Thread by @UrsulaV

BUFFALO: Look, I'm not suggesting we do this to random passersby, but something you just need to use other party members as a bludgeoning weapon! #DnD

GM: The door is painted rust.
PARTY: What? We have the paladin smell the door!
GM: ...what are you trying to determine here?
PARTY: RUST IS A WEIRD COLOR FOR A DOOR ALSO WE HAVE TRUST ISSUES OKAY

GM: Fair enough. It's iron paint.
CHEETAH: Are there things in this world that are afraid of iron? Like fae?
CENTIPEDE: I know lots of things are afraid of centipedes.
BUFFALO: If the door was painted with centipedes, you'd be super pissed.
CENTIPEDE: THERE WOULD BE WORDS.

CHEETAH: Hmm. How well sealed is the door? Steel?
BUFFALO AKA STEEL: *headbutts the door* DIE, DOOR
ELEPHANT: What's your beef with doors?
BUFFALO: A door killed my brother.
ELEPHANT: What? How does that work?
BUFFALO: Revolving door. He was slow.

ELEPHANT: Okay, I see why you hate doors.
BUFFALO: We can never go to Sigil.
GM: *choking noises*

The door opens and reveals a group of Flesh Golems!
BUFFALO: *attempts to give them orders*
GM: The golems don't listen. How do you give orders to golems?
FOLKLORIST PARTY MEMBERS: Well, you write it on a slip of paper and put it in their heads...
GM: ...

BUFFALO: *writes "DIE" on a slip of paper* Bird! Take this slip to a golem and shove it in its head!
BIRD: *screams obscenities*
BUFFALO: ...ok. CENTIPEDE, take this slip--
CENTIPEDE: ON IT.

CENTIPEDE: *rolls stealth, dex, acrobatics, and finally ascends the golem* Uh...is there a latch?
GM: No.
BUFFALO: Look for a hole! Is there a hole in its head?
GM: ...there's an ear?
CENTIPEDE: I look in the ear.
GM, HOPELESSLY: There's a lot of wax.

CENTIPEDE: I shove the rolled up slip of paper in its ear! Does its behavior change?
BUFFALO: At a guess, it acts like somebody just shoved a roll of paper in its ear!
GM: ...
BUFFALO: Maybe we should roll to see if any of us actually know how golems work in this world...

ELEPHANT: Golems aren't very bright, are they?
GM: You don't know. They have a rich inner life. At least, if you've given them the order to have a rich inner life.
ELEPHANT: I just think there's a lack of intelligence here.
CENTIPEDE, GLOOMILY: On every side, sadly.

GM: Oh, yeah, I'm making giant constructs, knowing full well that an adventurer's gonna come along and try to shove new orders into its head, so I'm gonna leave the latch right out in the open!

BUFFALO: Are you saying we need to put the paper in a different hole?
GM: I...ah...
BUFFALO: BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHERE I AM WILLING TO SHOVE THIS SLIP OF PAPER ON THAT GOLEM
GM: ...

GM: Are you using an all-out attack?
BUFFALO: Sure, yeah. Dodging is for people with fewer hit points.

BUFFALO, in a fairly complex look-up-the-rules-three-times maneuver, slams a golem into the wall using the iron door as a battering ram.
GM: Err...initiative...
CENTIPEDE: We have initiative?!
BUFFALO: That was a surprise round. We're all surprised it worked.

TOAD HEALER: I use magic to analyze...to...HOW MAKE STOP!?
GM: The most effective way to stop them is to take them apart.
CENTIPEDE: Oh come on! That works on ANYTHING!

CORGI PALADIN: No! Look, we have to try to solve the puzzle!
GM: THIS IS NOT A PUZZLE THEY ARE FLESH GOLEMS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL THEM
BUFFALO: Ok, what if we stab a hole in them and then put in a note saying "This note supersedes all the other notes?"
GM: ...

CORGI: No! We'll put in a note that says "Go forth and do good!"
GM: THEY'RE FLESH GOLEMS THEY'RE STINKY AND--
CORGI: Oh no! They can still do good deeds!
GM: ...
BUFFALO: We'll terrorize the town with flesh golems helping little old ladies across the street!

BUFFALO: C'mon, you know Rooster will take them in.
TOAD: This is the party that insisted we rehome the hellhounds.
GM: *muffled noises of despair*

CENTIPEDE: I stab a hole in the golem! Now I shove the paper in!
GM: ...
CENTIPEDE: Does it look like the instructions take effect?
GM: No!
CENTIPEDE: The instructions said "Die." I do it again.
BUFFALO: Do it often enough and it'll LOOK like it worked!

TOAD: Maybe the instructions are too complicated. Have you considered starting with "Hello, world"?
CENTIPEDE: Initialize the golem!
BUFFALO: REBOOT THE GOLEM
GM: ....my hand seems to have affixed itself to my face.

CHEETAH: I can't figure out how I raise damage on my bow...
BUFFALO, DEADPAN: You're gonna need a bigger bow.
PARTY: *assorted noises of disapproval*

ELEPHANT: *punches golem's head off its shoulders*
GM: The golem's head is now a fine red mist across the room and your companions.
CORGI: I shake myself off!
GM: ...you're gonna roll in that later, aren't you?
CORGI: I mean yeah, probably.