Thread by @PeterKaufmanSOC

THE LANGUAGE OF GRIEF REVISITED
Mircroburst Essay #6?

One week ago, I said in a thread we lack the language to talk about #dying, #death, & #grief, and that we also lack the #emotions. I said we might need hybrid emotions such as grief-anger; grief-ambiguity; grief-humor.
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Here is the link to the thread if you want to get yourself up to speed but it’s really not necessary. I think you can jump in from here.

https://twitter.com/PeterKaufmanSOC/status/1057108664664973312

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Anyway, this idea resonated with a lot of people. “Yes,” the masses (okay, maybe the smattering) said, “We need a better language and set of emotions to deal with the welter of the human experience. We lack the words and emotions to discuss and feel these things”
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A day later, I did an interview on campus about living with a terminal illness. I brought up these idea. I even read my tweets. Again these ideas resonated--lots of nodding heads of assent.
Here’s the link to the event--thx @glenngeher for the love):

https://twitter.com/glenngeher/status/1058393448800239617

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Well, I’ve been thinking of this a lot lately & I think I was wrong to suggest these two ideas. I don’t think it’s true that we lack the language to talk about #dying, #death, & #grief, and that we also lack the #emotions. I think we just don’t want to talk about any of this.
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And at the risk of offending anyone, I would say that the reason why I received so much love for my ideas is because my argument lets us all off the hook. It exonerated us. It freed us from any culpability in owning up to our unwillingness to speak about these issues.
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The argument that our unwillingness or inability to confront these really difficult issues is due to a lack of lack language or lack of emotions to fully express ourselves is BULLSHIT. I admit, I liked it & touted it a few days ago. But I no longer think it’s true. It's bogus.
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In a just a few days, I’ve changed my mind and come to believe that the real reason behind our unwillingness or inability to talk about these issues is that we just don’t want to confront #dying, #death, & #grief. We don’t want to talk about or feel these things.
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I agree it’s easier to blame some socio-linguistic analytical idea, and it’s true, the Eskimo snow example is compelling. But if we really look ourselves in the mirror, we realize we have plenty of words and emotions at our disposal. We’d rather just keep them locked up.
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We’d rather avoid talking about #dying, #death, & #grief even when it’s staring us in the face. Even when we know it’s right there, evident and imminent, we’d rather avoid it. It’s not the lack of language that produces our silence; it’s the lack of will (on our part).
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Serious f**king reality check:

I may die soon. My disease is progressing and we are running out of options.

There’s a lot about #dying, #death, & #grief in those 2 statements. Here are some words and emotional descriptors to capture this—to be said by me or others:
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F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK; F*CK;
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this f*cking sucks; I don’t want to die; I don’t want you to die; It’s not fair; screw impermanence; I’m overcome with sadness; I will miss you all so much; we will miss you terribly; please don’t leave us; Ahhhhh; I feel immobilized; I just can’t comprehend this; I love you
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This is a just a sample. Thought of quickly to fit in a box. You can think of many more I’m sure. We all have the words/emotions to capture the full spectrum of #dying, #death, & #grief. We just need allow ourselves—individually & collectively—to release them. Release them!
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Hiding behind my academic explanation about the lack of words/emotions is not only scapegoating; it also takes away our agency—big time. None of us can create language overnight. So in the meantime (and it takes a long time to create new words) what do we do? Nothing?
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We can't wait for new words, but if we admit we say nothing because we’d prefer to say nothing, then at least we can reclaim our agency and can take action to address the situation. We can explore/analyze why we didn’t speak and find words/emotions to break the silence. Easy!
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I don’t think it's as difficult as it seems. My partner and I express many words and emotions (even hybrid emotions) to each other about what the situation means for us.
We all have to face reality. Difficult realities.
Name your world. Give voice & space to your emotions.
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