Thread by @UrsulaV

It's D&D Night, as we grapple with Yet Another Set of Rules.
GM: You take 11 piercing damage.
BUFFALO: I am resistant to bludgeoning, slashing, and piercing damage!
CHEETAH: So you're just resistant to DAMAGE, then?
GM: There's still fire.
BUFFALO: There's ALWAYS fire.

BUFFALO: I Rage. Then I Frenzy. Then I hit the ghoul.
GM: He is dead.
BUFFALO: I walk up behind the lich.
GM: The lich says "You're in my personal space."
BUFFALO: I'm raging and frenzied. I chew on my shield and snort.
GM: ...oh dear.

ELEPHANT: I attack the lich. I don't like dead things. At least not dead things that come back to life.
CHEETAH: You'll be in range of a cone attack.
ELEPHANT: I WILL STAND IN THE CONE OF SHAME

CORGI: I run up to the Lich!
LICH: Are you sure you want to stand there?
CORGI: ...I'm a paladin.
BUFFALO: Yeah, she's got you there.

CORGI: I attack the lich!
GM: You miss.
CORGI: Sad bork.

CENTIPEDE: I cast Hellish Rebuke!
GM: The Lich fails to save.
CENTIPEDE: 19 fire damage!
LICH: Fire...how droll.
CENTIPEDE: YOU'VE BEEN REBUKED

LICH is hit with a blowgun dart.
LICH: I really liked this robe.
CORGI: New strategy--I'm gonna pee on her!
BUFFALO: I feel paladins do not have nearly enough urine-based attacks.

BUFFALO: I attack with my hammer!
GM: You miss.
BUFFALO: I scream and headbash her with my horns.
GM: ...thaaaat's a hit.

GM: The lich is going to use a Legendary Action.
PARTY: That sounds ominous.
GM: She uses Disrupt Life.
PARTY: That sounds REALLY ominous.

PARTY: *takes enormous damage*
TOAD: OH GOD OH GOD I AM BLEEDING MY OWN BLOOD OH GOD
BUFFALO: Physician, heal thyself...
TOAD: WHY DID I BECOME A DOCTOR INSTEAD OF SOMETHING SAFE LIKE A ROCKSTAR

GM: The Lich teleports away. In the distance you hear a voice say "Can we talk about this now or do I have to do that again?"
PARTY: ...wait, what do we want, again? Were we after something?
GM: *sigh*

PARTY: Wait! It was a magic crystal so we could close the portal that the ratmen were swarming through! Something like that!
BUFFALO: Give us your shiny rock and we'll leave again!
LICH: ...just take the rock and get out of my house.
PARTY: 'Kay.

GM: You get to the portal. There's one of the brain-rats here.
BUFFALO: I show him my shield with the toothmarks and scream "GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON"
GM: Yeah, he cowers.

RAT: Give me the gem! For master!
BUFFALO: Wait, why did we get the gem again? Don't we have a thing that closes this?
GM: ...I should have taken better notes.
RAT: GIVE ME THE GEM! MASTER HUNGERS! IA! IA!
PARTY: Let's...not do that...

BUFFALO: I'm nearly certain we didn't get the gem to give to the freaky rat screaming about his master.
RAT: MASTER WILL PUT TENTACLES IN YOUR BRAIN
CENTIPEDE: *shoots the rat in the throat*
PARTY: Thank you, that was getting unpleasant.

PARTY: *activates the magic thing to close the hole*
PARTY: *runs like hell*
GM: The box goes beep beep beep BEEPBEEPBEEPWHOOOOSH!
CENTIPEDE: Was that a good noise from our perspective?
CORGI: Don't go back to look! Let's just go get cheeseburgers!

GM: The wind is rushing past you and you....wait, did you leave ANY doors in this dungeon? Did you knock them ALL down?
PARTY: Um...
BUFFALO: I think of them more as souvenirs with hinges.

GM: You hear crashing noises. The wind is still howling past you. The water in the sewer is getting pulled toward the portal.
BUFFALO: You think there's any chance we opened a portal to nothingness and all the matter in the world is being sucked toward it?
CHEETAH: Yes.

CENTIPEDE: We should still go get cheeseburgers.
BUFFALO: Cheeseburgers sound great right now.

HOMEOWNER/QUESTGIVER: OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY ARE THERE SINKHOLES
PARTY: No idea, ma'am. Gotta go.