Thread by @paushinski

KIKUYU GHELS BEEN CONFUSING JANG’O MENS SINCE 1900.

One day The Mother sends me to the shop. It's Sunday 7:30pm.

Mum: Go buy bread & milk for tomorrow and come back home immediately, because I know you. Tomorrow is school day.

I come back at 10:30pm. She's at the door. LIVID.

PS: I am like 13.

Me: Sasa Mum, unafanya nini nje. Ingia ndani, utashikwa na Malaria.
Mum: Ebu leta hiyo mkate na maziwa hapa.

Kidodo kidogo, her sister walks in. Mother had called her sisters and they've all agreed a lion has eaten me, so they are already planning my funeral.

Mother has blocked the door, I'm not allowed in.

Aunt: (Sarcastic) So you've come back from the dead?
Me: (Still clueless) Sasa Aunty. Kwani form ni gani?
Aunt:You'd better be a ghost. Niliamshwa usingizi ati a lion ate you.
Mum: (Straight at me). OYA! Unatoka wapi saa hii?

Me: [Insert woishe eyes.] Si ulikuwa umenituma maziwa na mkate, mum?

Ata sijamaliza, kwanza kibare moja moto ya warm up hapo mara hiyo hiyo.

Aunt: (Ashanichuna masikio faster faster) Ulienda kuzinunua Kisumu? 3 hours. Umetoka wapi? Okoa masaa. Narudi Jeri.

Saa hii nimeona kimeumana. I decide I'm going to be honest, coz honesty is best policy.

Me: Sorry mum.
Mum: I'll ask one more time. Umetoka wapi?
Me: Oh. I'd forgotten. Nimetoka hapa Madiwa tu.
Her: (Waxing off her ears) Ati. Ebu repeat. Sijasikia vizuri.
Me: (Whispers) Madiwa.

Aunt: (To Mathe). Utamweza peke yako ama unadai tag team.
Mum: Huyu niwachie.
Aunt: Sawa. Kuna chai kwa jikoni?
Mum: Ingia, ichangamkie. Na usimalize sukari. Wewe nakujua na sukari.

I seize the opportunity & laugh to diffuse tension.

Me: Hahaha. Aki mum wewe unakuwanga m-funny.

Ata sijamaliza kusema -m-funny' nishakula kibare ingine ya 'Sharrap!' Saa hii nimesimama #Atenshan!

Mum: Eastleigh yote hakuna maziwa na mkate?
Me: Kuna gyel alikuwa anaogopa kuenda Madiwa pekee yake nikajitolea.
Mum: Ok. So umekuwa watchman siku hizi unasindikiza watu.

Kibare.

Mum: Huyo Msichana ni nani?
Me: Wangechi. Anatoka ile ploti.
Mum: Ukamfikisha Madiwa?
Me: Ndio.
Mum: Ukamrudisha kwao?
Me: One time.
Mum: Yuko na wazazi?
Me: Ameniambia ata wako sisters wawili na brother mmoja.
Mum: Haya, kwanzia leo, wako waa nne. Brothers wawili.

I'm confused.

Mum: Nataka uchukue nguo zako zile ulijinunulia uende uishi nao. Wazazi
Me: Hapana mum. Mimi nataka kua mtoto wako.
Mum: Nimesema uchukue vitu zako.

I know when mum is serious. I go inside the house crying. Aunty anakunywa chai. I pick stuff & start out.

Mum: Hauniambii bye.

Me: Bye mum.
Mum: Bye? Kwani unaenda wapi?
Me: Kwa akina Wangechi. Si umesema mimi ni wao.
Mum: Unaenda saa hii saa tano usiku? Ndio unihaibishe? Rudisha hizo nguo ukalale kesho ni shule.

I'm happy.

Aunty says to her 'You're weak. Huyu angekuwa wangu, angelala nje na mosquito.'