Thread by @boucherhayes

Dublin tech bro heading to Lisbon for Web Summit is putting his best moves on a Brazilian girl in the row behind me. This is very thread-worthy.

In fact this is worthy of a title:

Missed connections: A possible explanation of why the tech-bro’s failed chat up routine led to species extinction.

Him: So you’re from Brazil, you’re definitely going to have to go through immigration control. I don’t because we’re in the EU. Do you know the EU?

Her: Brazilian passport holders don’t require visas for Portugal.

Him: So I speak a bit of Portuguese myself.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes, but my dialect is European, and yours is Brazilian so you won’t understand me.

I had to look around after this exchange, and god bless her she’s smiling from ear to ear while he’s chuntering on about how his Spanish is better but he feels Portuguese is so much more romantic.

Here comes the trolley.

Ryan Air: Sorry we only have ham and cheese sandwiches.

Him to her: Ham, you know ... from a pig.

Her: Is it, are you sure?

Him: Yes I’ll buy it for you. My present to you.

Him: “Sorry I should have told you what I do. I used to work directly for ***** ***** but now I consult for my own company ...

(4/5mins uninterrupted monologue)

.... so I have a very important week ahead of me as you can see”

Her: Can I get out to go to the toilet please?

It does not take 15 minutes to go to the toilet.

Ryan Air: Fasten Seat Belts.

She’s going to have to come back now.

This girl is amazing. She’s back. She’s smiling. But she is fidgeting with a phone and set of earphones. Bro better up his game.

Him: So I know Lisbon pretty well.

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Him: Oh ... the centre

I’m in a kink here

Her: I’ve been going to university here for two years now.

Bro is in real trouble

But, oh my god, he hasn’t seen the opportunity for a pivot.

Instead of taking up the cue to talk about her and her course he’s puffbagging about his visualisation for business success techniques.

I’m kind of zoning out now. All this “I’ve never had a self confidence problem, but if you do it’s going to really work for you” schtick is a bit of a yawn.

By rights she should have reached down his throat and ripped his pancreas out with her finger nails by now. The guy on the other side of them looks like she’s going to. But she’s ploughing on.

Drinks trolley

Him: Hey dude, where are you from?

Ryan Air: Morocco

Him: Wow man, how do you say sugar in Arabic?

Ryan Air: Soo-ker

Him to her: See, I told you I love languages.

I snorted.

Her: I think I might listen to some music

We are on the brink of a strike out. Do something, Dude. Ask her about her university. Her favourite music.

Him: What apps do you have? Show me your phone. I *need* to know.

Oh man. Really? Really, really? 🤦‍♂️

Travel cushion is out of her bag. Earphones in. Body language very much “Do not disturb”.

And that is the end of that. Our flight might be maintaining a steady 30,000 feet, but the bro in 15E has crashed and burned.

There’s a post script from the passport hall. But it’s just so embarrassing it’s going to take me a while to get over the feeling I need to remove my eyes and ears with a branding iron.

He trotted up to her. Looking for all the world like a puppy that’s forgotten it just got ass whupped.

“It was great to talk to you. As a rule I only talk to foreign women. Irish women look at you like you are all weird”

You don’t say!!!

Anyway, I know her name. I won’t post it here, but I will be forwarding it to Pope Francis with a recommendation for a fast tracked beatification.