Thread by @TWkLGBTQ

🎆It's time to learn about asexuality! 🎆

For my first day as curator, I'm going to create an Asexuality 101 thread covering some of the basics for those who don't know much about it. I'll make a similar thread about aromanticism tomorrow.

First off, what is asexuality?

An asexual (ace for short) is someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction. We rarely, if ever, see someone and feel sexually attracted to them/desire to have sex with them. It’s something inherent to us—you cannot choose to be asexual.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a behavior. This is important to note because some people are under the impression that an asexual is someone who chooses not to have sex, but what they’re thinking of is celibacy.

Celibacy is the choice to abstain from sex for a period of time. An example is monks and nuns from certain religions who vow to practice celibacy their entire lives. But that’s a decision they’ve made, and anyone with any sexual orientation can choose to not have sex.

Asexuality isn’t a choice—that’s why it’s a sexual orientation.

It’s estimated about 1% of the world’s population is asexual based on a 2004 Journal of Sex Research article, but that number is probably out of date. As awareness of asexuality spreads, more people are likely to identify as asexual.

After all, if you don’t know a word exists, you’re not likely to use that term to describe yourself, right? If you think you're the only one who feels the way you do, you're not going to assume there are others like you and that you aren't strange or abnormal.

Asexuality is a spectrum. Some asexuals do occasionally experience sexual attraction, or experience it under very specific circumstances. The two main terms used to describe those experiences are grey asexual and demisexual.

Gray asexuality (grey aces) have experiences in between no sexual attraction and regular sexual attraction. They may sporadically experience sexual attraction that is unpredictable and fleeting, there one day and gone the next, and that may only pop up every once in a while.

Or, they may experience more frequent sexual attraction, but it’s at such a low level and has such little impact on their lives that it may as well not exist.

Demisexuals (demis) do not experience sexual attraction until a strong emotional connection with another person is formed. This tends to be misunderstood, since many people wait to have sex with someone until they know them better.

The way to distinguish demisexuality is to remember that demis do not experience any sexual attraction to anyone unless this strong bond is formed, and there’s no way to predict or control it.

A hypothetical demisexual, Person A, could date someone for three years and like them very much, but never become sexually attracted to them. They could be friends with someone else their entire lives and never become sexually attracted to them.

And then, Person A could make a new friend and six months later find themselves sexually attracted to them. It’s unpredictable and uncontrollable, and more than a little frustrating for demis trying to date!

So some aces date? Yes! Just because you don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t automatically mean you can’t desire a romantic relationship(s), or other kinds of relationships. Let me introduce you to the split-attraction model.

The split-attraction model (SAM) came out of the asexual and aromantic communities as a way to describe differing sexual and romantic orientations. Just as people have a sexual orientation, we also have a romantic orientation, which is who we’re romantically attracted to.

For many people, their sexual and romantic orientations overlap, but that doesn’t mean that’s the case for everyone. An asexual person can have any romantic orientation: bi/pan, lesbian, gay, hetero, aromantic, etc, and they can use the SAM to describe their orientations.

For example, someone might call themselves a panromantic ace, which means they are romantically attracted to any/all genders and are also asexual. Someone else might identify as a lesbian demisexual, while another might be heteroromantic grey ace.

The SAM can be very helpful if your romantic orientation doesn’t exactly overlap with your sexual orientation, and while it originated in the ace and aro communities, the split-attraction model can be useful for anyone regardless of their orientations.

And you don’t have to use it, either; some people find that it’s unnecessary for them or prefer just a single term if one of their orientations doesn’t play as large of a role in their lives as another. It’s a tool you can use if it’s helpful for you!

You can be ace regardless of gender identity, religious or cultural background, skin color, ethnicity, age, health, etc. Asexuals are part of the queer community. We share the A in the acronym LGBTQIAP+ with the aromantic and agender communities. 👋 to our fellow A's out there!

If you’re enjoying this thread and want to learn more about asexuality (and there’s a lot to learn. I’ve only scratched the surface!), I suggest checking out the book The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker. amazon.com/Invisible-Orie…

Also, this overview by the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN, @asexuality) is informative: asexuality.org/?q=overview.ht…

To hear more about asexuality in more recent work, check out The Asexual journal (@AsexualJournal) at theasexual.com, which has multiple volumes touching on different aspects of asexuality, all written by people on the asexual spectrum.

I’ll stop here for now, and tomorrow I’ll talk about aromanticism 101. Thanks for reading—I hope you enjoyed it! 😊