Thread by @The_Weed

(1) As a mental health therapist, I've been thinking a lot about loneliness and why it seems to affect so many of us out there, as well as what to do about it.

(2) I've had periods in my own life where, even though I was surrounded by people, I felt completely isolated. Sometimes I would even be sitting in a room with people who knew me and I would feel this deep sense of isolation and "outsiderness." It sucks. And it's common.

(3) In my therapy practice I have clients come in talking of loneliness too. It's one of the most common things that comes up in sessions--successful, competent people, even people with families and partners--feeling isolated and very, very lonely. It's pandemic. It's everywhere.

(4) Recently, an online health organization, @healthline , contacted me to join a discussion of a particular phenomenon they'd been noticing in their clientele (ahem, that's why I'm linking them). What was this issue they'd been noticing more and more? You guessed it: loneliness.

(5) This pandemic of loneliness is everywhere. It's affecting people you know. It might even be affecting you. And it matters, because it is one of the principal features I observe in clients who experience depression and suicidal ideation.

(6) And the thing that sucks is that it isn't easily recognizable in others. Sometimes the person experiencing depressive isolation looks "very social." Sometimes they laugh a lot. Sometimes it is eating away at the insides of the person you would least expect.

(7) All of this leads to some important questions.

First, what is causing this high frequency of dangerous loneliness to happen in a world where connection is easier than ever? And second, what do we do about it?

I'm gonna take a stab at tackling both of those questions.

(8) One of the first concrete answers to the loneliness trend has to do with-- drum-roll please--the ACTUAL MEDIUM WE ARE CURRENTLY USING. Now, to be clear, I'm no social media hater (obvs). I think social media gets a bad rap. And I love the way it connects us all. But . . .

(9)...it turns out there is actual, indisputable, *research* that has found a link between social media and depression/loneliness. (sad trombone). healthline.com/health-news/so…

(10) Now, the uptake of that research is not that we should all eliminate social media from our lives and go live the life of a Luddite. Nobody needs to go all Walden Pond here or anything. It's that LESS is better.

(11)And this stands to reason. FOMO is real. Exposing yourself to your friends' doings once or twice a day to stay linked? FUN! But checking in on everyone 20 or 30 times a day? This floods our brain with an idea that ALL THE PEOPLE IZ HAVING ALL THE FUNZ AND I IZ ALL BY MYSELF..

(12) The other thing this social media thing correlates with is data that indicates that loneliness is peaking earlier and earlier. Some research even shows it at its highest right after college. healthline.com/health/mental-…

(13) And this makes a whole lot of sense. After college, your normal basis for social grouping (school) has gone away. You are having to field a new territory (work) to make friends. Plus, you're busier than ever. More busy + less instafriends at school = higher loneliness.

(14) But my therapy office (and my own life) tells me there must be more to the story. I'm seeing people come in and out of my office who HAVE social networks and are still feeling lonely. Surely, there must be more going on, at least in some of the cases, that causes this.

So, personal story time: In my twenties, my loneliness was skyrocketing. And on paper, it made absolutely no sense. I had a family, I had friends that I was social with regularly. I had a really beautiful life, and lots of connection. But I experienced feelings of deep isolation.

I was also in grad school to become a therapist at the time, and during one random workshop, several men came and presented about an addiction support group they were in. These guys were FRIENDS. They cared deeply about each other. They were involved deeply in each others' lives.

As I watched them interact and talk openly with each other, I had an epiphany: I had a lot of friends, but I had exactly zero local friends who actually knew who I was.

At the time I was largely closeted, and I was very private about being gay--only family knew for the most part. And it suddenly dawned on me that the reason these guys were so close was because they were willing to share EVERYTHING with each other. Even the nitty gritty stuff.

They were willing to share the stuff that brought them shame. They were willing to share the stuff that was scary because they had met in addiction recovery, and so their dirty laundry was already on the table. And that made the visible difference I could see in their connection.

