Thread by @pptsapper

I'm not saying I'm bout to get drunk and watch "Gettysburg" but there's a damn good chance I might be about to get drunk and watch Gettysburg

Look, before you cretins start bashing it, this was in fact my favorite movie of all time growing up, beards and shitty historiography be damned.

So be merciful.

Ok, some more gin. And away we go.

How Jeff Daniels could look so damned much like JL Chamberlain I will never know, but he and Sam Elliot are basically everything about this movie

Sam Elliot is also basically God

You know it's true

The opening with the South Mountain Range...oy. that part of the nation is so damn gorgeous. I have fond thoughts of retiring there

Anyways, we've got Harrison watching what - half a troop of cavalry and declaring that it's two brigades? Pshhh

Aaaamd now Harrison comes upon the fattest goddam southern picket line in the world

This bearded dude could sustain the entire Army of Northern Virginia on his gut alone

Tom Berenger does a great Longstreet, despite his godawful beard

Fun fact: Gettysburg and Sniper came out the same year

Yeah, Tommy can ACT, yo

Then there's Moxely Sorrel getting all Virginian and affrotned on behalf of JEB "oh hell I'm lost" Stuart, dangit Moxely

Martin Sheen as the surprised and confused Lee is my favorite Lee of all time

"General Stuart would not leave us blind"

Longstreet:

Chamberlain getting basically the worst awakening a commander can get

Some Irish NCO without coffee telling you all about a personnel issue

The 19th century version of "2nd PLT lost a set of NVGs"

Psh, as if some Pennsylvania fellas are gonna keep 120 men of the 2nd Maine in line

These are the dudes that told Stuart's blackhorrse cavalry to fuck off at Bull Run and didn't bother to run away

rugged af

Ah, the arrival of C Thomas Howell on the battlefield.

Poor Tom. He was shit at civilian life.

Was great in Red Dawn tho

I only just now realized what a boss move JLC pulls by having Tom sign for the prisoners

"Adjutants problem, not mine, dudebro"

My man *gets* the S1 lane like no other

Then there's this dude from the 2nd Maine with the WORST downeast accent ever

Which is funny because the 2nd Maine wasn't from downeast

Downeast is a Maine term that makes no sense because Maine

Yeah, of course I'm gonna tear up during the Chamberlain speech to the 2d Maine. Obvs, I have a heart , don't I?

I don't care that this isn't what Chamberlain said, it's damn well what he might have said

"It's the idea that we all have value..."

That's what fight for. Still.

Good ol Ellis Spear.

Ran the US Patent Office after the war

Why the fuck do I know things like this but I can't remember where I put my shorts

I won't lie

When I first saw Buford and his staff ride onto the field I was like

"I wanna join the cavalry when I grow up"

Then I discovered that they're all boring now

Get someone to love you the way colonel Gamble loves the ground around Gettysburg

This bit where Buford does engagement area development is basically a staff officers wet dream

Like, a division commander actually DOING terrain analysis

The S2 and engineer like

He literally does every step of EA Dev

My god

That Jno Buford is so hot right now

Gamble tossing shade at Devin for Thoroughfare Gap is WICKED

I do love that they show the dismounted cavalry moving forward while also showing that every fourth man held the horses

The nerd in me needs this kinda shit

Aaaaaand here we have Lee getting all biblical and quoting the Psalms

Which is funny

Cause god wasn't on his side

Heth's division coming up in column lol

Calef's battery finna wreck you son

Now

In a fairness

The cav didn't deploy in line like this

They did a retrograde shit thing because their carbines couldn't range rifles

But Buford's professional glee at killing traitors is JOYFUL

Look, if you don't choke up when that big beautiful I Corps flag comes into view, i don't know what to do with you

You're obviously not human

Major General Harry Heth making excuses like sad second lieutenant

Have heard this speech before

"I didn't know what else I could've done, no one knows, definitely not my NCOs who told me not to do it"

Lee: "my orders to all commanders, attack!"

