Thread by @julianalbrandt

2019 is turning out to be a year of honest vulnerability & the willingness to reach out and ask for help--something I've never been keen on doing before. I'm learning that apparently, when I bother to take the time to convince myself I don't need help is exactly the moment I do.

A writer reached out to me about a week ago. They were checking in, not for any particular reason, just to say hello...and to also say they were having a rough go of it.

I'm not sure if they knew they were reaching out for the specific boost I could provide, but I told them a little known truth about my journey & it seemed to help.

I think more people might need to hear this than that one person, and I think I'm at a point where I can share it:

This past month, I drafted the outline for what will be my 15th book

and

I have yet to be published. Truthfully, I don't know if I ever will be.

There are a lot of "granteds" wrapped up in that number.

Granted, most of those books are ones I haven't used in my pursuit of publication. Granted, many I wrote just for myself. Granted, very few have been on submission. Granted, many I've shelved after writing first drafts.

But "granteds" do not lessen the weight of that number when I am at my low points.

I've only just recently crawled free from a low point that lasted over a year.

A friend shared a blogpost recently that mentioned that internal writing injuries occur when we are cruel to ourselves. The number of books I've written: to the number of books I've published is an easy way I can be cruel to myself; that ratio is pretty dismal.

But (and I do not say this but lightly) even when I wear that ratio pinned to my chest, I'm not sure I consider it a "failing" of mine. That ratio has taught me innumerable things about myself, about writing, and about publishing.

1. I understand storytelling more than I ever would have without those manuscripts. The beauty of it and the difficulty of it, and the vital importance of it. Every act of storytelling is valuable, even if I'm the only one to experience it.

2. I've learned something true and unique through each book, both about the art of writing and about the art of my self.

3. I understand that publication isn't the end game.

4. I know I'm a storyteller in the deepest parts of me, no matter the external validation I may or may not receive.

5. I've learned how to be honest with myself, how to explore my fears and hopes and dreams, and how to be purposeful in the shaping of my life so that I may help make the world a safer place.

6. I've made and sustained the most gloriously beautiful friendships. Truly, that deserves to be written all in caps because that is the most valuable gift writing has provided me.

7. I understand how a novel can be written from all angles, and I've gotten very good at analyzing others' works because of the innumerable mistakes I've made.

8. The pain and confusion I've felt over the years isn't singular to me. I'm reminded to refocus myself, to make sure that kindness is at the core of how I interact with other writers. I can melt that away for someone else by being a compassionate teacher.

9. I like the number 9, so I'm going to end here: It's opened me to a big beautiful world that I need to purposefully learn more about. Novels don't exists in vacuums. They're tied to everything around them, and believing the opposite is a mark of deep privilege.

I've written a lot of books. This is the first time I've said that number in public. Usually that truth is held between my teeth to chew at in bitterness when I need to self inflict a wound.

Usually I say that number exists because I'm stubborn.

But the truth is that I love storytelling. It's hard and messy and confusing, and it's beautiful beyond measure.

If you're here today with any difficulties of publication & the number of books written wrapped around you too tight to breathe through, I get it. I'm here for you. I can't promise you'll be published. I can't promise that for myself. But you'll learn something on the journey.

(I want to acknowledge too that writing as many books as I have without payment is a point of privilege. While it hasn't always been the case, I now have a full time job that pays well, and I don't have kids to support...)

(...When I was in grad school and working and going into debt, I had a supportive partner who didn't mind my silence while writing. I recognize it's impossible for many to sit down and write for a decade without money to reimburse the time and effort that goes into it...)

(...This is part of why I believe so strongly in free mentorship programs and why I place writing advice etc up here. Anyway, I know that was a tangent from the main point of the thread, but it's an important one, and I didn't want to ignore it <3)

I hope that wherever you're at today you're being kind to yourself.

And if you have a writing question or want to ask something specific for how I can make the writing journey easier for you, let me know. I'd love to do a thread addressing it