My nana has been single for over 10 years after 3 failed marriages and my grandma has been living her fucking life now that my grandpa is dead.
Me included I guess. I mean, I'm not missing the common factor in all my relationships.
Strap in bc I'm about to tell you my sad fucking cornerstone.
When I was a kid, I had two close friends. We'll call them J and B.
It was only two bc B was VERY possessive of me and rarely let me bring new people around w/o being super rude to them.
But in J she recognized someone she could make fun of me with AND make fun of with me, a winning combination for her abusive ass.
That was my support network growing up and it was brutal. I never felt safe. I never felt like I could be honest or direct.
So that's part of the set up. The other part is that my mom is a hoarder.
She had boxes of magazines from as far back as the 70s and she put everything off until the last minute so when we moved, our boxes were half filled with trash and then never opened again.
Not only that, but she hoarded cats. Every time one cat died, she got two more from a shelter.
And she hated cleaning litter boxes so the cats pissed on everything. Our beds, our laundry, the trash filled boxes she took from every move. It was a nightmare.
And she either didn't know she was the problem or knew we wouldn't know if she gaslighted us enough about it.
It was always, "DO YOUR FRIENDS' HOUSES LOOK LIKE THIS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS?" while she created a hurricane of trash everywhere.
I learned way later that my nana was calling social services on her constantly even though my dad is a sex offender and would definitely not get custody of us if we were taken away from my mom.
When I was 14, we were taken away.
My brother lit a fire while he was home sick, the FD came to put it out, saw the conditions we lived in, and my sister and I were taken out of school by the police and we were all three put into a children's home that was basically a holding area.
We were separated from my brother at the facility and only saw each other during meal times.
We were only there for 3 days while my mom and B's mom cleaned up the house but it was still pretty fucking terrifying.
The apartment became a cat-piss covered trash den within a couple months.
One day there was a knock at the door and I opened it to another social worker.
I was immediately aware that the place was even more of a mess than usual and one of the cats had peed directly behind the front door.
The social worker basically told me we had a couple days to get the place clean and livable or we'd be taken away again, this time for good.
I was a fucking mess. I was panicking.
Mom wasn't helping. My brother was lazy af. I'm pretty sure my sister didn't care if we got taken away bc our parents were abusive af w/her.
I called J and B to help.
B got there first, did a small amount of work, and then sat down to watch movies with everyone else in the house.
J showed up with her boyfriend at the time, peeked her head in, congratulated me on the work I'd done, and said she was going to head to a party.
I was so numb and panicked. I didn't even know how to contradict her and no one else seemed to care what was going to happen to us either.
I just let her go bc I couldn't keep fighting.
Cut to my relationship with S this past year. Me and S and S's other girlfriend V were talking about our various traumas and I started to tell that story.
I'm 30 now and much more capable of standing up for myself so I told S what they had just done.
They were like, Oh, sorry, please tell this story.
I was like, Eh, it's fine. It's not the right time
So I tell this story and it's fucking hard to tell and I'm already so drained.
As soon as I'm done, S says they and V have to take a shower&go somewhere.
I'm just like, SERIOUSLY? You ignore me, then force me to tell a story I don't have it in me to tell,&then leave to fuck???
It becomes unbearable enough for me that I knock on the door and ask them to please stop and I get, "Oh we weren't having sex. We were just fooling around." COOL THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER.
I don't know how to stop being an island bc I don't trust anyone, but my inability to work the last few years has made true independence absolutely impossible.
Like I said, I'm not suicidal anymore but jfc death seems like a real easy solution.
The government will just fuck me around until I'm dead and stop asking for help.
Last night my husband said it was more like when I got into a car accident 6 years ago and couldn't hike with him anymore.
And maybe if it lets me do that, it will cool it on the horrific nightmares it's been tossing at me for the last few days.
Like, does life actually get better or do we just tell ourselves it does?
It's weird being at this point where I don't even want to be talked down anymore. I just want everything to stop being so shitty and painful.