Thread by @blader

I'm at an absurdly over the top 80,000 sqft indoor kids playground called Neobio right now and you guys I'm LOSING it.

Let me show you around. Thread👇

Let's start slow. Here’s some reading rooms with all kinds of children's books, mostly in English, neatly organized on backlit shelves across three rooms.

And tiny slides.

Neat.

There's this huge bouncy air jumper area, which is fine.

Okay first let’s grab a ride downtown.

Whip options are limited exclusively to Porsche, BMW, or uh “police vehicle.”

We’ll drive on pass the fire department, post office, and hospital because this is already going to be a long ass tweet storm and we ain’t got time for this shit.

First stop, let’s fill up our tanks. We can go for your mid century classic fossil fuel station (with working pumps), orrrr ...

... or you could go for the Tesla Supercharger stations 🤔. Which I guess are compatible with Porsches here 🤷‍♀️

Okay now let's do some shopping.

Welcome to the Neobio Supermarket.

We've got baked goods, seafood, and fruits.

All labeled bilingually and by color.

Checking out at the cashier.

We’re running low on that paper,
so let’s head to the bank.

What’s that behind the counter?

It’s a freakin' safe. And it works.

Maybe you need some US dollars stat though.

No worries ...

We’ve also got a currency exchange here, just in case you really need some of those US T-Bills to spend.

Next stop. Time to bring those groceries to the kitchen. We’ve gots a dozen of them stone ovens up in here for them calzones all day baby.

Oh and once we’re done lets go serve them in the cafe. とてもおいしいです!

Speaking of cafes, let’s go have some food that isn’t plastic. Here’s the real cafe where they serve real human food.

Oh and you know what, we thought there might not be enough ballpits or slides everywhere else so let’s just throw more into our cafe because reasons.

But let me assure you, we have a lot of slides and ballpits. Observe.

And not just normal slides either. No no no.

... these are X-Games XXXtreme slides.

This is a no-joke scary ass slide. It's literally a 90 degree vertical ... but for 4 year olds because Chinese kids are hardcore mate.

And the ball pits aren’t normal ball pits either, nope.

They’re augmented reality ball pits, where you throw the balls against the walls and maybe hit other kids on the head for points. I think.

Rounding out the X-Games XXXtreme play area is the zip line and China Ninja Warrior training grounds.

Interlude: these are it. The nicest public restrooms in China.

The sign reads: restroom, breastfeeding room, manicures.

But wait! There’s more!

Here’s the boutique and salon where you can make yourself look fly.

I believe the “K” stands for Kardashian here.

Here’s the music room with a real baby grand for the kids to bang on. The LED lights respond to the sounds in rhythm to the beat.

Or in rhythm to the random banging. Depending.

Here's the water play area.

(with a touchscreen water play area if you don't want to get wet)

... and they have these mini raincoats and mini blow dryers in case you do get wet! Adorbs!

Anyway, adventure is more our bag, so we decided to head over to the spaceship helicopter rocket thing for space stuff.

You can put on your astronaut uniforms, grab a joystick, and try to land your ship without crashing (on the monitor)

Finally, at the very top of these slides, hidden away, we found an opening to a whole floor ... what’s there?

Oh it’s just a whole floor of projection mapped toys for you to play with.

We’ve been here for 8 straight hours and my four year old wants to move in now.

End of thread.