Thread by @startupdaemon

THE UNLIVED LIFE OF THE PARENT

'Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.'

Carl Jung realized this a century ago. He never realized it would destroy Western society.

Society is dominated by generations which never grew into adulthood, stuck adrift somewhere in adolescent development.

Children born the past few decades have been raised into weakness and helplessness. The broken culture has made sure of it where hare-brained parents haven’t.

Few people ever go past the early stages of cognitive development.

It's a gruesome and protracted process, punctuated by many failures and the pains of growth.

Much easier to sedate oneself with comfort food, dumbphone distractions and support groups.

What is the unlived life of the parent and how does it affect you?

Let my own life be an example – one you should not repeat.

My mother never got from her marriage the affection and security she craved. Yet, she refused to change things or practice independence – something she could have easily done. She chose to be stuck in her unlived life, in wishful thinking, denial and the comfort of suffering.

She lived neither the life she wanted nor the life she should have lived as an adult. She was neither happily married, not financially independent.

So she projected.

Her overprotectiveness hobbled me as an adolescent. I had to fight not only my own fears but hers as well.

Her emphatic defensiveness and cautiousness amplified mine, so I moved into life much more slowly than I otherwise would have.

I call my mother regularly to make sure she’s well. She’s humorous and entertaining, as ESFJs typically are. But I abhor those calls.

Every time there’s a chance I’ll have to relive the same cycles and the same patterns. Obviously, she doesn’t project them on me alone.

My father had plenty of unlived adulthood to project as well.

He was lazy and financially reckless for much of his life. That was a reflection of his own father’s unlived life – he had been an alcoholic and died young. So my father grew up mostly fatherless.

As did I.

My father was around as I was growing up, but he might as well have been absent. I had to father myself.

I mostly feared him and avoided him because I found his behaviour unconscionable. The times when I didn’t, I was usually the one taking care of him, as I do until this day.

He also tried to project his unlived life of respectability and financial success on me. When I started raking in money, he attempted to parade me like a circus monkey in front of his friends.

I’d have none of it, but this unlived life of his comes up every time I call.

These experiences taught me independence the hard way. I knew I had to take care of myself from a very early age.

But they also held me back. I was always pinching pennies and thinking defensively – obsessed with safety and survival, not growth.

I was living, by necessity, my father’s unlived life of an adult who is responsible and frugal.

I was living, by force, my mother’s unlived life of someone who has to overcome fears and indecision.

I don’t know if you can tell, but these aren’t realizations I just had an hour ago.

I’m on good terms with my parents because I took stock of all this a long time ago.

There’s no bitterness in me, only disappointment – for their lot, not mine.

Every time I’m reminded of this, I also realize my parents are not the only ones.

Life experience has taught me that most people end up with unlived lives like this. The type and level of self-inflicted misery varies, but the pattern of denial and stunted growth is the same.

The generations coming up – which were never taught self-reliance or any fundamental aspect of adulthood – will experience the unlived lives of generations past even more severely.

We can do a lot to prepare for this ultrafragile volatile world.

You have choices to make.

As a parent, you must examine your life’s regrets and shortcomings in an honest way and protect your children from yourself.

This involves dealing head-on with the issues you’ve been avoiding your whole life.

To be a good parent, you have to grow up and deal with your own baggage first.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

As a child, you must look into your parents’ unlived lives' effects on yours.

Find out what the touchpoints are and devise ways to avoid being cornered into a lifetime of lacking or compensation.

Otherwise you will end up carrying the cognitive baggage forward to your children.

If you cannot have honesty with yourself and your family, you cannot have an authentic life.

If you live the unlived lives of the parent, you will end up with unlived lives of your own.

End the misery relay and take charge. Or don't.

You choose, as always.

We have a society dominated by two generations with massively unlived lives – boomers and millennials.

Riding on comfort, debt and easy money, most boomers never learnt responsibility.

So they left the millennial generation with their unlived guilt – and mountains of debt.

When you understand individual psychology, it gets easy to see where society is going.

The individual is projected on the societal.

What we do personally, the generations after us often have to live out for centuries.

The culture is beyond repair, but this thread is not about despair.

We must accept what is, so we can create what will be.

Let the dead world burn and focus on your own life and Character.

Your own Integrity is your first contribution to the new future.

There are no excuses in this thread – for any of us.

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