Thread by @gaileyfrey

I gotta say: the second you dismiss someone's discussion of their problems and/or trauma as "whining" is the moment when you identify yourself as someone who cannot be relied upon to help in any way. That includes mentorship, advice, and guidance.

If you don't believe that a problem is actually a problem just because it belongs to someone else, or because you can't be bothered to try to understand it, then you will never be part of the process of solving that problem.

This is a huge fucking bummer. I so often see people with real and deep life experiences, people who could be mentors & coaches & comrades & friends, dismissing the trauma of others as invalid on the basis that it doesn't seem *that bad* to them.

I get it. My pain seems worse than anyone else's, because I can feel it right now, viscerally & immediately. But the impulse to dismiss someone else's pain out of hand just because it isn't mine is an impulse I've been working hard to get rid of, because man, fuck that.

Who am I helping, when I tell someone their pain doesn't matter, and that they should shut up and deal with it silently?

Whose voices am I really echoing when I say that?

Are those voices that I *want* to echo? Are those the voices of people I respect?

It's disheartening to see people decide that the good thing to do is tell other people in their community to Quit Whining, You Have It Good. At least those people are identifying themselves as people who shouldn't be leaned on or confided in - but fuck, what an immense loss.

Often, those who are saying "shut up, it could be so much worse" are people who know how to survive worse. They can offer so much memory, so we don't lose our histories. And they almost certainly need support, too. That's what communities are supposed to be FOR.

We cut ourselves and others off in the name of not seeking attention, in the name of trying to seem strong and thankful, and in the end, we all wind up alone with our trauma. That isolation only benefits those who would be threatened by the health of our communities.

Trust the trustworthy and mourn the loss of rest. I wish there was more trusting to do, and less mourning. Someday the balance will tip, and our found families will be bigger & kinder & safer.

In the meantime: whine all you want, and fuck anyone who tells you to stop. 💙💚💛🧡💜