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The Hoarse Whisperer @HoarseWisperer
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Here we go... a rollicking live-snark of Commander Babyfingers' State of the Union Address.

On tap: unfiltered commentary, custom-tailored for those who cannot bear to endure this nightmare live. I shall take that bullet.

Live-snark commences now...

#SOTU2018
First a cpl disclaimers:

To mute this thread, merely click on that little arrow thingy in the upper right corner and this snark-a-thon shall pollute your timeline no more.

Second, there are gonna be some typos and such.

To err is humna.

Be gentle.
As is my civic duty, I will be subjecting myself to tonight's speech bolstered only by copious amounts of beer.

As the patriot Nathan Hale's far lesser known brother, Pete, once said "I regret that I have but one liver to give for my country."

I'm a giver. I give.
With that said, tonight's snarktivities will be accompanied by several Dogfish Head 60-Minute IPAs.

I'm just mentioning this casually in the quite normal, conversational way someone might. All natural-like.
That was by no means a craven ploy to parlay a social media mention into some free beer from the gifted artisans at America's finest craft brewery.

It was ordinary small-talk, okay?

(my DMs are open, @dogfishbeer)
...and off we go.

The chamber of the world's greatest deliberative body is filled with officials of all stripe.

Cabinet members, congressmen, all of the legitimate Supreme Court justices.

Neil Gorsuch is there as well.
The First Lady has arrived looked every bit as striking and animated as a Nordstroms mannequin.

With that said, her outfit is lovely. A jacket elegantly cut with the perfect balance of treason and despair.
Speaker of the house, Paul Ryan, stands atop the riser next to Vice President Can't Eat Alone With Women.

A yelly guy with an unusually youthful voice announces the arrival of our nation's vulgar Nero.
Trump is working the handshake line as the long-dead corpses of presidents past pitch and convulse in their graves.

There is no spectacle more garish than Donald J. Trump ascending to the dais as President of the United States.

My sadness, unlike this beer, is bottomless.
Trump is attired in the traditional navy suit with a rather unattractive lighter blue tie.

Many, many old white men are clapping like they just discovered they can now run over poor people with their cars.
Trump has commenced his assault on good diction.

He has kept his hands on the podium for 30 consecutive seconds.

He sounds heavily sedated and is doing the nose thing.

Someone slipped a Xanax into his Filet O' Fish
Through squinty eyes and all kinds of heavy nose-breathing, Trump trots out "Make America Great Again".

He sounds flat to the point of sleepy.

Did they just wake this putz from a nap?
First cameo goes to Ashley. A Coast Guard rescuer who helped save more than 40 lives in Hurricane Harvey.

Is that better than throwing rolls of paper towels like you're giving out t-shirts at a Globetrotters game?

It's a toss-up really.
Apparently the tranquilizer dart is wearing off because Trump's right hand is now waving to and fro in some crude mayday as if it wishes to be rescued from that bloviating corpse.

Shifting gears, Trump now gives a shout-out to the ungrateful bigot Rep. Steve Scalise.
Elected Republicans are giving standing O's like they're at a Doobie Brothers concert.

Much like the Doobie's show I attended sober as a stone a cpl years ago, this just doesn't deserve the jubilation.
Trump now rattling off supposed accomplishments.

In the comical tell of all tells, upon Trump citing declining African American unemployment, Pence literally jumps to his feet to clap.

That's what you do when you REALLY want to seem un-racist.
Trump cites the passage of "the largest tax reform in history".

Repubs go absolutely wild... except Mitch McConnell who sat there looking like he seriously just became the living figure of Montgomery Burns.

You have to find the shot.

All that was missing was the "exxxxcellent"
Trump is reading straight off the prompter... and as is always the case, it comes off like one of those local car commercials where the dealership's owner gets his awkward kids to say "Buicks are great, dad!" for the cheesy TV spot.

Such a bad read.
Trump is giving the prompter panels the dead man's stare without even a hint of comfort or natural-ness.

This annual speech has been the occasion of soaring, historic rhetoric. Speeches which will live for all eternity.

Trump's sad prattle will not be remembered past tmrw.
I mean, the SOTU is where FDR introduced "The Four Freedoms"

"The first is freedom of speech… The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way… The third is freedom from want… The fourth is freedom from fear."

Trump is talking about Apple stock.
Trump now moving on to talking about how we all share one American flag, faith, family... and then he screeches out "IN GOD WE TRUST"

I know I'm harping on delivery but this man is perhaps the worst orator to ever deliver the SOTU.

A dead Gerald Ford could play to a tie here
So far, this has been a straight, boring SOTU rah-rah.

I was expecting a Stephen Miller brimstone deluxe with lines like:

"Repent for ye all are damned as is your barren land!"
"I will not stop until our veterans are taken care of..."

Fun-fact: Trump proposed cutting funding to the VA and slashed funding for the services veterans rely on.
"We have cut more regulations in our first year than any administration in history."

Aging Republicans applaud as if someone had just discovered a way to add Viagra to congressional tap water.
Trump talking about Mazda building a plant in Alabama:

"We haven't seen this in a long time."

