Thread by @MarkLaherty

More than once, I've referred to Crimes of Grindelwald as the worst film I've ever paid to see.

gonna watch it again

my line of work is a bit of a cursed-monkey-paw deal

me, watching Abernathy turn into Grindelwald and vice versa: ?????

me, after Googling the explanation and finding out that Grindelwald was never even imprisoned: ???????????????????

that just raises FURTHER questions

people always talk smack about Steven Moffat's overly cutesy plot twists of this flavour, but at least you can tell what the fuck is going on and why

I am... less than five minutes into this movie

someone edit this escape scene to have Ed Edd 'n' Eddy sound effects

comin back to this tomorrow

When I said tomorrow, obviously I meant in three days' time.

Crimes of Grindelwald's flaws and messiness stop me from enjoying some great ideas, like "Grindelwald and Dumbledore are manipulative in the same way" and "baby Nifflers"

Really, the first half an hour is quite fun. Proper problems only hit once Jacob and Queenie pop up. Newt has only a perfunctory reaction to seeing Jacob again. The Seinfeldian misunderstanding between Newt and Tina begins. And, uh, that love potion business.

Most of what happens here are bad ideas but, more damningly, the pacing is garbage. Everything is rushed. It feels like a summary of the book JK wants this to be instead of a movie.

And also, Jacob and Queenie are getting married! So much data so fast! Too much!

On the upside, you do get Jacob saying "I'm marryin' Jacob! :D" and throwing his wine in his face

"Sweetheart, you don't need to enchant me. I'm already enchanted." this movie sucks

Some franchises that Kappas, the Japanese folklore rape demons, are canon to:
- Harry Potter
- Animal Crossing
- Star VS the Forces of Evil
- OK KO
- Dungeons and Dragons
- One Piece

I'm also pretty sure it's the root of 'Koopa' in Mario

One thing JK is good at is including bits where she says "and then this cool thing happens" and just letting the excellent special effects and production design people go nuts

goals

I get why Yusuf Kama is in the movie. The mystery is "Who is Credence's blood family? Who are his parents?" so you need to plant a red herring. But his whole deal is so complicated and there's not enough room for it to work.

And it's concealed for the sake of the big reveal/exposition dump. As a result, we can't really get a handle on who he is and what he wants until far too late.

Newt: "Tina has incredibly narrow feet, have you noticed?"
Jacob: "Can't say that I have."

Newt is into feet

Joke where one of the bad guys uses Polyjuice Potion to disguise himself as an old lady. that tracks.

This movie is frustrating in part because if there was 20% less going on, it'd be amazingly pacey rather than incomprehensible

They definitely could have cut the big Chinese dragon

The 18-hours-and-counting Fortnite stream of a black hole has the same energy as watching Crimes of Grindelwald

I can believe magic and dragons and all but I can't believe that Newt successfully pulls a parasite out of a man's eye with tweezers in less than ten seconds without harming the guy

I have finished watching this bad movie for the second time.

I think there are enough good ideas in here for the story to recover. But there are a few real clunkers and the execution of nearly everything is excruciating.

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