Set your DVRs for a Halloween vision of HELL 
No one will be seated during the apple coating scene
Don't know whose face says "kill me now" more emphatically - the guy, the woman, or the dog
If we are all assigned a personalized hell, mine is a crisp Fall day at a charming New England B&B, riding bikes in matching sweaters with a woman to the local farmer's market and antique stores, with no access to a TV
And do the antique stores have any old carburetors and rusty signs? Nooooo, it's all a bunch of Victorian lace bullshit
If you're referring to provocative boudoir apparel, I'm more a latex man tbh
Later, snuggling under a quilt before a warm fireplace with Chardonnays as she explains how her career as a go-getting magazine editor has put love on hold, and meanwhile I realize the goddamn Fresno State at Hawaii game is just kicking off
I try to explain how I need to find a TV to see if Hawaii gets bowl eligible and 2nd in the Mountain West race, but the only words that come out of my mouth are "let's build a cottage here together." My beer gut becomes abs. I am being WRITTEN.
cue screeching violins
cue screeching violins