Fun-fact! BMW's largest plant in the world is in Spartanburg, SC.

Trump visited Spartanburg while on the trail. His memory is crap. And he lies.
Camera cuts to crowd shot.

Nancy Pelosi looks like every single wedding guest ever during a rambling toast by the groom's completely hammered best friend.

Frozen half-smile.
Trump now pivoting to over-promising on lowering drug costs and trade deals.

This brings us to a SOTU Quote-Off!
Trump (2018): "The era of economic surrender is over."

Harry S. Truman (1947): "If we share our great bounty with war-stricken people over the world, then the faith of our citizens in freedom and democracy will be spread over the whole earth.”

Round goes to Harry...
Trump now claiming he will somehow enable roads to be built faster.

Note: Infrastructure Week was in June.

Actual Infrastructure Plan Week, on the other hand, has never occurred.
Trump calling for $1.5 billion to fund infrastructure.

You just gave that money to the Koch Bros, you greedy, amoral f***stick.

Send them the bill.
Trump now calling for more vocational schools and paid family leave... then calls for post-incarceration training for released convicts.

Pence does the "jump up too fast so people don't think I want everyone but Christians to die in prison" thing.
Trump now telling a story of two people murdered by the MI-6 gang while camera cuts to crying family members.

Trumps exhorts the crowd to stand and clap for them. Clapping for a family devastated by murder.

A garish spectacle. Vulgar and usurious. Horrifying.
That moment will be one of the clips extracted for the news cycle. It was so craven and exploitative, it was a crass new low even for a man devoid of humanity.

The family, awash in grief, framed by a shot also capturing a stone-faced, wooden, clapping Melania.

Horrible.
"I am extending an open hand to work with members of both parties, Democrats and Republicans."

Bring Purell, folks. We know where those hands have been.
So far, this has been boring as sh**.

While Trump rambles, I shall fetch another Dogfish Head 60-Minute IPA from the good people at @dogfishbeer

Note: not a paid endorsement... not for lack of trying. Help me out here, Dogfish.
Trump calls out a member of the military and promises to "send in reinforcements"

Apparently, we're going to randomly deploy people to peacetime theaters.

Jeez, that's not gonna be disruptive to military families.
Trump now talking abt immigration. Since it's vacuous nonsense, let's instead revisit the SOTU oration of an actual pres: John F. Kennedy

“…people everywhere, in spite of occasional disappointments, look to us–not to our wealth or power, but to the splendor of our ideals."
Trump (2018): (calling for increasingly punitive treatment of immigrants)

Abraham Lincoln (1862): (calling for the freeing of slaves) "The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation."
Trump now moving on to talking about tackling the opioid epidemic.

Note: Trump appointed some 24-year old rando to lead that effort.
Commander Babyfingers now telling the story of a police officer who saved a pregnant mother from the scourge of heroin addiction.

Even people who write country music are thinking "Yeah, that's a bit over the top, dude."
Trump calling for pissing away untold sums on "modernized" nuclear weapons.

Here comes some Kim Jong Un talk.

I can feel it in me bones.
First, the man who is 330 days behind on his 30-day ISIS plan just pulled a "Mission Accomplished" by claiming he had beaten them in Iraq.

Note: our strategy in Iraq is unchanged since before Trump took office.

Thank you, President Obama.
Trump now calling out a heroic serviceman awarded the bronze star for valor for saving a fellow soldier's life under perilous circumstances.

That man right there is the best of us.

His exploitation by this vulgarian is repugnant.
Trump calling for the continued operation of Guantanamo Bay.

(overjoyed applause)

Note: detention without due process has reduced our standing around the world and undermined our position as a beacon for human rights.
Trump now prattling on about foreign policy in his usual moronic way.

My 10-year old could articulate a more cogent foreign policy than this bumbling geography-challenged sack of human ignorance.
Trump on North Korea:

"Concessions only invite aggression and provocation"

Coming from the bloviating f***wit who called a nuclear-armed Kim Jong Un "short and fat" on Twitter, that's rich.
For the love of god, wrap this up.

I never got that second beer. I can feel my soul leaving my body.

This is like the last scene from "Ghost" but with no Demi Moore.
Okay, I got another beer. Have I casually and inconspicuously mentioned that it is my favorite beer? The highly rated Dogfish Head 60-Minute IPA?

It is.
Trump now using a defector from North Korea as a prop for an endless, droning soliloquy on how being deeply impoverished and without opportunity is quite bad...

...if you;re in North Korea.

Of course, here, it's probably your own fault sayeth Republicans.
I know very little about music but I suspect this is the narrowest vocal range of any SOTU in recent memory.

I have heard more animated intonation from my freaking GPS.

This speech is landing with all the grace of a dropped phone book.
...and just like that, Trump wraps it up somewhat abruptly.

My work here, it is done.

I shall now go take a Silkwood shower and then wrap myself in clothes soaked in lye. Such will be my detox.

This was painful.
I have never been so overjoyed to arrive at the conclusion of a speech in my life.

It was a snoozer sure to please no one. The right will hate it. The left will have skipped it.

With that said, thanks for riding along...

Hoarse: out.
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