Ok, lots of great people are live tweeting Zuckerberg's second day of testimony. Here's a parody version.
*puts libel lawyer on speed dial*
*puts libel lawyer on speed dial*
Somebody gives Zuckerberg a baby to autograph. He absent-mindedly bites a chunk of her cheek. "I'll have what he's having!" cries a senator.
"My intern is a friend on Facebook," says a Congressman. "How can I zoom in on her holiday bikini photos?" Zuckerberg gives a demo.
Zuckerberg admits that Cambridge Analytica caused Brexit. "I would hold the referendum again if I were British," he says.
Only kidding!
Only kidding!
A Senator points out that surveillance capitalism is incompatible with privacy and democracy. Zuckerberg turns her off and on again.
Zuckerberg reenacts the coda of "The Social Network" with a vengeful twist, by repeatedly refreshing the screen to see which Facebook staff members accept his friend requests. Anyone who doesn't accept will be fired. Senators applaud.
"How can we get filth and perversion off the Internets?" asks an angry GOP senator. Zuckerberg displays the senator's browsing history. He goes quiet.
A Congressman says that Facebook's business model will be crippled if the GDPR is fully enforced. "I find your lack of faith disturbing" says Zuckerberg. The Congressman starts choking.
"We're not a monopoly," says Zuckerberg, in a video simultaneously sent to all users of Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp and Messenger.
"Facebook doesn't track you" he says, in a reassuring message sent to TV screens, tablets, mobile phones and baby monitors worldwide.
"Facebook doesn't track you" he says, in a reassuring message sent to TV screens, tablets, mobile phones and baby monitors worldwide.
"Let's cut the crap" says Senator Dodgy. "Will you double your campaign donations if I don't ask you anything at all?"
"Sure" says Zuckerberg. A minion hands over a briefcase full of unmarked bills to the Senator.
"Sure" says Zuckerberg. A minion hands over a briefcase full of unmarked bills to the Senator.
Senator: "Does Facebook have anything to do with companies and campaigns that allegedly break electoral or data protection law?"
Zuckerberg: "Other than shared staff, zillion-dollar contracts, and people on the Facebook board, absolutely nothing".
Zuckerberg: "Other than shared staff, zillion-dollar contracts, and people on the Facebook board, absolutely nothing".
Ok that's all. Follow @profcarroll @RVAwonk and @carolecadwalla and others for the actual testimony, which is *completely* different from the tweets above.
