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1/ One of the things I've noticed as a therapist who works with religious folks is that Christians have a REALLY hard time with boundaries.
2/ This comes from a good place. It comes from a place of love and a desire to do good. But it's toxic and hurts everyone.
3/ A few examples of boundary-related things I see in my therapy office which lead to deep mental distress (or worse):
4/ Not knowing when to say "no" to positions or opportunities that will deplete too much energy from self and family.
5/ Not knowing how to say "no" to people's demands or requests for help because always saying yes is "service."
6/ Not feeling able to say "no" to people who are dangerous or who "feel off" because you don't want to judge others.
7/ Not listening when your gut is begging you not to do something because saying "no" will look lazy or faithless to others.
8/ Not honoring self when your gut says to do something you know is right because you will lose "righteous" status in the eyes of others.
9/ Allowing peripheral people too much real estate in your life because you don't want to seem selfish.
10/ Not standing up to injustice, offense, harm or danger to self or others because "being angry" is sinful and inappropriate.
11/ Letting abusive/hurtful behavior from others continue indefinitely in the interest of "forgiveness" or "giving them a chance to change."
12/ Over time, each of these things erode self-worth, hurt families, and lead to depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation.
13/ I've discovered that for Christian people, one of the biggest culprits here is the idea of being "Christlike."
14/ Each lack of boundaries above can be mistaken for a "Christlike" submission--giving in in the interest of helping others.
15/ This idea is profoundly dangerous. It is also straight-up wrong.
16/ It's true, Christ helped others to an astonishing degree, even eventually giving his life.
17/ But it's important to remember that Jesus Christ had very clear boundaries he was not afraid to enforce.
18/ He was the perfect example of deep, loving selflessness combined with strict, clear boundaries and self-care.
19/ Let me show you some examples of what I mean.
20/ Christ didn't begin his ministry until he was 30 years old. Before that he spent decades nourishing himself, learning, and preparing.
21/ He was not cowed by influential people who tried to shame him for doing what he knew was right even when it challenged their culture.
22/ When his boundaries were challenged he was direct and curt. He did not mince words. He did not concern himself with appearing "nice."
23/ He gave selflessly when he had energy to do so. When he did not, he rested for weeks at a time in solitude, communing and regenerating.
24/ He answered with kindness often. When necessary he was curt, direct, and sometimes even inflammatory.
25/ At the same time, he knew when to stay silent and not share that which was precious with those who would scoff.
26/ He was not afraid to show anger or sorrow. He did not hide outrage or tears.
27/ He knew when to help and serve. And he knew when to leave dishes in the sink and listen to others' sorrows.
28/ He found ways to help those who asked, sometimes going in person, sometimes delegating to trusted friends.
29/ When betrayed by Judas, he spoke candidly and clearly. He advocated for himself, pointed out the betrayal, but honored Judas' choice.
30/ In the end, he gave his life for his friends, and to great effect, even changing the course of the accounting of historical time.
31/ By doing so he showed us many things. He showed us in the garden that it is appropriate to ask for help in dark times.
32/ He also showed us the patient sadness we are allowed to express when dear friends accidentally fail us, or fall asleep.
33/ He showed us there are those who demand accountability who merit muteness, and others who would never ask who merit an accounting.
33/ He showed us that it is folly to "avoid the appearance of evil" in our interactions with others--
34/ that spending time loving all people (harlots, lepers, publicans) will make people talk, but that nattering rumors mean nothing.
35/ He showed us that worrying about appearances holds us back, keeps us from showing love, makes us inauthentic.
36/ He showed us that the boundaries that matter most are the ones that come from within, not from outside entities or organizations.
37/ He showed us how to respect the systems we are born into, but not at the expense of our own integrity.
38/ He showed us that emotional vulnerability is life-giving, but that there are interlocutors who merit openness, those who merit silence.
39/ He showed us that having boundaries gives us the ability to help more people, and keep cherished relationships healthy.
40/ Christ was perfect. Thus, to be "Christlike" is to strive for perfect boundaries.
41/ Nowhere does the concept of being "Christlike" indicate that you must crumple, cower, or give what you do not have to give.
42/ Being "Christlike" is knowing your boundaries, thereby knowing exactly how best to help those around you WITHOUT hurting yourself.
43/ Being Christlike is taking care of yourself so that you can have the energy, peace, and clarity to know how best to show love.
44/ So we can only truly heed his great commandments (love God/each other) when we love ourselves enough to hold to healthy boundaries.
45/ In this there is safety and peace.
