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John Bull @garius
, 15 tweets, 4 min read Read on Twitter
MAY: Where are we and who is this?
LIDINGTON: Scotland. Fishermen.
MAY: Christ. We're Tories! Since when do we give a shit about the fishing industry?! It's only good for two things: evacuating beaches and picking fights with Norwegians
LIDINGTON: They're pro-Brexit
MAY: Fucksake
MAY: It just makes no sense. We've been decimating their fishing communities for decades. Why would they back us now?
LIDINGTON: So have Labour
MAY: Ah.
LIDINGTON: The tragedy of desperation is that it brings false hope
MAY: Well that's depressing.
LIDINGTON: Brexit means Brexit
MAY: Did they at least get my rider?
LIDINGTON: Here. M&Ms with all the red ones picked out
MAY: Nice. Who's in charge back home by the way?
LIDINGTON:
MAY: David
LIDINGTON: It had to be someone who couldn't hurt us
MAY: Oh no

<In No.10>

GRAYLING: This is a bloody big office
GRAYLING <spinning chair>: Wheeee! Okay. David left a list. Oooh! Box with buttons!
BOX WITH BUTTONS: Yes sir?
GRAYLING: Blimey! There's a tiny man in it! Do you need help little man in the box?
INTERCOM: It's an intercom sir
GRAYLING: Do you need help little man in the intercom?
MAY: You put GRAYLING in charge?!
LIDINGTON: Literally EVERYONE in Cabinet is plotting against you!
MAY: So's he!
LIDINGTON: Yes! But he's USELESS!
MAY: And now in charge of the country!
LIDINGTON: It's just a week!

<The Kremlin>

AIDE: Grayling is in charge
PUTIN: Take Ukraine
GRAYLING: Sajid! Phil! A tiny man is trapped in this little box!
DAVID: Wha
HAMMOND: Ignore him. Sir, can we go play Fortnite with Ken Clarke?
GRAYLING: Lidington's list says you should do an economic forecast
DAVID: Our REGULAR Prime Minister would let us sir
GRAYLING: Oh. Okay!
MAY: What about Stephen?
LIDINGTON: He's here with us. Plus he's not told his family he's Brexit Minister yet. That left Gove...
MAY: No. He's busy
LIDINGTON: You REALLY think he can persuade MPs to vote for this?
MAY: He's an Eldritch fucking horror David. He has ways and means
<doorbell>

GYIMAH: Hello! Who is... ARRGH!
GOVE: <lich howl>
GYIMAH: Jesus CHRIST Michael
GOVE: gaH. sOrRY. ThE SkIN SuIT SLippeD. wOuLD yOU vOTe wiTH ThE Pm? I bRInG yOU a BOx oF PuPPIes
GYIMAH: CHRIST! They're all DEAD!
GOVE: FuCK! AiRHoles. StuPID MicHAEL! FleSHLiNGs nEEd aIR
REMINDER! This is the latest part of a brexit adventure that starts here:

DOUBLE REMINDER! If you're enjoying these then you can buy me a coffee here. Because Caffeine is my only solace right now! ko-fi.com/garius
CHOPE: And that's why...
GOVE: CaN I jUST SaY that I aM suCH a fAN
CHOPE: Sorry?
GOVE: bLOCkinG tHE upSKirT anD FGM BiLLs? I'm aN UnDEad HoRROr fROm tHe DeMON diMEnsIONs anD tHaT sEEmEd SHiTTy eVEn tO mE
CHOPE: Look, not ALL men...
GOVE: SqUEee! I aM fANboYIng sO hARd riGHT nOW!
BRADLEY: But if I back the deal then how can I look the Northern Irish in the eye?
GOVE: iF yOU DoN'T baCK iT i MaY rIP theM OuT
BRADLEY: What?!
GOVE: NoTHiNG
BRADLEY: Micheal what is happening to your face
GOVE: i'M aTTEmpTING a diSSArmING smILE
BRADLEY: It's... it's not working
KUENSSBERG: Is it true that the PM secured your loyalty via your Steam Wishlist?
GOVE: ThE Pm HaS mY fULL suPPOrt. BuT iF sHE is WatCHINg I nOTe tHAT SuNLESs SkIEs iS OuT soON
KUENSSBERG: Did you give Sam Gyimah a box of dead puppies?
GOVE: ThEY weRe ALiVe unTIL hE OpENed ThE bOX
<an allotment>

GOVE: hELLo jEReMY
CORBYN: Away vile hellspawn! My MPs will not vote for the deal!
GOVE: pERiSH thE thOUgHT
CORBYN: Good
GOVE: tHOugH, OnE dOEs hyPOthETiCALLY wONdER wHAt yOU mIGht neED tO wHIp tHEm tO aBStaIN
CORBYN:
GOVE:
CORBYN:
GOVE: ShALL i PUt tHE KeTTle oN?
Hope you enjoyed today's instalment. Don't forget, the brexit adventure starts here:

And if you're enjoying these then you can buy me a coffee here. Or beer. Mostly it goes on beer to be honest. ko-fi.com/garius
The brexventures continue...
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More from @garius see all

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Okay. So you're all going to have to massively ignore me for a second. Because I am about to fanboy the SHIT out.

And it is about an amazing writer who got a stubborn little kid (me) who is now a writer (still me) to read.
So when I was a kid, I used to love TV, particularly scifi and cartoons. Basically anything with a plot.

