Thread by @garius

Right. I'm home. Will grab booze and then let's get this evening's Parliament season finale going.

Back in time for DIVIIIIIISON. #timing

Have eaten some lemon drizzle cake.

Meanwhile ORDEEEERRR

Ayes 311. Noes 302.

Jezza's vote up.

Jezza continues his remarkable transformation into looking like the reasonable statesman in the room.

And for those counting Boris STILL has a win ratio in the Commons of 0%

He'd have been fired by now if this was the Premier League.

"We are not at war. Yet the Prime Minister is obsessed with that language."

"The lives at stake here, are not those of the Prime Minister and his Cabinet."

Boris isn't here of course. He's still going through the Ladybird Book of Myths looking for a zinger to throw back at Leo.

Maria Eagle is up. Points out that last week Boris said he'd obey the law, then followed that up the next day by saying he'd rather be 'dead in a ditch'

Everyone pretends that this two-facedness for Boris is somehow shocking.

Ian Blackwood agrees fully with Jezza and says the language of debate has gone too far.

Nobody on the goverment benches heckles because Blackwood thrives on this shit.

Peter Boooooooone creaks up and demands Corbyn support No-Deal if an EU country vetoes an extension.

Everyone rolls their eyes.

Vicky Ford gets up and tries to push the same line.

Guess we know what the government attack line is tonight. And it's shit.

Oh hey, we're getting "Jeremy loves paramilitaries" too.

So looks like tonight we're getting the parliamentary equivalent of a shit cover CD your dad bought in a petrol station.

Pretty certain Corbyn just called Leo Varadkar a 'T Shirt' though.

The Tory benches are full of B-Listers clamouring for interventions.

They want a talking credit for this season I think.

Jez finishes.

"I seak an honourable or right honourable member on the government benches" Says Bercow, hunting for a counter argument "but it is not immediately obvious any wishes to contribute"

👌😂

Ah shit. Peter Boooooone got up again.

I'm trying to listen to Bone, but his shirt looks like one of those squared exercise books you used to get in maths class at school.

It's more interesting than he is.

Siobhan McDonnagh tries to be clever and suggests that the opposition should vote for an election to guarantee an extension. Booooone agrees.

This is like watching Saved By The Bell after all the original cast have left.

Nigel Evans says a referendum is a law and people should obey that.

I yearn for death.

Next doors cat has been put to sleep by Peter Boooone's voice.

Imagine, for a second, being so scared of Parliament that you decide to hide behind Peter Booooone as your champion.

Ian Blackford is up and quoting Pericles. They're all at it now.

Look out, Ian's got his preacher voice on.

"Democracy and decency have been shredded by a bunch of Brexit fanboys at Number 10." He Bravehearts. "Unfit to govern and unwilling to govern."

Have to say, he's a damn good speaker (and he knows it).

The SNP speakers keep saying "Shenanigans" and it sounds glorious.

Parliamentary Taggart.

"Make no mistake, we in the SNP want an election, but we must first make sure this government will obey the law."

Blackwood is what Johnson wishes he sounds like.

Ah shit.

And then John fucking Redwood. it's like I've been sipping a milkshake with my eyes closed then suddenly swallowed a dead fly.

I won't tell you what he's saying. Just picture a Ray Harryhausen skeleton screaming silently in stop motion.

Redwood is still going and seems to have invented Schrodinger's Prime Minister:

One who is simultaneously negotiating masterfully with the EU whilst also being critically undermined.

Christ Swinson. Stop pointing out Boris doesn't have a majority.

The Tory B-Listers are now all going to fucking intervene again, demand an immediate election and think they're being clever.

Next door's cat update. Still showing more dignity than Matt Hancock.

Swinson pushes for a people's vote, rather than an election.

Swinson is still going. It's good points but nothing new and not really hitting the mark.

I've put a coin on next doors cat to pass the time.

Christ. We're now arguing about whether the Lib Dems would obey the results of a second referendum if it came up 'leave'.

"Use the time wisely" The EU said...

