Thread by @DrSamiSchalk

Hi friends. I’m sharing a difficult #thread that begins in the next tweet. Please be thoughtful about whether you’re in a place to read it. I know many of us are overwhelmed right now. Content warning: death, death preparations, mourning/grief, illness

My grandpa died yesterday suddenly. His death was not COVID related, but the pandemic is obviously still shaping what is & is not possible for grieving & mourning right now. My family in KY hoping for a burial Saturday with only my grandma & her children. We’ll see.

I obviously can’t attend both because of the number limit on gatherings & because doing so would require plane travel or a 9 hour drive. While I am not super close to my extended family, not being able to go home to comfort & support my mom is really hurting my heart. 💔

Since I found out I have been processing aggressively with friends (trying to get in an urgent therapy session), particularly about the need to adapt our mourning practices as more & more folks die, not just from COVID but from all the other things people still die from.

People are still dying. But none of us are allowed to grieve with loved ones as we typically would. No one can hug me. No one can hold my hand through this. There will be no large family gatherings to eat & celebrate a long life. Not now. Not for a long time.

Earlier this week I processed in therapy the fact that I am prepared to die alone in this. I accepted it. But I had not yet begun to think about what all these deaths will mean for those left behind. How long before most of us are mourning in isolation? Grief will touch us all.

We will need creative, collective mourning rituals soon. Most will not be able to hold individual funeral services. Those that do risk entire families getting sick & dying. The more folks not yet touched by this can process & accept that, the better. We need new ways of grieving.

I’ve said this before but everyone needs to have an illness & death plan right now. No matter how old/healthy you are. These are the questions I’m encouraging family & friends to answer:

- If you begin to show symptoms: Who is already potentially exposed outside of your household who needs to be informed? (Anyone you’ve had close contact with in the past 2 weeks)

-Who is already likely exposed within your household? How can you quarantine within your home? Can you or other household members go elsewhere to quarantine for 2 weeks?
- While quarantined, how will you communicate needs?

- Who can bring food & supplies? Who has keys to your home?
- Who can provide physical care if needed?
- Do you have access to masks and gloves? Other sanitizing items?
-Who will care for your children, pets or plants? For how long? In case of death?

- How will you determine when to go to a hospital? What items should be in a hospital go-bag if your health takes a sudden turn?
- Who should be notified if you go to the hospital?
- Do you have a living will? Who is your power of attorney & medical power of attorney?

- Do you have a list of your bills and bank accounts (with passwords) people would need to access for you?
-Do you have wishes for when life support should be removed?
-Do you have wishes for how your body should be handled after death? (Burial, cremation, etc)

Talk about these questions with adults in your network, family & friends, in case your family members are already sick by the time you get sick. Keep records of your answers & let people know where hard copies are in your home.

This shit is scary AF but preparedness can only make this scary shit a little easier. And if you never get sick, what a gift. But mostly likely at least one person you love will get sick & having a plan will help.

For now I’m going to figure out what mourning looks like for me. Typically if I was headed back to KY I would get off social media but I don’t actually know if that’s the right choice for me right now. It’s one of the few ways I feel connected to the world.

We are living, dying & mourning in a surreal moment, my friends. Please be patient with & non-judgmental about how people are handling their grief. This is new & hard for everyone so sharing our practices & learning as best we can in real time is all we can do.