Thread by @garius

GRANT SHAPPS: Welcome to the first meeting of the campaign strategy group. Let's start by brainstorming for a bit. Remember, there are no bad ideas!
WILLIAMSON: Poster campaign in Games Workshop branches!
GRAYLING: Blue rubber ducks!
SHAPPS: Okay, there are SOME bad ideas.

SHAPPS: We're not putting VOTE TORY posters in Games Workshop, Gavin
WILLIAMSON: Why not?
SHAPPS: Because 'Teens who play Warhammer' is not a key demographic
WILLIAMSON: 40k
SHAPPS: What?
WILLIAMSON: Warhammer 40k
SHAPPS: What's the differ...
MORDAUNT/STEPHEN: DON'T ASK THAT!

SHAPPS: Moving on, does anyone have any more realistic ideas?
MORDAUNT: Are there any achievements we can focus on?
SHAPPS: Penny, he's been Prime Minister for 3 months. You can't even worm a cat in that time.
MORDAUNT: But we've been in power for 9 years
SHAPPS: No we haven't

MORDAUNT: We've been in power 9 years!
SHAPPS: We haven't
MORDAUNT: Yes we have! First Cameron
SHAPPS: Who?
MORDAUNT: Then May
SHAPPS: Doesn't ring a bell
MORDAUNT: You were THERE, Grant
SHAPPS: No I wasn't
MORDAUNT:
SHAPPS: 3 months. No time to do anything. S'all Labour's fault

MORDAUNT: You can't just deny that two previous Tory governments existed.
SHAPPS: What governments?
MORDAUNT: This is insane!
SHAPPS: Penny, you're starting to sound like you don't believe in this project. Do I need to send for Priti Patel?
MORDAUNT: 3 months it is
SHAPPS: Better

STEPHEN: We could do the bus thing again?
SHAPPS: Bus thing?
STEPHEN: Big number on a bus. Worked in the ref.
SHAPPS: What numbers?
STEPHEN: 20,000 cops? 40 new hospitals?
MORDAUNT: Aren't those... um...
SHAPPS: ...bollocks?
STEPHEN: Unlike 350m for the NHS?
SHAPPS: Point taken.

SHAPPS: Any other ideas for the bus?
MORDAUNT: Where's Michael? He's good at this stuff
SHAPPS: Said he had another meeting

<Under the South Pacific>

ELDER GOD: LeTS bEGIn bY LooKING aT laST yeAR's OBjECTivES And KPiS. FiRsT One: sOW ChaOS
GOVE: SO i FEeL i'Ve dONe weLL heRE...

STEPHEN: We could just do the 350m NHS bus thing again? The Leader loved that last time
SHAPPS: No he didn't
STEPHEN: Yes he did
SHAPPS: Nothing to do with him
STEPHEN: There are photos of him in FRONT of the bus
SHAPPS: No there aren't
STEPHEN: But
MORDAUNT: Let it go, Stephen

SHAPPS: I do think you're on the right track here though. Is there a different EU slogan we could put on the bus?
HAMMOND: You could, put '1.3bn a week knocked off the British economy' but it isn't really a vote winner
STEPHEN: Phil!
SHAPPS: Hey! This is a private meeting!

WILLIAMSON: Get out! Traitor!
HAMMOND: Make me. This is the Commons bar
SHAPPS: There were no meeting rooms
WILLIAMSON: Heretic! Begone! The Leader will...
HAMMOND: Oh grow up Gavin. You're not an inquisitor, you just like painting them.

HAMMOND: Don't worry, I'm going. I just wanted to remind Chris about Lidington's leaving drinks later
STEPHEN: He's having..? I didn't see an email about them.
HAMMOND: He's keeping it small. Just friends and...
STEPHEN: Oh
HAMMOND: Ah. I mean...
STEPHEN: It's okay. I understand.

HAMMOND: David probably just forgot to put you on the email.
STEPHEN: Huh? Oh. Oh yeah...
HAMMOND: If you wanted to pop in I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
STEPHEN: Oh yeah. Thanks. Um.. yeah. I mean, I would but you know... busy with this election stuff. You know how it is.

HAMMOND: I bet David didn't mean to forget
STEPHEN: It's fine. No biggie
HAMMOND: Sure?
STEPHEN: Yeah, I'll skip it. But tell him... I miss you
HAMMOND: You miss us?
STEPHEN: HIM. Say I WILL miss HIM
WILLIAMSON <whispers>: David's a Heretic too
EVERYONE: Shut the FUCK up, Gavin

Like this? Brexit tapes start waaaaay back here!

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784?lang=en

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