A guitar strums. We hear a woman's voice. It's Jennifer Hudson! Singing "I'll Fight" from RBG.
But where is she?
The stage suddenly transforms from a giant anus...
A beautiful vagina.
JHud emerges from the vagina! Belting the song!
Melissa McCarthy gasps, as she realizes what's happening. Glenn Close stands, reverently. Other follow her example as we finally see --
An IN MEMORIAM film is shown. Not of people who died in previous year. No, this montage honors everyone who’s ever been glaringly omitted from past IN MEMORIAMs.
TAYLOR: “We’re now moving into the 5th hour of our show. You know what we could have used? FILM EDITORS.”
The women appear in a pre-taped segment, recreating their mahjong scene from Crazy Rich Asians but with new dialogue about the Best Film Editing nominees.
Words flash across the screens:
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ART?
HOW MUCH SHOULD WE VALUE AWARDS?
WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR COOKIE WARMED UP?
Until finally —
we see what they’re trying to reach.
Floating in the air—
Towards the top of the rake—
The winner of Best Casting.
“Everything you’re feeling is appropriate,” Taylor Mac says, then sings Patti Smith’s Birdland.
Glenn Close stands on the arms of her seat, cradling a dozen air-filled phalluses. She bites one.
She bites another. And another. And another.
“Fuck the patriarchy,” she exhales.
Charlize Theron puts her hand on his shoulder. “Sit down, Christian,” she says. “This isn’t your moment.”
Heads turn. Ludwig Goransson recognizes the beat first. He stands and cheers, as —
A high school marching band enters: 97 black teenagers, playing an enthusiastic & rousing version of “All the Stars” from Black Panther.
TAYLOR MAC: “How about we give out another Oscar?”
“O, O, Olivia,” Rachel says. “Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty.”
Olivia smiles: “You enchant me with Shakespeare?”
OLIVIA COLMAN: “Quite the opposite. I beg you to continue.”
RW: “I’ll be Viola? And you’ll be—“
OC: “Olivia, of course. I’m always Olivia.”
O for this moment never to end! thinks Rachel.
“I don’t want it to end either” says Olivia.
“Did I say that out loud?” asks Rachel.
“No” says Olivia.
Rachel’s heart bursts
Rachel Weisz breaks Olivia Colman’s stare & they’re back in the Dolby Theatre, with a sigh. Emma Stone chatters at them from the 4th row: “I LOVE him, I mean judy, or *whatever* his pronoun is.”
TAYLOR MAC: “To present the award for Best Original Screenplay — in a special nod to Roma — please welcome...
...all of your live-in housekeepers!”
HUNDREDS OF WOMEN FILL THE STAGE.
MAC: “Make room, people!” Anne Hathaway is the first to give up her seat. Several people follow. But not enough of them. “I’m talking to YOU, Nick Vallelonga!”
On stage, Taylor Mac is singing a medley of “songs that were popular among radical lesbians in the ‘90s.”
Like clowns emerging from a whimsical car -- or creatures coming forth from a primordial stew -- two more figures climb out of Tilda Swinton's head... It's...
And Scarlett Johansson!
[Taylor Mac feeds Matt Damon to the giant anus.]
"Can you believe we've been at the Academy Awards for ten days?" Regina asks.
"I'd stay here for ten months," Richard says. "Never let it end."
"It might not," Laura says.
"They're doing an IN MEMORIAM for Straight White Men and Taylor Mac's singing Even Flow. Come on, come on!" They follow a giddy Vedder back into the theater.
TAYLOR MAC: “And now, to present the award for Best Sound Editing...Camille Paglia!”
Gay activists fill the stage & recreate the riot at Stonewall.
In the audience, Harrison Ford holds a sign that reads “Marsha threw first.”
TAYLOR MAC: “Every year at the Oscars, we like to celebrate the glory of film. Please enjoy this montage of cis heterosexual actors playing queer and trans characters.”
The montage is seven hours long.
Every out LQBTQ actor in Hollywood comes out onto the stage and does the final kick line from A Chorus Line.
NUMBER 1: Richard E. Grant & Barbra Streisand finally met each other.
NUMBER 2: Dana Carvey is napping on an inflated penis.
NUMBER 3: Willem Dafoe is on-stage in character as Van Gogh, painting Starry Night onto Taylor Mac's bare torso, while Mac sings Satisfied from Hamilton with the entire cast of Black Panther.
Greta Gerwig runs across the stage! She stage-dives into the crowd, then encourages other current & former nominees who’ve never won an #Oscar to run with her!
“This is supposed to be fun,” she joy-screams! “Get out of your seats!”
🎵Never gonna fall for (Modern Love)
Honorary #Oscar winner from 2015 Spike Lee cartwheels down his row.
🎵Walks beside me (Modern Love)
Amy Adams throws off her Louboutins and chases Greta Gerwig!
🎵Walks on by (Modern Love)
Tom Cruise runs through the theater so fast no one even sees him.
🎵Gets me to the church on tiiiime
Oh wow, it’s...
IT’S KATHARINE HEPBURN, RISING FROM THE DEAD, TO PRESENT ANOTHER AWARD. This time, covered in dirt like she intended.
Taylor falls back into the tub, then shoots out through the giant anus on stage & soars above the crowd.
The tulle undulates. Someone else is emerging.
It’s Billy Porter, in a gorgeous velvet tuxedo gown.
“I’m your host now,” Billy Porter says. #Oscars
To prove his point, all of tonight’s male nominees appear behind him, now decked out in their own unique @CSiriano gowns.