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John Bull
@garius
, 6 tweets, 2 min read Read on Twitter
LIDINGTON: People are gathering
MAY: I think this could be my Churchill moment
HAMMOND: Because you're also about to fuck over an awful lot of Poles?
MAY: Hey!
HAMMOND: Sorry, but the moment you began just doing these to announce what you'd had for lunch, they lost their impact
HAMMOND: I mean what are you even going to announce?
MAY: That I have consulted and taken everyone's opinions on board
HAMMOND: And?
MAY:
EVERYONE:
MAY: And that I'm changing the font
LIDINGTON: Oh my god
STEPHEN: We're going to get lynched
MAY: I think we should have another go at renegotiating the backstop
LIDINGTON: Why?!
MAY: I've got a good feeling about it this time
HAMMOND: You can't keep changing Brexit secretaries until you find one Barnier likes!
STEPHEN: Hey!
HAMMOND: Sorry but...
STEPHEN: No you're right
MAY: Look the last time we saw Barnier he almost signed off on it
HAMMOND: Really?!
STEPHEN: um...
~~

<le Tesco>

CASHIER: Votre signature s'il vous plait monsieur
BARNIER: Bien sur... Sacré bleu! C'est Theresa May dans un moustache!
MAY: SHIT! RUN STEPHEN!

~~

STEPHEN: Kinda?
MAY: I just think we can get a deal on the backstop
HAMMOND: Oh my God! What was that Einstein quote? "Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result"
STEPHEN: Actually there's no evidence he said that
HAMMOND: Oh NOW you give a shit about facts?!
EDITOR'S NOTE: If anything happens later I'll live update this. But let's be honest it probably won't. #groundhogday

Meanwhile, the last Brexit Adventure is here:



And if you want to start RIGHT at the beginning that's here:

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More from @garius see all

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John Bull
@garius
MAY: Meet people?!
LIDINGTON: Yes
MAY: But it'll be like a shit parents evening. "Mrs Rees-Mogg, your child keeps wetting himself in class"
LIDINGTON: We need to form bridges. I'll help you.
GOVE: aCTUally I wAS thINKing iT sHouLD bE StePHEn
LIDINGTON: What?!
STEPHEN: Yes, what?!
MAY: You think Stephen, not David, for these meetings?
GOVE: hE Is BrEXiT mINiSTEr
STEPHEN: Oh God don't remind me
MAY: But David is good at the human thing!
GOVE: dO yOU tRUst mE?
MAY:
LIDINGTON: This is a bad idea
GOVE: I gAVe a LOveLY speECH abOUT yOU
MAY:
GOVE:
MAY: Fine
LIDINGTON: She'll be in there alone with actual humans
GOVE: tRUsT mE
LIDINGTON: Her backup is the Brexit Minister, the Tory version of a Red Shirt
GOVE: wE dO thIS foR HeR. HaVe I EvER LiED tO YoU?
LIDINGTON:
GOVE: rEcENTLy
LIDINGTON:
GOVE: In ThE LaST weeK
LIDINGTON: Okay no
Read 15 tweets
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John Bull
@garius
HAMMOND: Dave
LIDINGTON: Phil
HAMMOND: Where's Theresa?
LIDINGTON: Still in 'Spoons
GRAYLING: Hello!
GOVE: <banshee wail>
HAMMOND: Jesus CHRIST
LIDINGTON: Your filter's off
GOVE: sORRy BetTER?
HAMMOND: Showtime chaps...
GRAYLING: To war!

<crash>

HAMMOND: That's a cupboard Chris
GOVE: oKAy. PAtcHINg yOU iN tO aN ELDriCH tHInkSPacE. ChECk iN
LIDINGTON: Here
HAMMOND: Yo
MAY: Here
GRAYLING: Cause we got a little convoy
MAY: Chris
GRAYLING: Rockin' through the night.
MAY: CHRIS
GRAYLING: What
MAY: We can all hear you
GRAYLING: Sorry
HAMMOND: Shh! Mufasa's up
HAMMOND: What's Mufasa saying?
LIDINGTON: Something about airlocks
HAMMOND: I don't know I think it's a metaphor
LIDINGTON: For what?
HAMMOND: To be honest I don't think he knows. He's just stuck down that path now and is trying to wing it out.
GOVE: SouNDS fAMiLIar
MAY: Hey
Read 34 tweets
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John Bull
@garius
MCDONNELL: What's he saying?
STARMER: Something about 'a sensible Brexit'
MCDONNELL: People don't want a sensible Brexit Keir. They want one with Spitfires that shoot longbows at Frenchmen
STARMER: Everyone is cheering. Someone is touching him
MCDONNELL: That'll cure her Scrofula
STARMER: What IS a 'sensible Brexit' anyway?
MCDONNELL: I don't know Keir. Maybe one where everyone queues nicely for their bread ration
STARMER: Immigrants will be allowed in as long as they're in business casual
MCDONNELL: I mean, that would still work better than Javid's plan
STARMER: Shit!
MCDONNELL: What?
STARMER: He meant General Election! I was hinting at 2nd ref in the chamber
MCDONNELL: Didn't he give you guidance?!
STARMER: I asked! He gave me this
MCDONNELL: That's nice that
STARMER: It's Eva from Overwatch
MCDONNELL: The shading is excellent
Read 6 tweets

