If you're going to pull a move like this, then it's fair game for me to download the script and live tweet my reactions to it as I read it today.
Just to be clear, I've downloaded it. I'm reading it. I'm live tweeting my reactions to it.
Starting this right at 6pm pacific. I am pouring Johnnie Walker for this.
I'm not going into it to be mean about it, btw. I'm going to tweet any significant reaction I have, positive or negative. If it's great, then good on the writer. If it's not, then... I mean... you put up a fucking billboard saying I should read it.
Oh boy. 
It begins with a profound quote from The Threepenny Opera. Okay.
One character ends his line with "bro". Another character's first word in his reply is "brah". Because they're surfers, you see. Otherwise, it would be too subtle.
Sorry, was distracted by HQ Trivia. I'm only on page three and this already makes no goddamn sense.
You know how PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE has Bela Lugosi get that really weird sequence all to himself, steps out of frame, dies, and then the audience suffers whiplash from going from house to freeze frame to ambulance to-- you get me. Yeah, that just happened here.
The only character note we get as we're introduced to the dead dude's wife is that she's pretty. At least it doesn't say "pretty but doesn't know it". It's Hawaii, brah, of course she knows it.
Oh. Van's their kid. The dad died on page two from what is apparently a shark attack and the mother just plowed her car into shit on page 3. I'm only on page 3 because I'm confused. Van's their kid. This is not about a shark named Van.
Okay so both parents are dead by page 4 and the kid is saved from the car crash. Where is the fucking shark? The billboards (plural) promised me a shark. Fuck, there are three billboards promoting this. THREE BILLBOARDS. I should've known it was a harbinger.
It's not good if you confuse your reader to the point where they have to reread scenes because you think you've set something up that you really haven't. It's only when I get 3 pages past something that there's clarity to a previous moment. And all it does it just piss me off.
BTW, there's a "FOURTEEN YEARS LATER" cut after murdering the kid's entire family in fewer pages than was spent having the kid get a new puppy from his joint-smoking aunt in a scene that went nowhere. So the puppy is Van's best friend? WHERE IS THE FUCKING SHARK WE WERE PROMISED?
Yeah, this is gonna be about the kid, now 17, as his 14 year old dog is his best friend and it's going to try and make us connect with them bonding as one starts his life as the other ends and oh the aunt is now a cocaine addict.
ok sure
Van has a lisp he's recovering from. Why? Because we were told in action description that he almost bit his tongue off from that accident. He uses sign language briefly with his aunt before talking out loud. The aunt says she hardly notices the lisp anymore. ...What's the point?
So far, this is nothing but telling and not showing. And everything it tries to show it shows clumsily. Was this a first draft? Please tell me this writer did not blast himself to Hollywood on fucking billboards with a first draft.
Oh hey, Van just won some big surfing thing he was really eager to get to. Do we see it? No. We see him holding the trophy though. I feel like this script will be nothing but the Monty Python joke "WOW, WHAT A MIRACULOUS ESCAPE" ad nauseam.
Reminder: father died on page 2, mother died on page 4, and on page 10 we are being set up the obvious beats of the dog dying. This is not dramatic. Nothing about this is dramatic.
If this script is not legit and is trying to pull something akin to what @BittrScrptReadr and I pulled without any of us realizing it, I will be extremely happy. Because it will be the start of this having life.
The fucking dog is dead. On page 12. By Van walking in the door and saying "I had to put Mack down." That's it.
That being said, as piss-poor as the handling of it is, I'm at least surprised. It wasn't dragged out into something manipulative. It was just started and ended in four seconds and meant nothing.
Now Van's coked-up substance abuser aunt has a scumbag living with her and there was a 2 page scene of him being scumbaggy telling Van he would've killed the dog for free and Van took his knife and held it to scumbag's throat and then this moment happens. I report, you decide.
I need to just start skimming.
Oh. I clearly needed to screenshot what followed. Here it is.
That is what happened directly after Van leaving the kitchen. We cut back to it after a comic beat of ball throwing (?) to the aunt suddenly holding up a gun, threatening scumbag. Cut back to Van prepping to leave. Cut back to aunt casually putting gun down and looking at mail.
