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Pro Tip: Vague suggestions or statements are not hard for all autistics to interpret, but they are for most. Couple that with an emoji with a vague expression, and it's even more difficult. It's not that we can't understand that there is nuance. We do. We very much do. (cont)
What we don't know is what the right interpretation of the comment is. Are we being complimented, flirted with, insulted, given a hint, fed passive aggression, asked a question? Is it sarcastic? Ironic? Will we be accused of getting it wrong? What's the tone? (cont)
Is it a playful joke in good faith, or is it meant to hurt? There are all these questions, and more, & then an infinite amount of degrees and complex interplays. It would feel arrogant to "guess," so we get stuck in a loop.
If we ask for clarification because we really don't get it, it's annoying to the person who said it. They think we are "faking" not getting it, or that we are being passive-aggressive. So we let it go, adding hundreds of other questions like that to the following sentences.
If they're being rude, or cruel, or manipulative, asking them to clarify is ceding more power to an abusive person. It's dangerous. They will shame us or lie to us and drag us along worse, sensing our conversational vulnerability. They'll deny & exploit if we call bad behavior.
So when an autistic person is "blunt," please understand that to us, it is the most polite and respectful way of communicating. Also, if we say something that seems negative to you, it likely isn't negative to us or isn't very negative. It's more just neutral fact.
Because if we don't like your haircut or outfit, it really doesn't matter to us that much. We don't really understand why you want to know most of the time because we're not that interested in your appearance.
But, no matter how hard some behaviorist tries to teach an autistic person social skills, we're never going to "get it." We learn some safe things to say as we go along, but the better we "perform," the higher the social expectations.
No one will believe we don't get it when we don't get it. We'll misinterpret a cue from a superior in a board meeting and end up getting fired. We'll say the wrong thing to a date we really like. We'll ask the wrong questions.
The less autistic we appear, the less people believe we are struggling. If you love behavior analysis, focus on your own behaviors towards autistics. Because if we're not worth listening to, then you damn well do not need to be near our kids. #TodayInABA #ABA #ActuallyAutistic
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