Thread by @jamesmb

The person behind me in this restaurant is on what I am guessing is very much a first, and soon to be last, date.

He started off by explaining how one of his friends "really should just die. No, I mean it. We've all had enough now. He needs to die. He's so annoying."

He's a charmer.

He asked her what sort of music she likes. Before she got to breathe, he launched into his love for Justin Bieber's back catalogue.

She never answered.

We are currently on the places he had visited. He asked her when she had been. She didn't get to answer.

He then reeled off a list of places before saying he'd not been to any of THEM. But he has been to India.

He loved India. Great culture. The premier culture. It never weirds you out. Taiwan though - they don't give a fucking shit. India is great. India is also great for overt racism. They don't have to hide it.

I'm thinking of staging an intervention.

He did not want to get drugs in Taiwan. But he did anyway.

He is currently loudly replaying his drug price negotiation. Includes an outstanding caricature Asian accent for the dealers.

Hey, Dublin! He's heading your way soon! 👍

I can't tell where this was but...

"...and we were in the bus and these cops or whatever came in demanding our passports - they couldn't speak a fucking word of English - and I'm like 'I'm an American citizen dammit' but they wanted to fucking see it anyway..."

Mystery solved - it was Taiwan.

He's now on to France. Or "this shithole" as he describes it.

"Fucking hole. I can't tell you how much I want to leave. I can't wait to go to Dublin."

I wonder if this is an elaborate plot to find people to help him pack and deliver him to the airport.

I really like China. The way I see it, those guys are hyper organised. I like that. I like rules and regulations. Nobody else does that. They like do stuff and then it's like and they're not making changes, they're just making changes & I'm like why are you making fucking changes

We may have one of the Trump family in the vicinity!!

It's taken a strange turn. He's segued into mermaids.

She still hasn't spoken.

NEWSFLASH

He just ended a story with "We're all gonna die hahaha!" and she's excused herself to go to the toilet. She has a French accent.

Sadly, there's one toilet in here and it has no escape window.

More soon!

EPIC POWER PLAY!

She returns and, as she is sitting down, "So did you see the terrorist thing?"

... something... something... something... My brother's really left wing which is odd but I'm trying to convince him to vote for Bernie because he'd be the worst against Trump...

Seriously. Should I call the authorities?

***BOOOOOOM***

"I'm really sorry but I'm not feeling well..."

He's disappointed but he wants to finish his story about how it's not fair if you're racist that people call you racist. (No, seriously)

She's going for the coat!! ❤️

That was really fun, he says.

Probably not for her.

Should we do this again?

Well, let's see. I don't feel good right now but I'll give you a call.

That'd be great. I look forward to it.

BRUTAL!

He went to pay but there was a pause to let her offer to pay half.

The pause ended and he paid.

Went outside. He went to kiss her cheek. She shook his hand.

😂

This is how Romeo and Juliet would have ended if Shakespeare wasn't so pretentious.

They've gone their separate ways.

I hope you enjoyed tonight's moving love story!

PLOT TWIST!

Just seen the woman in question on the same metro platform as me. She was smiling and giggling and talking to someone on the phone.

"Catastrophe !"

She's going to meet the person on the phone for a drink.

She seems not to be ill any more.

Fin.