Thread by @raw_em_md

I need to talk about some shit that just went down.

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Ambulance toned out for an infant in cardiopulmonary arrest.

Not known when they were last seen normal.

A fucking infant.

There’s snow on the roads. No helicopters are flying. I don’t have an ICU.

Right now it’s on us.

We got ready:

ET tube
Pads
Defibrillator
IO
Pharmacy
Respiratory
Broselow Tape
BVM
Suction
All the trimmings

They arrive, and EMS pauses compressions to move the child in front of me.

I see a mottled, stiff, and cold infant.

Even in this state he is beautiful.

Fearless, we ran the code.

Twenty minutes later, we called it.

It was just quiet.

Then family arrived.

I stood beside a giant father towering over the still body of a beautiful infant.

Room empty, time called, he anxiously cooed his son to wake up while the mother shrieked and bargained with god for his life.

My very next patient was in his early 30’s, no flu shot, cough and feeling unwell asking for a work note.

I took 5 minutes.

Cried in the bathroom.

Washed up.

Stethoscope on my neck and walked in to see him.

I will never forget the sound of that mother’s voice...

SCREAMING

“i won’t get tired no more... please... i fell asleep for one minute”

We are all haunted by moments like this...

Right now my ER is quiet.

The boisterous mood of the new year is gone.

We are all hollowed out solemn faces going through the motions for today.

Some of us will drink or party this away.

Some of us will hold our children a little closer.

Maybe we’ll thank our parents a little more.

Perhaps we’ll spill our feelings onto a creative medium

We’ll all do SOMETHING to get over this moment.

But will any of us really heal?

I don’t know.

I don’t think so.

I feel like we’ll try, but this moment might just push us the other way.

We might drink one too many

We might shelter our children

What if we cling to our parents too desperately

Or maybe we’ll make ourselves vulnerable through open sharing.

I think we need help in this field.

We need help with coping, therapy, debriefing, counseling, and treatment for PTSD.

I know I’m not the only one here who’s gone through this.

#EmergencyMedicine #ERDoc #RawEM #MedTwitter #thosewecarry #coping

How do you cope?

UPDATE:

I am humbled and overwhelmed by the concern and kindness from all of you. I’m having a lot of difficulty keeping up but trying to respond to everyone, including those that DM’ed me. You guys are amazing. Thank you so much!

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What I Did to Cope:

I wrote, I read, and I loved my family.

If any formal writing comes out of this, I will share with all of you.

Also, I will probably establish myself with a professional that I can rely on for a periodic debrief and to be there in times of crisis.

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