Thread by @NewAgeBoxingUK

Thread:

I recently enquired to a football team, bit of 5-a-side fun. What I got in response is biblical.

A 14 page club guide. One four. For a 5-a-side team. Within it it absolute footballing gold, the highlights of which I am now going to share with you.....

This 5-a-side team has a 'Director of Football'. This should have been enough to make me stop reading on Page 1, but I carried on.....

"punished until they do"

Not sure if I'd be joining a football team or ISIS.

A 3 week ban because I didn't read the 14 page handbook properly?! Fuck me, Son got less for kicking a man in the chest

A 3 week ban is also coming your way if you have the audacity to reply to a text the following day. Racking up those suspensions.

Three more weeks if you engage in chit chat

Haven't read the messages? The Gestapo administrator is going to SPOT CHECK YOU and then.....yep, three week ban my friend

Wife died in a car accident did she and you can't make the game? That's a THIRTY TWO WEEKS BAN!

Decided to go for a meal because you were only a reserve that week? You can do it for the next three weeks too mate, as that's how long your ban will be!

You might be playing at a standard that uses red & blue bibs, but my lord you'd better believe there are the chosen ones who are the "wise footballers among us"

Seven minutes. Not six, and certainly not eight. Probably get three weeks out for that

Got stuck in traffic? You don't understand the importance of tactics. Three week ban!

Excessive foul language is "encouraged"?!

However, don't be overly competitive or you can be under competitive for......you guessed it, three weeks!

Despite excessive foul language being actively encouraged, you'll also find yourself sitting out for.....three weeks

Think your captain talks shit? That's three weeks for you.

Wearing a scarf during a team talk? Understandably punishable by a three week suspension

29 minutes past the hour, 32 minutes past the hour.

No earlier, no later.

You'll be issued with an ID. A simple system, right? Wrong!

In a bizarre plot twist, it turns out you can bet on the games you're playing in. Pretty sure that contravenes FA regulations.

So, all things considered, I think I might skip over this team. Either that or join them and see if I can achieve the 32 week ban.

I forgot about the survey to fill in if you want to join!

"how many keepy uppies can you do with 3 attempts in the back garden"

Ffs, I'm done

I don't really have anything to promote here - but in case this gets big, follow @brad_pauls @UdofiaLinus and @TopBoxerSadiq - three young talented men grafting away for a bigger and better future 👍👏

@brad_pauls @UdofiaLinus @TopBoxerSadiq Or check out my man @AllyMcKenzie91 and his fine documentary work recently published on the BBC website. Thanks!

bbc.co.uk/programmes/p07…