Nothing has purpose. No one has definition or motivation. There is no story. Nothing is happening. Unless this is a vague attempt to be BOYHOOD, in which case everything about what made BOYHOOD great is being ignored.
By the way, I feel like offering to the world one of the very first scripts I ever wrote after I finish this live tweet as a form of penance. If you want to look at it and laugh hysterically at its awfulness, I beg of you to do so.
Van: "I had to put my dog to sleep. My only real friend in the whole world."
Brah, it's page 16 of 129. You're full of shit and so is this.
Brah, it's page 16 of 129. You're full of shit and so is this.
OMG WE WERE JUST TOLD THE SCUMBAG HAS A SHITTY FISHING VOTE WITH TWO LARGE SHARK JAWS HANGING FROM EITHER SIDE, DOES THIS MEAN WE'RE GETTING TO THE SHARK SOON
THERE'S A SHARK, THERE'S FINALLY A SHARK, WE HAVE A SHARK oh it's dead already.
You guys. The scumbag's name is Jack Sheppard. And they're in Hawaii. The writer likes Lost.
Jack Scumbag is buying a new knife (with which to hunt Van down?) and this is the action beat. SO WHO IS VAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Yeah, I'm definitely skimming at this point.
This can't be real. It just can't be. It can't be.
Van just scattered his dog's ashes into the ocean. Shortly thereafter, a massive bolt of lighting strikes the ocean. And a great white shark is hit by it. His dog is being reincarnated into the fucking great white shark.
Oh and now Jack Scumbag is going to try to kill Van before his 18th birthday so he can get the inheritance. DOES THIS MEAN MACK THE WONDER SHARK WILL EAT JACK SCUMBAG IN ACT 3???
Time to introduce Van's love interest. I defy you to find any sexualization in this.
uh huh
HOLY SHIT SOMETHING WAS DONE RIGHT
what the actual chicken fried fuck
After that, there are, like, 5 pages of Tatiana and Van literally talking only asking each other about their families and what they do. Then this happens.
THEIR FUCK FEST WAS INTERRUPTED BY MACK THE WONDER SHARK GETTING CAUGHT IN THEIR HUGE FISHING NET, VAN AND HIS SHARK DOG ARE REUNITED
WE HAVE CONFIRMED EYE CONTACT WITH THE SHARK DOG
He tells the shark to keep its tail on (OMG THE CALLBACK) and THE SHARK WAGS ITS FUCKING TAIL FIN.
LIKE A WET TACO
Van lives in Hawaii and had to be told that this was a great white shark, because he has no idea what one looks like. Shark Dog is displeased with his ignorance.
MACK THE SHARK DOG IS OFFICIAL
Oh, that above line happened after 5 pages of Van trying to bond with shark dog with food while it's in a tank. So it's like THE SHAPE OF WATER except fucking stupid.
Kinda wondering what's going on with that absolutely useless B story with Jack Scumbag wanting to kill Van for his inheritance money. That needs to stay active in this story, or else we won't care when shark dog eats him.
WE HAVE CONFIRMED FETCHING OF THE RED BALL BY SHARK DOG
WE HAVE CONFIRMED ROLLING OVER ONTO ITS BELLY TO BE SCRATCHED BY SHARK DOG
Literally nothing set this up. There's that whiplash again.
He's giving shark dog the fucking red ball to take with him out into the ocean to remind shark dog of their journeys together WHERE THE FUCK IS SHARK DOG GOING TO KEEP THE BALL
Oh. We're back to the B story. We're introduced to Jack Scumbag's mother. Her house is a brothel (because the slugline said so). This is what followed immediately after that slugline.
Oh my god. Jack Scumbag's mother runs a brothel. She just got beaten by a john and all her profits stolen. Jack now at her bedside, weeping for her. This is how this fucking bullshit script is about to give Jack sympathetic motivation TO KILL VAN FOR HIS INHERITANCE.
(oh, Van released Shark Dog into the ocean when the others were trying to euthanize him, YOU CANNOT KILL SHARK DOG, SHARK DOG IS RULER OF US ALL, PRAISE BE TO SHARK DOG)
SENSING VAN IS IN DANGER AND UNABLE TO HELP HIM, SHARK DOG THRASHES ABOUT WILDLY BECAUSE SHARK DOG IS OMNISCIENT
Don't be alarmed, everyone, but I still have 49 pages to go. I'm only on page 80. I'M SPEED READING NOW, I SWEAR.