But I wasn't big on reading. That was meh.

Then my mum introduced me to Doctor Who novelisations at about age nine. And I DEMOLISHED them. But that was ALL I would read
I think I LOVED the stories, but I was still not that fussed about reading. Because it felt like extra effort. I mean, why not just WATCH them if you can instead?

But then my teacher said: "oh you like Doctor Who. Did you know we have Star Trek books in the school library?"
Read 9 tweets
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JAVID: Welcome to COBRA. I'd like to introduce Sgt Gary, our Gold Commander for the current immigration crisis
SGT GARY: Sir. What's the scale of the problem?
JAVID: 9
SGT GARY: Blimey! 900?
JAVID: No, 9
SGT GARY:
JAVID:
SGT GARY: Are you worried they can't field a full eleven?
JAVID: I think we can agree that this is an immigration crisis of unparalleled proportions. Tough action is called for!
SGT GARY: Are we still talking about NINE people?
JAVID: I have a note here that another four have turned up
SGT GARY: Well at least they have a subs bench now
JAVID: This is a threat to our national security
SGT GARY: 13 desperate people in a dinghy?
JAVID: They're in Folkestone! There's a nuclear power station!
SGT GARY: And also a really nice miniature railway. You think they're after that too?
JAVID: Oh no!
SGT GARY: I was JOKING
Read 9 tweets
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I don't think tea sellers are spotting that game streamers are MASSIVE tea drinkers

Because if you're pulling a 6hr sesh on camera you need hydration that:

1) Tastes nice
2) Isn't beer/coffee

I had to send @BirdandBlendTea to Z because it was PAINFUL watching him drink Liptons
@BirdandBlendTea With my Digital Influencer hat on (the weird embarrassing hat I don't like putting on too much) I do wonder if this is an area micro-sponsorship that no one is leveraging here

We get offered games discount codes for followers all the time. Why aren't we offered the same for tea?
@BirdandBlendTea It's CONSTANTLY being seen (and taste-tested) on screen and is cheap to ship samples of.

@itsZdan LITERALLY has a !tea command so you can see what he's drinking (Which I'm totally stealing!)

Micro-sponsorships fascinate me. They're win-win and we don't think creatively enough.
Read 3 tweets

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#MAGA, Conservatives, Christians, I am about to give you tons of ammo in the form of pure, Christian truth, to smoke Liberal, Commie, Leftists who tell YOU what it is to be Christian. Let's set them straight, once and for all.
All credit due to the late, great Pastor Sheldon Emry: keep this link handy for online and irl comebacks. And give it to your Judaized clergy when they start talking CRAP about immigration, and loving our enemies, and the enemies of Christ.
SHOULD CHRISTIANS LOVE THE WICKED? ia801309.us.archive.org/17/items/Shoul…
Read 214 tweets
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Two recent decisions of the EU should act as a warning of the damage the EU could do if we stay in under the Withdrawal Agreement or by some other device to thwart the result of the People’s vote. johnredwoodsdiary.com/2019/01/01/the…
Whilst the EU has at last recognised that throwing dead fish back into the sea is bad for the fish, for the fishing industry & for the environment, their remedy threatens to bankrupt some small boat businesses by stopping them fishing altogether if there is too much bycatch.
There is also a recent European Court judgement which says that UK payments to secure sufficient electrical power under the capacity scheme are illegal subsidies. The UK had to go this route to comply with all the other power generation and environmental laws from the EU .
Read 3 tweets
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Way overdue to make a thread for the hundred millionaire neoliberal duchess of corporate Democrats void of all ideas except for fundraising to buy the leadership of the house, Nancy Pelosi.
Especially since she has been endorsed by this jagoff to be the leader again, which is what the Republicans want by the way to keep winning in the Midwest. politi.co/2JLRwJi
It could also be that Pelosi said she would handcuff the Democratic agenda by introducing Pay-Go to kill off any progressive legislation that actually helps the many, not the few. interc.pt/2MKWCKx
Read 42 tweets
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Two young soccer players bought their mothers houses. Lovely story, right? Except one is Black and the other is white. Read headlines in British paper and then read Raheem Sterling explain Racism 101.
British tabloids have a history of racism when reporting on Raheem Sterling h/t @SteffanJohn
Raheem Sterling’s Instagram post with contrasting headlines about team-mates Tosin Adarabioyo and Phil Foden buying houses for their mothers followed racist abuse Sterling himself got from Chelsea fans on Saturday google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.…
Read 4 tweets
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Quoting market cap as a success metric for a cryptocurrency implicitly treats it like a company. Which might indeed be the more accurate vantage point. Token transfer verification as a service?
At the risk of angering the zealots, let's have a look at how Bitcoin works as a corporation. Actually, angering the zealots is always fun, so...
Indeed, while Bitcoin-as-a-cryptocurrency is a bit of a clusterfuck, Bitcoin-as-a-corporation is a really really really intriguing proposition.
Read 28 tweets
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So I left #postdoc, and I left #adjunct and went into #industry. There are two things I wish I knew when making this transition, and I hope it may help you...
...I didn’t know what buzzwords to put on my resume to make it reflect, in #industry terms, my skills. For #STEM academics, I’ve learned that a lot of what we do includes systems engineering, and project management...
...now this may be obvious to some of you, esp the E part of #stem, but I didn’t know this. I recommend looking up buzzwords for sys eng and project management...
Read 12 tweets

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