Thread by @LMsDread

fiarytale crack, probably.

According to the library shelf usually frequented by the gaggle of the most irritating and incessantly giggly ladies-in-waiting, it was a fool-proof method of meeting a prince charming. Half-way up the hill, Gabriel was willing to reconsider.

Especially with his hair plastered with sweat to his forehead and the coffin swaying dangerously on the rock it was leaning on as he eyed his destination with deep-seated disdain. He should have picked something closer and forgone the dramatically scenic cliffs.

Or, maybe, enlist the oafish imbecile's help as a draft animal to lug the contraption because there was no other thing he had ever been useful but his brutish strength in the most mundane and common tasks like digging the field, bringing the game back home, or wrangling wyverns.

Scratch that, the wyverns were gaining in size rapidly now, and the wrangling went more often than not the other way round, and, what Jack so obviously failed to understand with his lacking brains, one only had to keep consistency. The wyverns had never bothered Gabriel.

There was also that dragon skull Jack had dragged back to the cottage. And all the times he chopped the firewood because someone had to be there to watch out for the moment he would finally put the ax in his leg - definitely the only reason Gabriel ever paid any attention to it.

The current thread of thought focusing entirely on all the ways the buffoon was liable to chop one of his limbs off (and this was the hill Gabriel was willing to die on, except maybe for the one he was standing on now) was cut short by Ripper’s happy barks.

The stinking turncoat passed him again, umpteenth time possibly, and turned around to sniff at a solitary rosebush. The bush passed the hellhound's brief inspection. Ripper turned, raised its leg, and peed. The rosebud bush immediately went up in flames.

Gabriel glared. The beast could at least pretend to be helping. Slowly, he maneuvered around the coffin since pushing no longer worked, grappled with it for a second as it threatened to slide, and started pulling. At last, it moved - no matter the small stone avalanche.

And no matter the small fluffy bunny frightened by it out of its hiding spot Ripper just had for a snack. Good riddance, one less pest for the idiot to gripe about when talking about his tomatoes. That last part Gabriel mimed drawing on years of experience with the stage.

Finally, after another hour of forcefully bargaining with the powers of gravity and proud of his achievement, Gabriel fell to the grass. There was nothing more between him and the kiss the books promised, he only had to regain a bit of his strength to get up.

Ripper, who seemed to interpret his position as the invitation for a different kind of kisses, had provided the additional motivation, and the slobber with the faint sulfuric aroma was not helping the situation at all. Gabriel regarded the coffin with an apprising look.

Everything looked perfect, he even brought a pillow since the narrative instructions usually included sleeping - so some waiting time was warranted. He slid the lid partially off the coffin.
"Stay," Gabriel mumbled at Ripper, who tilted its head with the dumb animal curiosity.

Definitely couldn't be trusted to actually listen to any instructions given but maybe - maybe - it would get distracted with something small and running for its life again. Or go bother the oaf for some scraps. Ripper was getting quite round on the edges, anyway.

Gabriel climbed into the coffin, fluffed the pillow, secured the latch, and found more or less comfortable position (in retrospection, should have thought about some blanket because the hard wood was anything but comfy) with his hands crossed over his chest.

With the sun still high in the sky, it soon became nice and warm, and Gabriel drifted into light sleep easily - only to be woken up by the persistent thumping noise of someone banging on the glass lid. Through the fogged glass the figure made the impression of being agreeable.

Blond and tall, Gabriel groggily thought not stopping to ponder about the banging, at least not until there was a loud crash and he shot up banging his forehead hard on the lid in the process and fell back to the pillow while a hand rooted inside the coffin for the latch.

After the lid had been shoved off to the side, and as the sounds indicated, shattered completely, Gabriel stared accusingly at Jack.
"I have glass in my hair, and you are responsible, you oaf."
Jack only inhaled slowly and gripped the edge of the coffin while leaning down.

Which meant he was going to have one of his unreasonable conniptions about nothing of a matter.
"Airholes. You forgot airholes."
"How did you even get here?" Gabriel pouted, picking the shards out of his hair.

"Your ravens were screaming their beaks off. And there was pecking involved. A lot of pecking."
And without the doubt, the whole flock was sitting on the tree, with Huginn and Muninn on the highest perch available. Feathered turncoats, all of them.

Thinking of it, wasn't it time to replace his coat? That would show them. Gabriel was sure they were all snickering at him under their beaks right now.
"You ruined my kiss."
"You want me to kiss you?" Jack blinked with pure stupid written on his face plain as day.

That flutter in Gabriel's stomach was, without any doubt, the revulsion he felt at the mere thought of smacking lips with the simpleton.
"Absolutely not!"
"Yeah," Jack looked to the side, "that's what I thought. I wouldn't like to kiss you either. Ew." He tacked on at the end.

It hurt, a little bit.
"Good!" Gabriel ground out with narrowed eyes.
"Good!" Jack turned and started walking down the slope. Without a moment's pause, Ripper got up and started following him with a noticeable excited skip in his trot.

All the ravens slowly turned their heads to stare at Gabriel. As soon as Jack disappeared behind the treeline, Muninn opened its beak and intoned:
"Idiot."
The rest of the flock joined in. Yes, he really needed that new cloak, right now.