It's that time of year again. A tradition that comes around every year at this time whether people want it to or not: @rayadverb's Holiday Gift Guide. Note that all 12 of the gifts in this guide are real. You can actually buy them. (THREAD)
@rayadverb This is not a typical gift guide, the kind that features gifts people might actually want to receive. This is @rayadverb's guide featuring a very special kind of gift — the kind that causes that person to sincerely wonder what he or she ever did to you. hrld.us/2LYodWj
@rayadverb The Umbrella Jacket is a “must-have” for the fashion-conscious individual on your gift list who wants to be protected from the rain and at the same time look like he or she is wearing one of those those cones that veterinarians use to keep dogs from licking themselves.
@rayadverb Idaho-Opoly is a gift that will keep the youngsters enchanted from the moment they unwrap it to the moment, approximately one nanosecond later, when they move on to the next gift.
@rayadverb The Bev Buckle will enhance the appearance of any outfit whose appearance would be enhanced by a large heavy flip-down belt buckle. The Bev Buckle has appeared on the popular TV show “@abcsharktank,” which should tell you something.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank The Chicken Swing is the perfect gift for you or for the special chicken-owner on your holiday list. This is a swing designed specifically for chickens. The expression on your chicken’s face will tell you all you need to know.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank The Thanos Swimsuit is the perfect item for the guy or gal on your gift list who is proud, perhaps a little too proud, of his or her physique. This is a one-piece garment made of stretchy material so thin that you could fit the whole thing, wadded up, into an Advil capsule.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank The idea behind the Dadbag, which is a waist pack cleverly disguised as a pale hairy pot belly, is the kind that Dad develops after a decade or so of zero sit-ups and several thousand beers. Once strapped on, it becomes an undetectable secret hiding place for your possessions.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank The real benefit of the Bubble Wrap Suit is the way it cushions the wearer in the event that -- this happens far too often, in today’s hectic business world -- the wearer is sealed in a cardboard box that is handled carelessly by delivery persons.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank Let us imagine the joy the Zombie Roadkill Toy Truck will bring to a special child on your holiday gift list, who will spend countless happy hours beheading zombies with a rotating crane decapitator. For that, truly, is what the holiday season is all about.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank Flushin’ Frenzy is a game of skill and strategy, wherein players try to unclog a “stopped-up toilet” by taking turns pushing a plunger until the poop pops up. “POOP there it is!” states the box. “Be the first to grab it and score points!”
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank Thanks to the Neck Phone Holder's revolutionary “hands-free” design, you ALWAYS have your phone right in front of your face, where it belongs. Be in constant touch with people you love, unless they are standing in front of you, in which case your phone will block them from view.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank In the Chow Crown game, you stick pieces of food on forks, place the crown on the player’s head, then start the motor, causing the forks to rotate around the player’s head while a song plays. The goal is to eat as many pieces of food as possible before the song ends.
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank The Ray Gun Nose-Hair Trimmer is something that you can confidently whip out and use in a fashionable restaurant, swanky nightclub or high-level corporate meeting — any situation, really, except maybe in an airport security area. (“DON’T SHOOT! IT’S A NOSE TRIMMER!”)
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank Remember, if you purchase any item from this guide, and you are not completely satisfied, simply wipe your fingerprints off the item, wrap it in chains and drop it into any major body of water under the cover of darkness. @rayadverb will take it from there hrld.us/2LYodWj
@rayadverb @ABCSharkTank If you value gift guides like this, please consider subscribing today. Or any day for that matter. @rayadverb charged all of these items to his corporate credit card and we have to figure out a way to pay for them. Anyone want to buy an extra Bev Buckle? bit.ly/2SckFRT