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People aren’t racist because they lack education or intelligence. They’re racist because being racist makes them feel good. The solution is not education but to make racism so socially unacceptable and harshly punished that being racist makes your life fucking miserable.
That’s why it’s important to come down hard on these MAGA kids. People are always trying to give whites racists the opportunity to change and nonwhite victims the obligation of forgiving. Fuck that. Let the racists make their own opportunities for growth and redemption.
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This #GallOfBitterness being dished out in this video by this man is not the representation of the Church, please let it be clear that this man's hatred and BIGOTRY was what's leading him. This does not represent #Christianity:

And Rev Canon from the South East with his heart of BIGOTRY still went ahead to dish out his #BIGOTRY to these hearts just because of his hatred for Buhari.
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Now even the educated folks & religious leaders joined him in his #GallOfBitterness
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Uncle Stephen
@ItsUncleStephen
People read my work and while laughing they make comments like “Steve you’re crazy. I swear you don mad”

And I’ve thought about it.

Can I really be mad?

Do I have what it takes to be a good mad man? I think not.

Here’s a few reasons why.

Brethren,
Issa thread
In the next few tweets I shall present 4 reasons why just Incase via your comments, (jokingly as they may be) village people decide to step it up a notch, having purchased new mirrors, in a bid to make me mad, it would never succeed. I lack certain qualities required to be mad.
1. I CAN’T RUN

We all know that if there was to be a university of madness, one of their requirements for admission won’t be an A in maths and English. No fam it won’t.

It’ll be can you run? Why you ask?

Mad man they cannot Pursue people is that one mad man?
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Watchdog
@twitmiser
#InternationalFightAgainstBribery
Our Leaders #CorruptionTrail:

Emailed from a friend:
***
A timeline compilation!

Information every thinking American should clearly understand: Foxes in the Demo Hen House exposed....
From 2001 to 2005 there was an ongoing investigation into the Clinton Foundation. A Grand Jury had been impaneled.
Governments from around the world had donated to the “Charity”. Yet, from 2001 to 2003 none of those “Donations” to the Clinton Foundation were declared. Hmmm, now you would think that an honest investigator would be able to figure this out.
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Mark Grondin
@SpectrumPulse
I feel like driving up some controversy, so how about a thread of Hot Takes/Unpopular Opinions! You know the drill, one like = one take/opinion.

Start easy: the blunt awkwardness/cringe of 'Blurryface' is the point of taking the piss out of Tyler. I stand by my light 9/10.
2. I don't hate Nickelback's 'Dark Horse' - it's easily a record for them at their most tasteless, but the frat-bro swagger of it helps some of their better hooks.
3. 'Fireflies' by Owl City is a genuinely terrific song that captures precocious, starry-eyed wonderment better than few others in the 2000s.

It is SPECTACULARLY lame, but that's why it works.
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Milena
@elmyra
Hey so who's been watching the winter Olympics and wants me to talk about docile, socially constructed bodies and why no women figure skaters do quad jumps, and women snowboarders only get 3m of amplitude on the half pipe while the men get 5m? Cos in gonna, in a bit.
Alright, let's do this. Here's a lovely introduction to the postmodernists from @existentialcoms: existentialcomics.com/comic/224

One of the big ideas in postmodern thought is the everything is socially constructed. Which is something a lot of people struggle with.
Because I'm a solid, physical body, sitting on a solid, physical sofa, in a solid, physical house. Nothing about that can possibly be socially constructed, right?

So let's see how something as solid and physical and intimate as your body is socially constructed.
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