Thread by @JMHendersonSr

A year ago, I was, quite literally, dying.

My best friend and love, Terri Lawson Henderson, knew it.

My kids were beginning to worry. Ultimately, they would reach out to me to ask me to take action.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

What people may not have understood was just how desperately I wanted the aches and pains of going on to stop, for there to be a surcease of sorrow.

You might think you know what it is like.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

Some of you, I am certain, know exactly what it is like. Apparently, the fellowship of those who've thought about suicide isn't as large of the fellowship of people that haven't.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

Some of you, as I understand, you have remained my friends, kept contact through social medial or IRL.

But many of you do not understand.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

I don't blame you for your ignorance, but I know that it is ignorance, because I hear you say things when names pop in the news after ambiguously or directly and clearly ending it.

But here, I'm not being dishonest. I wanted to be dead.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

Not because of anything outside of me, entirely because of the thoughts I couldn't shut up, the voices I couldn't stop hearing no matter how much I wanted them to shut up.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

Voices of condemnation, voices of hate, voices that called me a liar, voices that called me pointless, disappointing.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

I didn't die, obv, though with eyesight loss, kidneys failed, and blood pressure numbers few folks ever reached without croaking, it was close.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

If you are a believer, you'd say by God's grace I was spared. If you're not, you'd say I was fortunate, and you'd be right, whichever you said.

#ifyoucaresaysomething

So, I'll draw this post to a close by saying, I'm glad I didn't die last winter. I'm not entirely sure how I'll feel about it six months from now. But today? I am a happy man.

#ifyoucaresaysomething