On tap: unfiltered commentary, custom-tailored for those who cannot bear to endure this nightmare live. I shall take that bullet.
Live-snark commences now...
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Second, there are gonna be some typos and such.
To err is humna.
As the patriot Nathan Hale's far lesser known brother, Pete, once said "I regret that I have but one liver to give for my country."
I'm a giver. I give.
I'm just mentioning this casually in the quite normal, conversational way someone might. All natural-like.
It was ordinary small-talk, okay?
(my DMs are open, @dogfishbeer)
The chamber of the world's greatest deliberative body is filled with officials of all stripe.
Cabinet members, congressmen, all of the legitimate Supreme Court justices.
Neil Gorsuch is there as well.
With that said, her outfit is lovely. A jacket elegantly cut with the perfect balance of treason and despair.
A yelly guy with an unusually youthful voice announces the arrival of our nation's vulgar Nero.
There is no spectacle more garish than Donald J. Trump ascending to the dais as President of the United States.
My sadness, unlike this beer, is bottomless.
Many, many old white men are clapping like they just discovered they can now run over poor people with their cars.
He has kept his hands on the podium for 30 consecutive seconds.
He sounds heavily sedated and is doing the nose thing.
Someone slipped a Xanax into his Filet O' Fish
He sounds flat to the point of sleepy.
Did they just wake this putz from a nap?
Is that better than throwing rolls of paper towels like you're giving out t-shirts at a Globetrotters game?
It's a toss-up really.
Shifting gears, Trump now gives a shout-out to the ungrateful bigot Rep. Steve Scalise.
Much like the Doobie's show I attended sober as a stone a cpl years ago, this just doesn't deserve the jubilation.
In the comical tell of all tells, upon Trump citing declining African American unemployment, Pence literally jumps to his feet to clap.
That's what you do when you REALLY want to seem un-racist.
Repubs go absolutely wild... except Mitch McConnell who sat there looking like he seriously just became the living figure of Montgomery Burns.
You have to find the shot.
All that was missing was the "exxxxcellent"
Such a bad read.
This annual speech has been the occasion of soaring, historic rhetoric. Speeches which will live for all eternity.
Trump's sad prattle will not be remembered past tmrw.
"The first is freedom of speech… The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way… The third is freedom from want… The fourth is freedom from fear."
Trump is talking about Apple stock.
I know I'm harping on delivery but this man is perhaps the worst orator to ever deliver the SOTU.
A dead Gerald Ford could play to a tie here
I was expecting a Stephen Miller brimstone deluxe with lines like:
"Repent for ye all are damned as is your barren land!"
Fun-fact: Trump proposed cutting funding to the VA and slashed funding for the services veterans rely on.
Aging Republicans applaud as if someone had just discovered a way to add Viagra to congressional tap water.
"We haven't seen this in a long time."
Fun-fact! BMW's largest plant in the world is in Spartanburg, SC.
Trump visited Spartanburg while on the trail. His memory is crap. And he lies.
Nancy Pelosi looks like every single wedding guest ever during a rambling toast by the groom's completely hammered best friend.
This brings us to a SOTU Quote-Off!
Harry S. Truman (1947): "If we share our great bounty with war-stricken people over the world, then the faith of our citizens in freedom and democracy will be spread over the whole earth.”
Round goes to Harry...
Note: Infrastructure Week was in June.
Actual Infrastructure Plan Week, on the other hand, has never occurred.
You just gave that money to the Koch Bros, you greedy, amoral f***stick.
Send them the bill.
Pence does the "jump up too fast so people don't think I want everyone but Christians to die in prison" thing.
Trumps exhorts the crowd to stand and clap for them. Clapping for a family devastated by murder.
A garish spectacle. Vulgar and usurious. Horrifying.
The family, awash in grief, framed by a shot also capturing a stone-faced, wooden, clapping Melania.
Bring Purell, folks. We know where those hands have been.
While Trump rambles, I shall fetch another Dogfish Head 60-Minute IPA from the good people at @dogfishbeer
Note: not a paid endorsement... not for lack of trying. Help me out here, Dogfish.
Apparently, we're going to randomly deploy people to peacetime theaters.
Jeez, that's not gonna be disruptive to military families.
“…people everywhere, in spite of occasional disappointments, look to us–not to our wealth or power, but to the splendor of our ideals."
Abraham Lincoln (1862): (calling for the freeing of slaves) "The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation."
Note: Trump appointed some 24-year old rando to lead that effort.
Even people who write country music are thinking "Yeah, that's a bit over the top, dude."
Here comes some Kim Jong Un talk.
I can feel it in me bones.
Note: our strategy in Iraq is unchanged since before Trump took office.
Thank you, President Obama.
That man right there is the best of us.
His exploitation by this vulgarian is repugnant.
Note: detention without due process has reduced our standing around the world and undermined our position as a beacon for human rights.
My 10-year old could articulate a more cogent foreign policy than this bumbling geography-challenged sack of human ignorance.
"Concessions only invite aggression and provocation"
Coming from the bloviating f***wit who called a nuclear-armed Kim Jong Un "short and fat" on Twitter, that's rich.
I never got that second beer. I can feel my soul leaving my body.
This is like the last scene from "Ghost" but with no Demi Moore.
...if you;re in North Korea.
Of course, here, it's probably your own fault sayeth Republicans.
I have heard more animated intonation from my freaking GPS.
This speech is landing with all the grace of a dropped phone book.
My work here, it is done.
I shall now go take a Silkwood shower and then wrap myself in clothes soaked in lye. Such will be my detox.
This was painful.
It was a snoozer sure to please no one. The right will hate it. The left will have skipped it.
With that said, thanks for riding along...