Anyway, I’m actually here on this dark and stormy night of Novampber to check in on Jonathan Harker. It’s been a few days, but that way I had time for a fresh copy of my childhood book to arrive: #cleovamps 
Chapter 3 (we will eventually move faster but this is a big chapter)! Jonathan realizes that he is a prisoner! He realizes that he is a rat in a trap! He realizes that... Dracula is making Jonathan's bed >:[ #cleovamps
If there are no servants... wait... that means Dracula is EVERYONE. Including the driver I didn't mention who can control the wolves I did mention. No word as to whether he can control dust bunnies #cleovamps
“Boy, now that I think about it, all the locals sure did have some traditional anti-evil stuff hanging around; in retrospect, that seems... bad. (Mem., find out what garlic means)" #cleovamps
Now I wish I hadn't skipped so merrily through that first chapter because a nice old innkeeper lady gave Jonathan a crucifix necklace "for [his] mother's sake" if nothing else, and it's a sweet/foreshadowy moment I always liked and he's REAL REAL GLAD he's got it now #cleovamps
(The first two tweet threads are here) #cleovamps threadreaderapp.com/thread/1189953…
Note that Jonathan mentions he grew up being taught to see such a thing as idolatrous (ah, a Protestant), which is maybe worth pairing with his dependence on rational facts and observation as a character trait; that nice woman could tell that he was Not Prepared #cleovamps
"[Count Dracula] knows well that I am imprisoned, as he has done it himself" Well, yes. Long friendly fireside cognitive dissonance chat about historical battles; “he spoke as if he had been present at them all" [stares at camera] #cleovamps
Jonathan is so enthralled that he writes down, from memory, umpteen hundred words of Székely history, but it's got some very imposing lines ("Blood is too precious a thing,” etc) that screenwriters sometimes use #cleovamps
The Count is real, real interested in asking if Jonathan is actually NECESSARY to the Count's London plans. "Okay, so like. I can have hella solicitors? I can solicitor myself? I don't really need you, specifically, Jonathan Harker, at all?" "uh............" #cleovamps
"Okay now write to your boss and say that you're not coming home." "I'm not what" "Oh also don't write about anything but soliciting. Absolutely do not write that I'm holding you captive or making your bed, for sure" #cleovamps
Jonathan plans to write home to Mina in shorthand all like "SEND HELP HE CAN'T READ THIS I'M A PRISONER." Emphasis on “plans.” Note that none of the 1992 business with Mina's photograph is in the original book; Dracula is currently unaware that she exists #cleovamps
Dracula warns him "not to sleep in any other part of the castle. It is old, and has many memories, and there are bad dreams for those who sleep unwisely," despite this never having occurred to Jonathan, and makes an "I wash my hands of your fool ass if you do" gesture #cleovamps
Jonathan goes to sleep in another part of the castle #cleovamps
But I get ahead of myself; first we have some very pretty scenery, soft yellow moonlight, velvety blackness, LIZARD DRACULA #cleovamps
Here’s the Hildebrandt version I was reading as a kid. I maintain that another reason the book "Dracula" endures is because what the actual fuck #cleovamps
Like. How does this occur to you, as a writer? Was it a whole Dracula = dragon = “really gotta compare the guy to a reptile somehow” thing? Should I be paying more attention to the pink gecko I found in my bathtub? #cleovamps
I cannot recall which other adaptations used this whole... thing... except that the Frank Langella version very characteristically used it as a way for Dracula to rescue Lucy (Mina) from an asylum. It was very gentle, misty lizarding #cleovamps
Like... at some point we’ll discuss how the Hamilton Deane play (Lugosi, Langella) is this total other entity with the girls’ names switched and all the male characters collapsed into more convenient roles and much less weirdness altogether #cleovamps
So! Jonathan decides to explore again once he's sure Dracula has lizarded off for a while, maybe find the house key to gtfo of this place, and then he stumbles into another iconic scene. Soft yellow moonlight, ancient boudoir—wait he’s putting the journal down #cleovamps
Next paragraph: “Dear diary: EVERYTHING IS FUCKED SO THAT’S GREAT” #cleovamps
I like that Jonathan must "turn to my diary for repose. The habit of entering accurately must help to soothe me." I think he may have invented mindfulness journaling. Here is what traumatized him the night before: he slept in any other part of the castle #cleovamps
"I took pleasure in disobeying." Which moves this from "characters doing ridiculous things to further the plot" to an actual element of the horror. Bad decisions as psychological state. You see the imp of the perverse, as it were, show up more than once in this book. #cleovamps
So Jonathan decides to sleep in this picturesque moonlight chamber because you can’t tell him what to do, and I like to think the bit about gentle ladies and their sweet lives reminds him of Mina, another reason he might feel drawn to do this: #cleovamps
Then Dracula's three brides show up and they are... not... like Mina. Inhuman musical laughter! Coquetry! The bitter offensiveness of blood-breath! "A wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips"! Oh my #cleovamps
It is one of the most vivid scenes in the book; here is how I saw it at age 11, in its full glossy 80s-haired glory: #cleovamps
Okay, hear me out: Vampire Charlie’s Angels #cleovamps
"The girl went on her knees, and bent over me, simply gloating... she actually licked her lips like an animal, till I could see in the moonlight the moisture shining on the scarlet lips..." ~Victorians! #cleovamps
Like. This goes on for A WHILE. The Coppola adaptation takes this to its extreme logical conclusion (fangjob), which: fair. Side note, NOBODY gave a shit about making sure 13-year-olds didn't get into R-rated movies unaccompanied in 1992, let me tell you what #cleovamps
thunderclap DRACULA!! ooh boy is he mad. I can practically see the (very loosely adapted) Christopher Lee version (the hellfire eyes, the fierce arm sweep), although the 1992 version stages it, you know, anything like the book at all #cleovamps
"This man belongs to me!" Okay, I can kind of imagine Henry Irving bellowing this when Stoker's wife wanted to go on an actual honeymoon #cleovamps
Gotta take a badly-timed dinner break, be right back #cleovamps
we had tomato soup, I swear to God #cleovamps
Back to Jonathan, who we left cowering in a foggy boudoir: the brides called dibs and complain that Dracula never loved! “Yes, I too can love. [...] I promise you that when I am done with him you shall kiss him at your will.” Okay. Like. #cleovamps
“Done with him” solicitoring or “done with him” kissing at will? The homoeroticism is somewhat marred by Jonathan sincerely not being down for it. Like yes I DO think there’s a lot of it, but it strikes me as fearful and one-way. #cleovamps
In order to make more of this onscreen you’d have to really portray Jonathan as tempted by/attracted to Dracula, or else you end up with The Horror of Queer Predators, and that's... not helping anyone. Seriously, just go watch Hannibal #cleovamps
You know, I'm really curious as to what’s going on with the “three awful women,” ghostly women, demons of the pit, etc.—they’re not called brides here. They know Dracula can love "from the past"—but not anymore? We’ll look at “Dracula’s Guest” later #cleovamps
Anyway, they eat a baby, end of chapter #cleovamps
What the hell did people think of this in 1897? Like, how completely blown back were they by this chapter, with the lizarding and the moist red-lipped gloating and the baby in the sack? Because this chapter is A Lot. #cleovamps
I think we have 1-2 more chapters of Jonathan’s travails (wolves, mistaken identity, a shovel) and you will be hearing a lot about sentimental masculinity, where men get to cry AND whack vampires in the face. UNTIL THEN #cleovamps
