guys, I was just having a little kip.

@HackneyPH They sat me down in an alcove to the side of screen’s exit and gave me water. “Do you feel like you’re going to be sick again...?”. Yeah, so, anyway, turns out I’d been sick on my leg. But it was only a little bit so I reckon it was a burp that went wrong.

@HackneyPH I have never been sick from drinking before or since by the way. I’m not a very sicky person in general. Fellas.

@HackneyPH “OH NO!” I said. “Don’t worry” the staff said kindly, “who are you here with?”. “My friend Evan!” I answered. “No” they replied, “you were in there alone”.

@HackneyPH OH NO!

@HackneyPH “What film were you seeing?” the staff asked. “Three Billboards Outside Of Ebbing Missouri” I said proudly. They then informed me that I'd been in the screen, alone, sick on my leg, "watching" The Darkest Hour.

@HackneyPH Something had obviously gone very wrong. I hadn’t wanted to see that film at ALL. I didn’t even want to see Three Billboards Outside Of Effing Missouri, Evan did. And I'm a feminist so I'd let HIM choose.

@HackneyPH I didn’t have my coat, bag, phone etc and they weren’t in the Darkest Hour screen so they must have been with Evan. “We’re going to find your friend in the screen” the staff said and I said “NO!” (coz he’d been looking forward to the movie).

@HackneyPH At this point I could tell they weren’t quite sure whether Evan actually existed. I was only 80% to be honest.

@HackneyPH We compromised. One member of Picturehouse staff would wait with me at the exit to the Three Billboards screen and if Evan didn’t show at the end they’d put me in a taxi home.

The film had over AN HOUR AND A HALF left.

@HackneyPH The staff member they left me with was 17 and he got to hear all about Ted Bundy from ol’ Sooz. I also told him about how Tonya Harding’s triple axel was such a gamechanger. Lucky guy!

@HackneyPH At the end of the film Evan came out of the screen with my coat, bag, all my stuff and said “THERE you are!”. I told him what had happened, pointed to the (small about of, fellas!) sick on my leg, took my phone back to check Twitter, natch.

@HackneyPH And then Evan filled in the blanks.

@HackneyPH 5 minutes in to Three Billboards I’d gone “this film is intense, I’m going for a wee” and then I’d left the screen.

But I left the screen by climbing over every single seat in front of me, even if people were in them.

@HackneyPH 10 minutes later Evan was concerned I wasn’t back. Half an hour later he went looking for me. He could hear my voice but couldn’t get to me coz I was in a place you only reach when exiting that screen at the END of the movie.

@HackneyPH “What was I talking about?” I asked. “Sooz, it was Tonya Harding”.

Lucky. Guys.

@HackneyPH So I’d obviously left the screen like a cross between Simone Biles and a gazelle, gone for a wee (hadn’t pissed myself, fellas), wandered in to a different screen, sicked on myself, fallen asleep like a Disney princess.

@HackneyPH Some poor cinema goer who had literally just wanted to see Gary Oldman win the Oscar for Most Makeup had been disturbed by Lady In Her 30s Being Sick.

@HackneyPH After the film I was sobering up and was SO embarrassed. But Evan was GREAT, took me for food, we had a laugh about times he’d been similarly pissed and worse.

@HackneyPH And now it's time to will reveal whether Evan and I ended up together…...........

No, we didn't, did you even read this thread? None of that behaviour was charming.

Have a great Sunday everybody.

@HackneyPH Thank you for enjoying this thread and hello to new followers. If you have enjoyed this why not throw some pennies the way of my Patreon. When I get to $50 a month I'm going to do a special one-off podcast about the movie Showgirls. patreon.com/SoozUK