Thread by @lavietidhar

Rivers of London, Book 8.

Name's Punch. Full-time puppet, part-time private eye, and ALL trouble. When this dame, Judie, walked into my office I knew she was trouble, I just didn't know how much.
'Tis them pearly kings and queens what did it,' she said.

She had the sort of strings you just wanted to play on all day, if you know what I mean.
'It was them what stole the tarts.'
'Listen, Toots,' I said, 'I don't work divorces and I don't do moppets. This ain't no puppet show.'
She hit me over the head with an iron pan.

'What's this all about then?' I said when I came to.
'We need to establish an APCO on the HOLMES for the TLAs,' she said. 'Modern policing is all about establishing scene of cri-'
I stopped listening at that point.

'Lady, have YOU got the wrong puppet,' I said.
She looked fearful. 'It's behind you,' she said.
I didn't turn to look.
'Oh no it isn't.'
This went on for a considerable while.

At this point continuity was interrupted because of the comics spin-off and new characters were introduced. There were lots of new names. Who could remember them all? I thought. And why did the endings never make sense?

There were too many rivers, if you asked me.

Some rivers, you had to go to South West London for, and everyone knows only posh people live there.

'A river's just a sewer, if you think about it,' I told her. 'Should'a called it Sewers of London, see?'
I laughed at my own joke.
She hit me over the head again with her pan.
Some dames, they ain't got no sense of humour.

I determined to carry out an investigation. Find out some useless bit of London history. Shoreditch, I thought. Was that a thing? Never go south of the river.

But Kurtz went south of the river. He split from the whole goddamned programme.
'Who the fuck is Kurtz?' she said. 'What are you on about, you muppet?'
'I'm a puppet, you moxy,' I said. 'Modern policing has too many acronyms.'

She tried to hit me over the head with the pan again but I follow the rule of three when it comes to fiction writing and so dodged it.

Then the whole story just kind of ended. Still no idea about those talking foxes and stuff. But who cared? I couldn't wait for the next one to come out.

THE END