Michael Tomlinson accusing Corbyn of 'chickening out' and 'bottling it'.

Michael Tomlinson looks like the kind of man who shits in the only toilet in the cricket pavillion.

Bercow lets Ian Austin speak, showing all the enthusiasm of a man offered a cholera injection.

Ian Austin starts banging on about how Corbyn is evil.

Ian Austin ticked the box on Johnson's newsletter that said:

"Send me updates about Corbyn and the IRA"

Bercow:

"I do hope his speech isn't going to be as long as the ones he used to give in the Student Union at the university of Essex"

Austin:

"Mr Speaker, yours were considerly longer."

Bercow:

"And also considerably better."

This brief moment of lightness is interrupted by Austin's desire to run through Corbyn's greatest hits.

As someone who is highly critical of Corbyn, even I'm finding it BEYOND painful.

He finishes.

Mic picks up a MASSIVE sigh from Bercow.

Once again, Bercow speaks for us all.

Geraint Davies wins the most twisted metaphor award by trying to compare the current situation to being made to go to the cinema to watch 'Chainsaw Massacre'

To be fair, his general points about Cummings wanting to undermine democracy are sound.

Steve McCabe points out how ridiculous it is to have a Prime Minister actively briefing the press that he intends to break the law.

He's not wrong.

"How we can expect our constituents to respect the law, when those at the very top of our democratic institutions are showing such disrespect for parliament, and for the law." - Steve McCabe.

"They are using the language we normally expect from dictatorial, anti-democratic regimes around the world" - Steve McCabe.

Good innings from him, this.

Lillian Greenwood chips in and finally points out the obvious - that even if we LEAVE, we still have to negotiate a deal.

YES! PATRICIA GIBSON SAID SHENANIGANS AGAIN!

Also good points about the hypocracy on the other bench, but mostly

YES! SHENANIGANS!

Missed who this was, but I vaguely remember him being ERG, and he just talked about some remainers who wrote to him and said they now want a no deal.

Which is some next-level pinochio shit.

Oh hey, Dominic Raab is here.

"This government will always respect the rule of law." He mewls. "Of course HOW it respects the rule of law" he continues, to groans.

He reminds us he's a lawyer. Necessary because of how fucking unlikely it will seem to anyone who has met him

Raab is just what Matt Hancock evolves into. The worst Pokemon.

"Much much worse than No-Deal," Raab says "Would be destroying faith in this institution."

A reminder that Boris and co aren't present. They're too busy trying to come up with a new way to destroy this institution.

Raab is still talking.

It's so lifeless, I'm a gnats pube away from missing Peter Boooooone.

Lady Harmon is up. Raab is about to get eaten.

Corbyn offers Raab the chance to reply to her. Raab frantically shakes his head.

There's only one chicken here.

Corbyn reiterates that Labour will happily have an election AFTER no deal is blocked. Like Blackford and Swinson before him.

It's entirely possible that Boris Johnson's only concrete achievement as PM will be uniting the opposition.

*slow claps*

Government doesn't even bother to force a vote on the Corbyn emergency motion.

That's 5-0 I think.

I'm going to finish in a bit, but I will finish by quoting Lady Harmon on one of the groups now fucked over by the shitty early prorogation - victims of historical abuse in Northern Ireland.

"By proroguing Parliament tonight, the Prime Minister has willfully and deliberate - yes I say willfully and deliberately - the victims of historical institutional abuse in Northern Ireland of a 90min debate."

"He has sent a clear signal that those victims do not even merit a 90min debate. It's appalling behaviour. So may I ask the Secretary of State to demand, DEMAND! That the Prime Minister comes to Northern Ireland..."

"...sits in a meeting, looks the victims of that abuse in the eye and explains to them why he is so disrespectful and discourteous of the hurt and the suffering they have had to endure."

The Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, of course, does no such thing.

And that's it for me. I need dinner.

Hope this was useful to people. Remember! You can always buy me a coffee here if it was!

ko-fi.com/garius