Thread by @garius

JAVID: Gentlemen, The Saj suggests that we jointly announce that we will be fighting a clean leadership campaign.
RAAB: I'm confused. Why?
JAVID: To make all the other fuckers look dirty.
HANCOCK: Nice. I like it.

RAAB: I'm not sure we should we be working together
JAVID: Well we're not the leading pack are we?
HANCOCK: He's right Dom. Gove? Johnson? They're Champions League. We're barely pushing for Europe
RAAB: I don't want Europe! No deal!
JAVID <interrupting>: Matt, don't confuse him.

RAAB: Why should I cooperate with you? I'm out near the front!
HANCOCK: Oh Dom. You've never done a Tory leadership race have you?
JAVID: It's like the Grand National Dom, but with more runners
HANCOCK: And deaths.
JAVID: And the frontrunners rarely win.

JAVID: Do you know how Thatcher became leader, Dom?
RAAB <wistfully>: There was a prophecy, long told in Conservative clubs, that one day a wise leader would...
HANCOCK <interrupting>: It was because Airey Neave was a devious shit.
JAVID: Bingo
RAAB: What?

HANCOCK: Neave knew Heath would win a leadership challenge. Thatcher was almost a nonrunner.
JAVID: So Neave started telling Tory MPs individually to secretly vote Thatcher 'as a protest'
HANCOCK: And enough did that she won the first ballot.

RAAB: I don't get it. How did no one realise what was happening, that LOADS of MPs were now going to 'protest vote' for Thatcher?
HANCOCK: Because we're the TORIES Dom
JAVID: Airey Neave realised that the only time we ever chat is if we're shagging or stabbing each other
RAAB: Oh

RAAB: Thatcher was the Messiah! They told us in young Conservatives!
JAVID: Well that was true from a certain point of view
RAAB: Certain point of view?
JAVID: Dom, you will find many of the truths Tories hold dear depend on a certain point of view
HANCOCK: 'Brexit means Brexit'

AVID: All we're saying Dom is you need allies
RAAB:
HANCOCK: And well, it's us or...

<Commons carpark>

STEWART: You want a puff on this?
CLEVERLY: Sure
KIT: Gentlemen, this is damaging my interior
STEWART: Holy shit, this car can talk
KIT: Yes. And compromise
CLEVERLY: Woah

STEWART: So wait, you're running for Tory leader too?
KIT: Yes
CLEVERLY: But you're a car! You're not qualified
KIT: I was created by a shadowy billionaire for a private police force operating under a PPP contract without proper oversight
STEWART: Okay yeah, you're qualified.

STEWART: And you want to team up?
KIT: My logic circuits tell me that a compromise will serve us all
CLEVERLY: Why us?
KIT: You were the first to open my door
STEWART: Dude I TOLD you the cookies on the seat were a trap!
CLEVERLY: Daaamn
KIT: I apologise. It was a necessary ruse.

<A less smokey room>

RAAB: Are we really stronger together?
JAVID: Do you know what a triumvirate is Dom?
RAAB: Sorta
JAVID: The Second Triumvirate DOMINATED Roman politics. From its efforts the EMPIRE grew. We could do that too. You could be a modern LEPIDUS Dom! A Triumvir!

RAAB: This Lepidus does sound kinda cool. A Triumvirate? Okay I'm in!
JAVID: Good boy
RAAB <leaving>: See you later!

HANCOCK: Not going to tell him who the other Triumvirs were?
JAVID:
HANCOCK: Why?
JAVID:
HANCOCK: Ah. We're stabbing not shagging?
JAVID: When the time is right

And so the #leadershipTapes begin! Don't forget, there's still time to pledge for the print version of The Brexit Tapes! unbound.com/books/the-brex…

And if you're unfamiliar with the adventure so far, it all starts WAY BACK here...

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784?lang=en