Iron Brigade:

God, the advance of the Iron Brigade is like GODDAM TONIC TO MY SOUL

they WRECKT Archer's brigade

Cause fuck yo traitorous couch

Poor Reynolds. One of the best commanders of the war

And gentlest of men

Goddam all war

And speaking of Lieutenants, here's Tom Chamberlain chumming it up with some mutineers

Howell needs to blur his Rs

Apparently he'd never been to the Northeast where Rs don't exist

And now we'll just go ahead and gloss over an entire day's worth of fighting just Soo some butternut clad jackass can tell "they're running" which is bullshit, because the 11 Corps only caved because outflanked & outnumbered and Hills corps got FUCKED UP on July 1

And then the "we're fighting for our rats" bit. "Why can't you folks live the way you want to and let us live the way we want to?"

Because your way of life involved OWNING PEOPLE

jackasses

Jeff Daniels says "Banger" for "Bangor"

This unfortunately ruined the movie for all the Mainers I know

I do enjoy the made up conversation between essentially an Irish republican and a New England idealist

I think JLC would've enjoyed this movie, because he would've enjoyed the argument

Stephen Lang as Georgie Pickett is exactly as excellent as you'd expect

The one thing is film builds is how agonizing the break up of the old Army was. They all knew each other. And now were trying to kill each other.

Tragic

What it leaves out is the WHY

Poor Dick Garnett. Has to deal with a lame leg, a douchebag politician fellow brigade commander in Kemper, and having to live under the ghost of Stonewall's disapproval

You can understand why he might have death wish

I do enjoy that the scene at Meade's HQ is filmed on location. You can see monuments in the background of you look hard enough.

Ahhh, Hancock.

Hancock the Superb

I have a historical crush on Winfield Scott Hancock and I don't care who knows it

Who the fuck is waving a semaphore flag in the dark

It's an infantry 2LT isn't it

I bet it is

I used to do Trimble's monologue about Culp's Hill before plays in college

Yeah I was a drama geek

And no, he couldn't have done it with a division, brigade, or regiment

Meade and his one scene of the movie. I always thought that a bit sad

The dude wins the battle and gets two lines

One about how dark it is and another about the ground

Basically comes in like a dad

Major Sorrel: "sirs..."

Everyone:

Lee gives a shitty OPORD brief

No commander's intent

No end state

Just coordinating instructions

I do love how Longstreet shuts down Col Fremantle with the "my people were Dutch"

And then the misnomer about "we should've freed the slaves and then fired on Fort Sumter." As if that was ever an option

Hint; it wasn't. It was literally THE GODDAM CAUSE

Longstreet: "I swore an oath"

YUPPP

Lee"my first loyalty was to Virginia"

George Thomas:

Lee's speech about the great trap, to be a good soldier is to love your troops, to be a good commander is to order the death of the thing you love...

He wasn't wrong.

"one a lite bit closer and it would be a hahd day for mothah"

Woulda been wicked hahd, because brother John was with them too

"now we'll see how professors fight"

Goddam right we will

So much for the tolerant left

Oh, the fight for Little Round Top...myth and legend plays such a role here

But also

My boys of the 20th

I'm so damn biased

Andrew Goddam Tozier

Color bearer for the 20th

He's got a song about him in case you didn't know

The 20th Maine fight is such a good example of small unit actions

Also

The Merrill brothers you get introduced to were real, James and William

What you don't see is that both are killed in action

"you mean chahge?"

If there is a New Englander that can watch this scene without wanting to go charge down a hill without ammunition, well, they aren't a real New Englander

Now, yes, the movie doesn't show the fight of the rest of Vincent's brigade

And Weed's Brigade

And O'Rourke's charge

However, in each small unit action, there's an element of the heroic, and goddam do we see that with the 20th

For those that don't know, "I never served with a better man" is basically "I love you and you're in my heart forever" in cold New English

And as Chamberlain/Jeff Daniels walks off into the sunset, we remet this is the same dude who was in Dumb and Dumber

Talk about yer versatile actor

Gettysburg: where the acting is so good and the beards are so bad

Lee; "we lost so many a good man this day"

Longstreet: don't complain to me, bitch, I didn't wanna do this

Longstreet dealing with his division and brigade commanders arguing over the theory of evolution -- that's every commander walking in on their platoon leaders arguing about something inane

"what you hear about Hancock?"