RANDOM KELLY SLATER CAMEO CONFIRMED
Kelly Slater literally shows up to say hi, bless Van with a pat on the head (basically) and let the kid borrow his surfboard. Then he leaves. This writer is so banking on Kelly Slater attaching and bringing in those sweet sweet financiers.
"You have a singular wit, doctor."
She just threw up in one of Jack Scumbag's shirts because subtext or something.
CAN CONFIRM SHARK DOG BREACHING FOR ADDED DRAMA
OH MY GOD VAN JUST SICCED SHARK DOG ON A SURFER BULLY WHO WAS GIVING HIM GRIEF AND IT WAS CUED BY THE RED BALL BOUNCING PAST VAN
AND THE SURFER BULLY'S NAME IS JAWS
THIS IS NOT HOW SHARK TRACKING WORKS
There's nothing to tweet about in 10 pages that cover 2 scenes of Van/Jenny and Jack/Jenny talking about everything they've already talked about.
WHAT AN EXCITING WAY TO BREAK INTO ACT 3
Jenny cares so much about Van that she forgets about all the problems the instant Jack whips out a diamond ring (bought from the money stolen by the abusive john after Jack murdered the john). Jenny literally goes from "fuck you, you abusive asshole!" to googly ring eyes.
OH NO, VAN JUST LEARNED THAT HIS DAD DIED IN THAT SHITTY SHARK ATTACK ON PAGE TWO AND NOT IN THE CAR ACCIDENT WITH HIS MOTHER ON PAGE 4, HIS ENTIRE WORLD IS A LIE NOW, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR SHARK DOG
On page 2, just before Van's dad dies, there's a silhouetted man trying to save him. Jack Scumbag now revealed as that silhouetted man. This is not how you build sympathy. This is not good structure. This is not good anything. This is bullshit.
Van learning his dad died because of a shark is literally the impetus for a 4 page dramatic scene where Van pours his heart out to his coke addict aunt that everything he now knows about life is a lie. Really.
FINAL CONFRONTATION IS ANON. Jack Scumbag has lured Van into helping him on his shitty fishing boat in order to kill him for the inheritance money. Van needs a boat to try and track Shark Dog. Coke addict aunt demands to come with and has a pregnancy test with her because 🤷♂️
Jack Scumbag now confessing to coke addict aunt that he's going to kill Van for the inheritance money and how he's got a brilliant plan to cover it up and it's a real shame he shaved off his mustache before proposing to her because he could so twirl the fuck out of it right now.
SHARK DOG IS APPROACHING THE BOAT
Coke addict aunt pulls the gun on Jack Scumbag. The most boring battle for turd supremacy begins.
SHARK DOG RAMMING THE SIDE OF THE BOAT SO MUCH HE THINKS MICHAEL CAINE IS ON IT
WHY ISN'T MACK ATTACK THE NAME OF THIS SCRIPT
This qualifies as literature now.
SHARK DOG LOVES RED BALL. SHARK DOG LOVES VAN. SHARK DOG GOING TO LET VAN RIDE SHARK DOG.
OH MY GOD, COKE ADDICT AUNT JUST BROUGHT UP THE PREGNANCY TEST TO DISTRACT JACK AND THEN CONFESSES HE ISN'T THE FATHER BEFORE STABBING HIM WITH A SHARK JAW
JAWS AND JAWS 4 JUST COMBINED INTO AN UNHOLY MONSTER
RED BALL MAKES ONE FINAL APPEARANCE BEFORE JACK SCUMBAG'S HEAD IS SEVERED AND SPIT ONTO THE BOAT
GOOD BOY, LASSIE
Oh. Apparently, Shark Dog was injured in the epic fight against Jack Scumbag and is going to die. This script kills the dog twice.
KEEP YOUR TAIL ON, SHARK DOG, I BELIEVE IN YOU
Cut to 5 years later. Not kidding. Van voiceover talking about having to say goodbye to Mack 5 years ago. Tatiana is with Van in this scene. No comment about her breasts, so I'm confused why she's here.
