Thread by @kelly_j_baker

One of the bad things about depression (& there are many bad things) is how hard it to realize that you are depressed when you are.

It takes me way too long to recognize that I was depressed; I have a real hard time identifying that I am until it continues for awhile.

Last week, I realized (& finally admitted) that I had been having depressive episodes for the last few months. My moods have been off-kilter but I chalked it up to many other things that weren't depression.

Part of this because my depression doesn't manifest like I imagine depression is supposed to look like.

I don't wanna get out of bed but I do. I also get angry, irritable, & exhausted. I withdraw within myself while I fake being okay to everyone around me. I hate everything.

But, I also tend to push forward because it is what I do. Even as I only do what I need to do. I can't do anything more, & I remain in a state of constant overwhelm.

And I sure as hell don't reach out to people. Unless I have to.

I know that all of these are signs of depression for me. And yet, I can't quite recognize them while I'm in it.

I can't see the signs.

But, I eventually did this time. And I reached out to my doctor, even though I didn't want to, to adjust my medicine.

We came up with a plan. I'm still going to therapy.

So, yesterday, for the first time in months, I had a real smile on my face.

I felt lighter. I had already started reaching out to people to help me out. I called a friend. I considered how lucky I am to have a caring partner & my kids.

I forgot how it feels to have depression lift. I forgot the sheer joy.

And I was also frustrated that I didn't reach out for help earlier because I couldn't tell I was depressed.

Anyway, depression is super shitty.

I hate that I struggle with it & I hate that some of y'all struggle with it too.