Thread by @BisTheFairy

Reviewing Steam Loco Emojis

APPLE: vaguely almost passable, looks like a stereotypical old wild west locomotive

Unnecessarily detailed for an emoji, and yet the piston housing doesn't contain a fucking piston, the coupling rod just,,,,juts into it? might be able to move/10

GOOGLE:

Looks like a fusion between an old wild west steam loco, and an old shunting diesel, probably by accident tho

Despite being aesthetically hideous, it's simple enough for me to forgive the physically impossible coupling rod/piston placement. Ugly cartoon that can move/10

MICROSOFT:

APPLE's wild west loco melts as one emoji artist copies another from memory

"trains have a,,, line between the wheel right?" they say, before putting a weird bar on the small unpowered front wheels

funnel on the boiler?? no room for pistons??

non-functional/10

SAMSU-OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK

Disgustingly shiny and garish

Loco appears to be powered by an inanimate bar, which channels spirit energy from the footplate to the wheels? No other explanation

Please just google "the things on train wheels" and get a reference

embarrassment/10

WHAT'S APP

Basically Apple's Wild West loco, only, greener, cuter, and hey at least there's pistons now, even if the boiler dome has disappeared....and the coupling rods, u-um

Cute and can move/10

TWITTER

Okay so somebody copied APPLE's wild west loco agaaain, but them gave it Samsung's fucking spirit bar?

This is not only bad, it's boringly bad

Sigh :C /10

FACEBO-o-oh wait, isn't this just Twitter again???

The telephone game continues, as Facebook adds some shininess, and um, some whistles?

This fucking spirit bar is gonna make me scream, why why why whyw hy wyhwhywwhywhwywhwy

ANGRY SIGH/10

JOYPIXELS

Okay, I like the biiiig whistle, and the red wheels, feels a bit cute and innocent

Actual pistons and coupling rods too! As sad as it is to say, having 2 front wheels instead of 4 is a breath of fresh air in all this homogeneity

would make a great toy trainset/10

OPENMOJI

FINALLY SOMETHING THAT ISN'T WILD WEST, no huge wood ember blocking funnel, no cow catcher on the front, and instead of being a tender engine WITHOUT A TENDER, this is a tank engine! Cute lil grey tank engine!!

Artstyle permits the lack of rods/pistons imo

CUTIE/10

EMOJIDEX

Sorta vaguely wild west?? Weird design, with that much space you'd expect a 3rd set of wheels for more traction, but at least they know what coupling rods are, if we assume there's internal pistons (there's room) this might work! Also distinct monochrome look

moves?/10

MESSENGER

Ya know what, sans the lack of front window I have no design nitpicks here, and everything technically should work, and it's well rendered at a fun angle too

I just don't liiiike it, doesn't have much character

Absolutely operable/10

LG

E-EXCUSE ME? MICROSOFT'S NON-DRIVING FRONT WHEEL BAR IS BACK, AND NOW IT'S, A-ACTING AS A PISTON FOR A SINGLE REAR DRIVING WHEEL??? BUT THIS, DOESN'T MAKE SPACIAL SENSE

THIS CANNOT FUCKING MOVE, IF IT DID IT'D HAVE LITTLE TRACTION, ALSO IT'S UGLY

BURN/10

HTC

Juuuuuuuuuust low detail enough, that I can forgive the fact that it's clearly a vague from memory version of some other emoji

Works as a symbol I guess, a fridge magnet, aesthetically alright

Fridge magnet/10

MOZZILA

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU THE SPIRIT BAR IS BACK, AND NOW IT'S CHANNELING ITS SPIRIT TO THE FRONT SMALLER NON-DRIVING WHEELS

AND THE RINGS ON THE BOILER BREAK THE PERSPECTIVE

AND THERE'S A NIPPLE ON THE SMOKEBOX

AND IT'S UGLY

EAT SHIT/10 FUCK THIS I'[M DONE