"Ran into him today. He was tough. Very tough."

Yeah

Irish Brigade, 1st Minnesota.

Doesn't get much tougher

Richard Jordan played Armistead SO well. And died before the movie came out. It really is a testament to the tortured soul that Armistead had

Goddam all war

Had I not mentioned that?

am I here for JEB Stuart getting his ass chewed?

Absofuckinglutely

Martin Sheen rocked this scene

Just locked Stuart right the fuck up

Stuart: "here's my sword and all the honor shit of Virginia.."

Lee: "you don't fucking listen, do you, son"

Cav officers smdh

Tom bringing Lawrence some coffee is the most brotherly/soldierly/S1 thing you can do

Of course, JLC responds with five different questions and ends up chucking the coffee off Big Round Top

Commanders. We're the worst

Lee: "I want you to take your corps, attack the middle, and split the federal line"

Longstreet:

My LETHALITY and READINESS would be vastly improved if I could ride a horse and wear a sword every day

Lookin' at you, @USArmy

And now we have the weird ass sequence of everyone cheering Lee

And Martin Sheen is like "fuck, get me outta here"

But the reenactors were like "nope, we gonna cheer you"

And so Sheen waves like a trapped Santa Claus while wondering how he ended up like this

EP Alexander

Poor kid

The actor can't sit his horse AT ALL

Longstreet says "maximum effort"

Lol

"Pickett's charge"

Virginians take credit

North Carolina like

Now see, Longstreet actually gives a good OPORD

Commanders intent, endstate, fires plan

Even though he does NOT want to do this

(Pettigrew tries to give him his book, just like every professor who doesn't have tenure)

Longstreet's apocryphal prophecy of what will happen during his attack is heartbreaking

Also, JLC being in the center is purely apocryphal

But I do love seeing my boy walking with The Superb

I'd watch that buddy comedy

*JLC slumps against the wagon in pain*

My dude, wait till they shoot your balls off

Yeah, that's basically what happened at Petersburg

In case you think that brigadier general promotion wasn't warranted

Oh fuck

Weird ass flashback to getting rocketed and mortared when JLC flinches during the bombardment

Have made that same face

Goddammit, WHY, WHY did the stupid Confederates think this was a good idea?? You're goddam Americans, why do this for a government based on slavery?

This is such a fucking tragedy

Dammit. A national tragedy.

Fuck you, spectre of General Jackson, you killed a good man in Richard Garnett. All for the idea of honor

Fuck you, leaders of the traitors of the Confederacy, who led so many young Americans into the death of folly

May you burn in hell forever for what you did to this country and these poor kids

"for the glory of Virginia"

Yeah, I didn't see that in your oath

The trefoils might have something to say about it

Poor Alexander

He thought he did his work

But Hunt ordered the US cannon to go silent

To get the rebels to attack

It worked

Once they get underway, guns from Cemetery Hill to Little Round Top are going to absolutely decimate this line

The grandsons and great grandsons of these men will take Omaha Beach.

The men firing on them will follow on and fight through the Normandy campaign

The Army of WWII will still not understand enough to allow African Americans equal rights

Now, Pickett's Charge in this movie is a bit false

Because guns from Cemetery Hill literally break the left wing of the attack

Whole regiments peel off and disintegrate under the fire

Cushing - who finally received the MOH a few years back - gives double canister.

Hancock gets shot:

"I'm not going anywhere, get me a fucking bandaid"

Patton's great uncle is shot and killed going over the fence

There's something about the fields of chicory and Queen Anne's Lace over which they fought that cuts me to the core

The Lee "it's my fault but not my fault because I'm old and infirm" scene

Nope. Was your fault. You done fucked up.

The brothers Chamberlain hugging with the flag in the background makes me all teary

But that also may be the shsikey

Whiskey

There we go

So, uh, I'm done, and emotional AND drunk, so this is just FINE

gonna go contemplate the nature of war and shit