Thread by @garius

Its Friday, Friday, FRIDAY!

So here's a short thread about the people who gave Paddington Bear 2 (overall: 5 stars) 1 star reviews on Amazon.

Gonna start with my favourite: Paul.

Paul has two major issues with the children's film Paddington 2.

The first of these is that it is targeted it at children, not Paul.

Paul's second issue with Paddington 2 is that it is unrealistic.

Not because it involves a CGI talking bear wrongfully imprisoned for stealing a pop-up book, but because it misrepresents the logistics and supply chain within the UK prison system.

That's not to say that Paul doesn't think the plot line of Paddington making marmalade for the entire prison didn't have potential to entertain adults and kids.

The producers just focused on the wrong thing. The act of friendship, rather than the prison's procurement process.

Paul isn't the only one who feels that Paddington 2 is mis-targeted.

Reviewer Socratese also feels that this children's film failed to cater enough to the over-60s market.

Reviewer Epona's concerns are different.

She feels that Michael Bond wouldn't approve of the plot, which revolves around feelings of alienation as an immigrant, and how kindness exists in every one regardless of skin (or fur) colour or class.

Which is a bit confusing.

Oh, and the interior decorating in Paddington 2 was inappropriate.

Oh. And young people ruining classic kids books.

Thanks Epona. 👍

Reviewer Deathcruzer is more direct than the others. No mucking around for him. He's not afraid to yell directly at that cloud.

Although we should maybe take Deathcruzer's review with a pinch of salt. As he seems to feel the same about the Philadelphia Experiment remake.

And Vikings.

And the Day The Earth Stood Still remake.

Which also highlights another theme of outrage in Deathcruzer's grand reviewing opus: strong female characters.

Or "femails" as Deathcruzer likes to call them as his one-star reviewing career develops, and he emerges from his rage-cacoon as a fully-fledged Daily Mail butterfly.

In fact the only thing that Deathcruzer DOES seem to like (five stars) on Amazon is metal archery broadheads.

Which... well...

...if hating Paddington 2 wasn't already enough to get him flagged on some kind of police list, this should be.

Let's move swiftly on.

Because not every one star review of Paddington 2 is based simply on the fact that it looks a bit modern and is not aimed at the senior citizen market. Honestly!

Reviewer ChrisG has some valid stylistic points to make about the film and...

...oh.

Oh wait.

Luckily, after all this though, Reviewer Ratty is on hand to politely point out to ChrisG and the others that maybe the film isn't for them.

So I'll leave you with his review.

Anyway, hope you liked this look at the irrational dislike of a film that is unremittingly lovely and ends with steam engine chase scene, led by a teenager saying:

"My name's not J-Dog. It's Jonathan Brown. And I like steam trains"

Which makes it THE BEST GODDAMN MOVE EVER MADE

And if you're REALLY lucky, one day I'll do a thread on the one-star reviewers of the original Paddington movie.

Trust me: they were shocked SHOCKED to discover that Paddington, the story of a small bear from darkest Peru sent to London on his own, is somehow about immigration.

END BITS: If you enjoyed this follow and retweet!

And if you want to buy me a coffee (or a beer. Friday!) you can do so via kofi, here. ko-fi.com/garius

I live in Walthamstow so I'll get it from Wild Card Brewery, because its good beer AND it would piss Deathcruzer off.