Thread by @ChefShwasty

Right, so, my cat's a fucking psychopath

This is going to be a thread, and this is the start

Anyways, so we got Arwen a toy a while back: amazon.com/OurPets-Play-N…

(hOLY SHIT THAT'S A LONG LINK)

It squeaks at the slightest provocation

(Cont'd...)

Like, it squeaks when you pick it up, squeaks when you throw it, squeaks when it bounces, fucker squeaks when you even look at it funny

It doesn't bother me, because Arwen LOVES it. She's happy, I'm happy. I hear her playing with it at night; makes me smile

But...

Cont'd...

Arwen took it last night, and scampered off with it like a proud little huntress I went to bed, and just as soon as I was about to hit the lights, I hear the fucker short circuit

SQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK

I sprint out to the front room...

Cont'd...

I turn on the lights (she's invisible in the dark) and she's standing above her water dish

Watching the bird drown

I freak out because I don't want her to get shocked, take it, and pat it dry while it's still SHRIEKING

Eventually, it quiets down

However...

I give it back to her, maybe thinking it was just an accident. She's cute, but man is she not smart.

She takes it, walks right over to the water dish, and this time HOLDS THE BIRD DOWN IN THE WATER

I shoo her off, and the CHIRPCHIRPCHIRPCHIRP continues

Only this time...

... I couldn't make it stop

So this damned bird is screaming at me, I'm trying to pat it dry, and Arwen is circling my legs like I just took dinner away from her

I'm doing this for like five minutes, but it won't end, and I'm getting progressively tired

So...

... I do the only humane thing I can do

I grab a hammer and try to put it out of it's misery

And this was not a SMALL hammer. Think XL meat tenderizer

BUT THE FUCKER WILL NOT DIE

It's just chirping seemingly louder and faster, which prompts Arwen to claw my leg...

I drop the hammer on the counter, and pick her up to put her in the bathroom real quick

I close the door (she doesn't need to see this) and the fucking bird is still LOSING IT in the kitchen

I grab the hammer, and give it a blow that Thor himself would high-five me over...

Think "Daisy, Daisy" from 2001: A Space Oddyssey

CHIRPCHIRPCHIRPCHIRPCHIRP CHIRPCHIRPCHIRP CHIRP...

CHIRP...

CH...IR...P

C...H...I...R...P...

...

I set the hammer down, thinking I had won

This bird wasn't fucking through with me yet

I throw it in the trash, and whether it was the impact against an empty bottle of wine or proximity to last week's Indian food...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Just... Maximum overdrive shrieking

This thing is indestructible. I'm losing my patience, right?

I grab it from the trashcan, and open the bathroom door

Arwen had been clawing underneath because she wants to eat the mechanical bird

Now she sees me with it in my hand and decided it's now or never to claim her victory over All Birds™

I've never seen this stout little fucker move this quick in her life

She jumped up on the cabinet in the bathroom, and started knocking EVERYTHING off, including a bottle of Listerine that didn't have the cap on too well

Whether this was her intention or not...

... I slipped

Not hard, and basically just enough to lose my footing

My first instinct is to drop the bird and grab the mouthwash before it empties all over my fucking bath rug

This was her plan

She GRABS the damn bird, and warp-speeds out of the room

So, to recap

The bird is stuck on EEEEEEE, Arwen has disappeared into the night, I might've just sprained an ankle, I'm also losing the opportunity to sleep, and the bathroom floor is minty fresh

Still with me?

Let's continue

I hobble out of the bathroom, using sonar location to locate my cat

Unfortunately, Arwen is not being still

All I hear is little paws and the sound of the damn bird making the rounds in my apartment

EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEE

Finally, I corner her

I shut the door of the back room behind me, and she knows she's caught. She uses the darkness to her advantage for only a moment before I've got both her and bird in hand

I can only imagine what this looked like from the window outside

But one question remained...

The fuck am I gonna do with this bird that's still EEEEEEEEEEE-ing in my face?

Well...

I went back to the bathroom, opened up the toilet, and flushed the motherfucker

I could hear it EEEE all the way down the pipes

I wiped up the Listerine, threw my minty pants in the clothes hamper, and tucked myself into bed

And that, my dear friends, family, on/off again lovers and Jeff...

Is why my cat is a fucking psychopath