THEIR SUDDEN MARRIAGE IS CLEARLY DOOMED, THE DARK CLOUDS ARE PORTENTS
HOLY SHIT, JACK'S OLD MOM WHO RUNS THE BROTHEL IS HIRING HIS FORMER BOAT ASSISTANT TO KILL TATIANA AND ALSO HER BOOBS, THERE ARE ONLY 3 PAGES LEFT
OMFG IF SHE JUST SAID "BECAUSE REASONS" I'D BELIEVE IT MORE
HOLY HOLY SHIT OKAY THAT LAST SCREENSHOT WAS ON THE PENULTIMATE PAGE. THIS IS LITERALLY THE ENTIRE LAST PAGE, DIRECTLY AFTER THAT SCREENSHOT.
SHARK DOG IS REBORN *TWICE*. TAKE THAT, JESUS.
I need a minute.
I'm not going to rate it on the site. I've done more than enough already.
So. As this script did not end with an obvious RickRoll, I think it's safe to say there are a lot of lessons to be learned here.
But the most important one is this.
Do. Not. Blast. Your. Shit. To. The. World. If. You. Are. Not. Ready.
But the most important one is this.
Do. Not. Blast. Your. Shit. To. The. World. If. You. Are. Not. Ready.
The thing is, that was not the worst script I've ever read. Far from it. There are worse (somehow). I have read worse. Many of us have.
But you do not put your bad scripts in the world. They are your learning tools. You write through your shit and find your voice. You read scripts and realize what does and doesn't work. You make friends and share material and learn from each other.
But for the love of Shark Dog, you cannot present your work to the world unless it's ready. If it's not ready, you will just set yourself back. And if you buy three billboards of space (THREE FUCKING BILLBOARDS, FFS) to advertise your work that's not ready, YOU ARE ASKING FOR IT.
And the thing is, I think we all expected this. When a stunt is pulled, our first reaction in town is to roll our collective eyes. Because the glamour of a stunt almost always tries to cover up the stench of a bad product. We want the material to be good. WE WANT IT TO BE GOOD.
Good material speaks for itself. Getting it in front of a pair of eyes is challenging. It's challenging for us all. It's a slog. It takes work. Making friends, forming connections, workshopping your writing with colleagues, queries, mixers, meetings, all of it.
NOT BILLBOARDS.
NOT BILLBOARDS.
(also, how much fucking money do you have to be blowing it on multiple billboards advertising this script and not MAKING YOUR OWN STUFF)
So. Henry C. King. Writer of VAN'S BEST FRIEND. If you have seen any of this and you want to respond to me, I am more than open to talking to you.
And now. As promised. I'm going to share an absolutely terrible script of mine.
This was the second feature I ever wrote. My first was trying to adapt Final Fantasy VI. I called it NODDEGAMRA. Because "armageddon" backwards. Because I thought I was clever when I was 15.
I started the second feature when I was 17. Did some rewriting of it when I was 18. It is bad. It is very, very bad. Somehow, little nuggets of what became my style exist in this. But overall, it's my embarrassment from 2001-2002.
I present to you, from the year 2002, the screenplay SOFTER, written while I was in my freshman year of college.
It is bad.
This is my penance for tonight.
May Shark Dog forgive me.
dropbox.com/s/gag52oso9e3v…
It is bad.
This is my penance for tonight.
May Shark Dog forgive me.
dropbox.com/s/gag52oso9e3v…
This PDF was made a year later, when I decided to do a website for myself on my college's server and put it up there. Why? Only Shark Dog knows.
Everything hurts now. But, as Shark Dog teaches us, from pain comes life.
For clarity, these are some of the tags provided by the writer on the Black List page for this script:
-- Female Protagonist (where?)
-- Halloween (how?)
-- Greek Mythology (what?)
-- Female Protagonist (where?)
-- Halloween (how?)
-- Greek Mythology (what?)
If you enjoyed any of this so far and wish to give generous thanks, I'm literally linking my paypal here because I'm still hustling for new work and this month has been abysmally bad. I'm definitely cheaper than a billboard, though! 👍🏼paypal.me/gobbieboom
But no, seriously, I'm between gigs and still looking quite madly for the next one and I can't believe I'm tweeting my paypal link if anyone wants to be like "hey that was kinda funny, thanks brah" and yet here I am. 😶 paypal.me/gobbieboom
