Thread by @snarke

#Trump is going to speak in the Rose Garden any minute now. Is he going to lie a bunch about reopening the government? Is he just going to yell "no collusion! witch hunt!" over and over again? Both? Stay tuned!

Oh hell, #Trump is going to take questions too. This is going to be a sh*tshow.

#Trump is running about a half hour late. I wonder if he's spent this whole time on the phone with Ann Coulter, begging for permission to cave?

Okay, let's be real here: #Trump is late because it's the only control he has left. He's not going to go out there until he's good and ready. It's the oldest, lamest power play in the book.

Okay here we go. #Trump finally speaking. Opens with "I'm proud to announce we've reached a deal to reopen the government." Then brags having a "powerful alternative" but chose not to use it "at this time."

IOW: I could have hurt you so much worse, be grateful that I didn't.

#Trump: I will open the government for three weeks. And I will make sure that gov't workers get their back pay IMMEDIATELY...or as soon as possible.

Wow, dude. Wow.

#Trump is having trouble speaking. Has bungled "dialogue" and "law makers." He's slurring and sniffing. Now we know why he was late. They had to drug him to get him out the door.

25th? Anybody? Anyone? Bueller?

#Trump: If we open the gov't immediately, Americans will be grateful and proud that we could put our country over party.

Nobody tell him that he's praising the Democrats or this whole thing goes away.

#Trump: The walls we're building are not medieval walls. They are SMART walls. They are made of steel! They have see through visibility! They have state of the art drones! We don't need concrete walls from sea to shiny sea. We never wanted that. We never proposed that!

Uh oh...

#Trump: We're gonna reopen the gov't for three weeks! We're awesome! Now, I'm going to tell you all about walls and how important they are. (phrasing mine, obviously.)

Translation: We're gonna be right back here in three weeks. Count on it.

#Trump is insisting human traffickers don't go through ports of entry, they make a fast right or left because if they didn't, people would see four women with duct taped faces in the back of a van. And it's because of the internet!

What. Is. Happening.

#Trump has gone way WAY off script. He's shouting about how the migrants who come here "are sick! So it's a health crisis too!"

JFC.

#Trump: They're coming here because our economy is so strong! The strongest in the world! But we have no space left to house them. Instead they're released into our communities! We do as little releasing as possible but they're coming by the hundreds of thousands.

Uh..... what?

Y'all, I'm pretty sure #Trump thinks he's at a rally right now and the lack of cheering and applause is throwing him for a WICKED loop.

#Trump ends his "remarks" with threatening to use "the means" he is allowed to use to take "other actions" if here isn't any money for his border wall in whatever bill gets passed in the next three weeks.

Y'all: He's doing this so he can give the SOTU next week. That's it.

And after his garbled threat, #Trump abruptly ends his remarks, turns and walks back into the White House. Guess he's not taking questions after all.

Looks like the #Trump event is over. Thanks for reading everybody, I appreciate it! If you'd like to support my work, please consider donating to any of your local food banks or other non-profit orgs that are helping furloughed federal workers.