So THAT's when the Brene Brown Ted Talks came into my life. (Google those if you've never watched them.) Vulnerability and shame. Willingness to share scary things in order to find connection. There's a whole VAT of research on this concept...

but basically what it boils down to is: in order to FEEL connected to other people, we have to be able to real with them. We have to share our REAL selves. We can't just share a facade, and then hope we feel seen, heard, understood and loved. Connection don't work that way.

So, in my case what that meant was coming out of the damn closet. It meant opening up to my friends about who I am, my pains and my hard things. It meant showing all of myself, even the stuff that certain cultures might consider less palatable. And as I did that...

(23) I felt the loneliness I had experienced disappear. I began to have REAL friendships with REAL connection. I opened my heart to people, and in return, they opened their hearts to me. I developed real, lasting, powerful friendships that nourish and sustain me, even to this day

(24) So, while I don't necessarily think this factors into every case of chronic loneliness, if you are someone who feels a driftless loneliness regardless of circumstances, it's something to consider: maybe the issue is not about quantity of connections, but about quality.

(25) Maybe, as @BreneBrown discusses at length, the key to connection is believing you are worthy of connection, and then taking the leap of faith of sharing something hard, something real, with someone you trust and want to go deeper with.

(26) And obviously, it might not be sharing something as deep as a closeted sexual orientation. But look in your own closets, and you might find you have certain things that are a part of you that you have tried to keep hidden: habits, addictions, stories from your past...

(27) What are you scared of in yourself? What stories do you like to keep hidden? What parts of you have you tucked away because you find them shameful or bad or ugly or deplorable? Find those things, and then find someone you trust, and share them. Share them openly.

(28) And then let them love you--all of you--while they also share their own darknesses and obscure objects with you as well. Doing this will deepen your bond. It will help you feel seen/closer.

But what about if you don't HAVE someone you trust yet? What then?

(29) Well, that's when we start to really, really practical :-).

Here are things that I have seen work for clients in building their living (as opposed to online) social networks in adulthood, and that might work for you:

(30) So at the risk of extreme bias, I think one of the most helpful steps you can take to quell depression caused by loneliness is to set up an appointment with a therapist.

A therapist is trained to hear you on a deep level, and will get allow you to get outside your own head. Plus, they will be a cheerleader as you build the connections around you.

(32) But if that action doesn’t feel quite right or isn’t accessible, you can take some simple steps to help get access to the humanoids that could eventually become your bffs.

(33) First, I know this is an annoying thing to hear because it sounds so self evident, but finding a hobby that involves others really can help. The REASON this works is actually based in science. Friendships develop when proximity and frequency of contact increases.

(34) So doing anything at all that increases the number of times you are proximate to the same people over time increases, by just BEING THERE, your chances of becoming friends. Period.

(35) Activities to consider: music groups, running teams, volunteer opportunities, crocheting clans, gossip clubs—like seriously, the sky is the limit. Also, the @Meetup app makes finding groups that share your interests very, very easy. (Just be brave and take that first step!)

(36) (Testimonial: As a 34-yr-old I met my best friend ever, the friend who has had my back for the last half-decade, the guy I know would take a bullet for me—and where did we meet? Volunteering to play music in a community led Oratorio. RANDOM AF!!!!!)

(37) Or, you could get a pet. (No, srsly, this is proven to help! Even robotic pets help!)

healthline.com/health-news/ho…

(38) If volunteering is more your jam, you can hit this group up to be matched with volunteer opportunity that fits your life and interests.

volunteermatch.org

(39) And if nothing else, if you feel lonely and isolated, know that you are not the only one. A lot of the people you see grinning on social media and interacting with others feel lonely and isolated too. I promise you are not alone. ❤️

(40) Below I will link a few more articles that have resources that might help. But if nothing else, please just know you are worthy of love and connection—just for being who you are, no matter what ❤️❤️❤️

This haz much support and resources. healthline.com/health/how-to-…

This haz other ideas: healthline.com/health/lonelin…

This is about chickenz: healthline.com/health/health-…

This is about loneliness over the lifetime. healthline.com/health/mental-…