Thread by @HNIJohnMiller

1) What's that? #VindmanTestimony is happening?

You know what that means.

Get Drunk.

Form Perfect 256 man macedonian phalanx.

Shitpost about ATHENS GREATEST STRATEGIST AND POLITICAL THINKER OF ALL TIME.

2) And who earns the title of ATHENS GREATEST STRATEGIST AND POLITICAL THINKER OF ALL TIME?!?

ALCIBIADES!

Aka, the dude that Socrates, in a moment of blind rage whilst swinging the black hole-level density testicular fortitude he possessed, saved from getting roftlstomped.

3) Late 5th century BC, Peloponnesian War, aka the Greek city-states under the banner of Athens and Sparta fighting each other constantly for ideological hegemony.

Alcibiades is a noble, and a fucking prettyboy one at that.

Look at that fucking jawline.

4) So, after getting his nuts dragged out of the fire by Socrates (and then getting a medal for getting his nuts dragged out of the fire, and Socrates getting screwed over, not like he cared, that feral berserking motherfucker), Alcibiades had a period of influence in Athens.

5) This influence he used to cultivate becoming a general, where in 420 bc (when he was about 30) he got his shit kicked in by Sparta, and was promptly blamed for the loss.

A downfall he recovered from ALMOST INSTANTLY by becoming a charioteer and winning a chariot race. Yeah.

6) Because winning a chariot race is surely a sign of great skills at command, Athens was totally on board with his plan to take a force to Sicily and fight Syracuse there to help out a friendly city-state, which was a plan that was considered at best a 'long shot.'

7) Allegedly, right before he left with the expedition, he got drunk and proceeded to break several busts of Hermes, rubbed his dick on nubile young female oracles, and described in great detail to spies of his political enemies what he would do to a certain goddess of mysteries.

8) We may or may not be looking at history's first Kavanaugh incident.

He gets tried in absentia, found guilty, gets blamed for the Sicilian campaign going tits up, and proceeds to run to Sparta, ie the group that kicked his shit in back in 420, AND THEY ACCEPT HIM AS AN ADVISER

9) He convinces them that it would be the PERFECT time to attack Athens, given he'd just caused them to lose for a second time in Sicily, but it turns out that this was just an excuse to get the Spartan leaders to leave for long enough for him to bang the Spartan queen.

Yeah.

10) So he flees AGAIN, this time running all the way to Persia, where the Satrap had a few extra wives for Alcibiades to bang, and where he gets REALLY DRUNK and convinces the satrap and the local Athenian diplomats that Persia and Athens in an alliance would be a GREAT IDEA.

11) So, he finally returns from exile, and proceeds to forget all about the Athenian-Persian alliance. I kid you not. Contemporary sources indicate people believed the entire thing had just been a pretext for him to return home to Athens. Presumably to bang his rival's wives.

12) To avoid getting publicly lynched for this latest in clusterfucks and because it wasn't chariot racing season apparently, Alcibiades hops into the Athenian navy and sails off with them.

13) A process I imagine went along the lines of him walking onto a ship right as it departed as if he was supposed to be there, and then convincing the admirals he'd make a GREAT second in command.

And by that, apparently he meant suntanning on the deck and doing fuck all.

14) Eventually, the admirals return home and Athens, who I guess just assumed Alcibiades had turned over a new leaf, let him stay in command of that navy.

Because surely THAT wouldn't spell a precipitous disaster.

15) Alcibiades proceeds to leave his drinking buddy, one of the helmsmen, in charge of the entire navy while they were anchored near the city of Notium for a beer run. While Alcibiades happens into the local governor's daughter, and the Spartan Navy proceeds to sink the navy.

16) That was the last straw for the Athenians.

The last straw for the Spartans came when Alcibiades, in an attempt to secure himself a nice retirement, absconded with his mistress Timandra, ANOTHER daughter of ANOTHER noble family, and set up in an island fortress he captured.

17) And so ended the life of Alcibiades. Drunk, probably surrounded by women, on an island fortress, with every nation and city-state of the Mediterranean after him for one offense or another.

Like a fucking boss.

/end