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I wanted to share my suicide survival story for the first time. Reliving these brutal, painful and private moments isn’t easy. But it is cathartic to share it. So, here goes... #WorldSuicidePreventionDay
The 1st time I attempted suicide was in August of 1996. I was 18 & entering my freshman year of college. Pre-season has just started. I accepted the scholarship to the local college b/c my then-girlfriend told me if I accepted an out-of-State scholarship, that we’d break up
So I stayed in Milwaukee. Well, a month before college actually starts, I find out she was pregnant by some other guy. My world was flipped upside down. I told my assistant coach that I was having suicidal thoughts. He cried, but took me to a mental hospital...
Where I then had to spend 2 days in a padded room with no shoestrings or belt and nothing but a mattress.
My 2nd suicidal attempt was in 2001. My oldest kid’s mom decided to break up with me. I thought she was the “one”. I was crushed. While I should’ve expected it, given that I’ve always felt that since my mom left me, that everyone else would too. But, we had a kids together...
So, while listening to sad songs at my office, I took a handful of Vicodin and crawled under my desk. Thankfully, an employee saw it and immediately called 911. They rushed me to the ER where I was forced to drink “liquid charcoal”. It was so gross!...
I vomited what I thought was everything I had ever eaten! After all the vomiting, the police put me in the back of a police van, handcuffed, and took me to the Milwaukee County Mental Health Complex. I sat in the lobby for HOURS. It wasn’t until the next morning...
That I actually saw a therapist who allowed me to go home, so long as my best friend agrees to stay with me. I then went through months of intense counseling and medication. All of which likely saved my life.
My 3rd suicide attempt was in 2002. I’ll spare you the pre-text, but I was angry & tired of being unable to express myself & explain how my mom’s gun suicide impacted me. I basically wanted to give the world a GIANT middle finger...
I sat on my futon w a loaded 9mm in my mouth for about 30 minutes. I remember begging myself to pull the trigger and make the pain stop. I remember how impossible it was to pull the trigger though. I just sat there w the gun in my mouth as gun oil filled my taste buds...
At some point, the image of my daughter popped into my head. In that instant, i knew I couldn’t do to her what my mom had done to me. I put the gun down and called my best friend. I haven’t touched a gun since but can’t get the taste of gun oil out of my mouth
I’m glad I wasn’t able to complete suicide in any of those attempts. The world is a better place with me in it. I now have the coping mechanisms to deal w those dark moments. I don’t have access to a gun, nor should I ever. I have to be alive to be my mom’s voice.
This is my story of survival. I live every day knowing how it could’ve ended way too soon. I live to break the cycle. #WorldSuicidePreventionDay #WSPD2019 #SuicidePrevention
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